Dating : What I’d Tell My Daughter If I Had One

Don’t make the mistake of ruining your future for words like millions of women before you.

You must be treated like a priority from the start.

Don’t let him tell you he loves you, make him show it.

Plenty of women have lost their best years to men who promised and apologized their whole way through the relationship only to get left with nothing.

Love is not enough and struggle love is the worst love. If he can’t afford or refuses to provide for you financially and has nothing to leave you in a divorce, do not commit to him.

The man you choose will either be a liability or an asset. You’ll date some losers who will use and disrespect you and some will make you think you can change them. Don’t bother trying. Don’t wait around for his potential to manifest itself. He either is already what you’re looking for or he’s not.

Don’t fool yourself thinking you’ll succeed where other women failed.

Don’t confuse lust with love and if you are in love, remember what you want your future to look like.

The man who makes you feel unsafe, unsure, unloved or who can’t provide for you is not a part of that. Anchoring yourself to him with a ring or kids is the fastest way to lose yourself and take on responsibilities enslaving yourself for the needs of others.

You will not find your identity in being some man’s wife or a baby momma to kids you knew you shouldn’t have had. Don’t convince yourself you’re happy and that things will get better over time. They won’t.

The further you get from the goals you have for yourself as a single childless woman, the longer it’ll take to get back on track to make it all happen. Yes, your needs and wants will change. But making those changes with the wrong person will cost you dearly if you don’t heed the red flags.

A man will be your biggest downfall if you let him. Learn to say goodbye fast and mean it. Learn to love being single.

Don’t be in a rush to be a mom.

Don’t have them for me and certainly not to keep a man.

Motherhood does not make you more of a woman and is not the joyous experience people pretend it always is. Raising another person is scary and disappointing as fuck and 10 times as hard if you’re doing it alone.

You don’t have to have them at all but if you want them please wait until you’re at least in your late 20s or early 30s. By then you should have the temperament and stability to deal with them.

Truthfully, kids are baggage. They are legally entitled to 18 years of your life and money and each one you have, especially if poor, is a setback. You will have to completely adjust your life to do what’s best for them and if you don’t have help, you will likely wait until they leave home to chase your dreams.

They’ll talk back, behave badly, and make you feel like abandoning them. You will have moments when you want to run away. You’ll cry, stare into space, picture a life without them, and then go back to doing what’s expected of you. Because you have to.

Your kids, your problem.

And the more kids you have the less fair things will be to them. You likely won’t have the time or money to give them enough of either and they will resent you for it as they get older.

You will feel like a failure for not giving them more than what you had growing up and financially struggling with them will make you angry.

You will be mad at yourself for digging this hole and you will sometimes be angry at them for being impatient and not understanding how hard you’re trying. You’ll want to give them experiences kids remember most about their childhood. Hard to do when you’re always broke and stressed.

If you’re a young mom, you’ll find it hard to both make something of yourself and make sure they’re on track to be successful too. You’re largely responsible for how they turn out.

You don’t want to raise kids while you’re still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. That’s not fair to them.

It’s really not that hard to wait. If you must be around kids, offer to babysit for others. At least then you can see what they’re like and give them back.

Raising your own child is the toughest responsibility you’ll ever have. Don’t make it hard on yourself.

A lot of people never leave home or get ahead financially because they feel obligated to support people they grew up with.

These are often people who refuse to help themselves and latch on to those who are more responsible. It’s ok to help occasionally but if you’re too generous you’ll become a reliable crutch for them and the favor won’t be returned.

These same people will also treat you like shit the second you come through for them. Suddenly they won’t remember asking for your help or will pretend you owed them. Don’t let them play you.

Many of us come from toxic families and never escape the abusive cycle of depending on and keeping each other down. The people who should be our biggest supporters are often our worst critics who see something in us that makes them feel insecure.

To them, your success is their failure. They have nothing going for themselves and will do what they can to keep you on their level so they always have someone to gossip with and about.

They’re the ones who will doubt and try to use you the most.

They will discourage you from taking risks and when you do achieve something, they’ll feel entitled to the benefits that come with it, especially money.

Don’t let family guilt trip you into taking care of them just because you’re related. Don’t let the thought of moving away from home to start over new scare you.

If you have to cut people off to keep your sanity, do it.

It’s not your job to save other people from themselves. Including me.

Be careful of who you choose to call your best friend and how much you tell her. Especially if she isn’t making moves to improve herself.

The friends you started at the bottom with probably aren’t gonna make it to the top with you. Those who show jealousy and malice towards you will be the ones conspiring against you.

Don’t let your bond with women blind you to the jealousy many have for each other and never outgrow. It’s better to make new friends than hang on to who’s familiar.

Make friends who genuinely want to see you win and do everything they can to help you.

You’re a black woman in America.

You aren’t the most celebrated but you are the most influential and pop culture reflects that everyday. That’s how you know society sees you even if they refuse to credit you.

Everything you don’t like about your skin and natural features is the result of racist marketing and colorism from your own people.

Don’t give in to pressure to surgically enhance your body to compete with other women or please men. Do not look for acceptance in bleaching creams either.

Learn to replace self hate with self love.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have so much melanin. Flaunt it.

You will be imitated and degraded by many but you will never be replaced. Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.

You have influence and you have power. Use that to your advance.