Dating : What If Men Felt More Comfortable Rejecting Attractive Women?

There’s something that still surprises me, even though it shouldn’t: An attractive woman pursues a man.

He rejects her.

He’s polite, but firm. She takes the hint.

Every time it happens I go, “Did I really just watch that?”

I’ve seen it at coffee shops, bars, parties, you name it. This goes against everything I was ever taught about dating and relationships. To be honest, it’s rare. I don’t see it that often. Maybe I should.

Maybe one key to better dating is for more men to feel like they don’t need to date or sleep with attractive women to prove their masculinity. Imagine how much happier they’d be in general.

Us, too.

A lot of us already know that women feel a great deal of pressure to say yes to dates they don’t want to go on. So do men. No, not all of them. Not on the same scale. But a lot do.

Look at this Twitter poll I did:

More than half of the men have said they’ve felt pressure to go out with a woman for no other reason than her looks.

About twenty percent of them even said…

They regretted it.

Guys I know have explained what happens. An attractive woman approaches them. She has confidence. She’s learned from society that nine times out of ten, the guy will approach her first. Even if he doesn’t, he’s still likely to agree to a date — simply if she’s pretty.

So they’ll go on a date. They might go on several. The guy doesn’t develop any rapport with her, though. They won’t have that much in common. Her personality might even irritate him.

He keeps saying yes. Why?

Even today, lots of men still learn that dating and sleeping with attractive women gives them an enhanced sense of worth and status. Every week, I come across some article or podcast that praises a man for how many girls he managed to sleep with back in his youth.

It’s a little disconcerting.

They learn that it makes them more masculine to pursue and “acquire” women who meet the current standards. They learn that other men will look up to them. They learn that their happiness depends on eventually falling in love with a beautiful woman, their “dream girl,” after enjoying a long and steady stream of bed mates. They listen to stories about rock gods like Sting and all their sexual exploits. They’re told that placing more value on other characteristics is “settling.”

I’ve even listened to men humble brag about having “so much sex” that they had to get tested for STDs. When a man could’ve had lots of sex, but refrained, his masculinity is questioned.

He’s told that he “missed out.”

These are all toxic attitudes, still widespread.

Not, not all of them.

But a lot do.

Guys I know have explained what happens. They keep going on dates with the woman who’s supposed to be there dream girl. She waits for him to make a move. He’s not ready, though. He’s still trying to develop some level of connection or comfort with her. He tries really, really hard. He searches for some kind of common ground. It doesn’t happen. Everything he tries makes him feel more awkward.

Finally, she loses interest. She thinks he’s not “man enough” to be with her. She might say something to that effect. She breaks things off, or she stops returning his calls.

He feels like a loser, even if he isn’t.

So we have a guy who puts extra effort into pursuing a relationship he’s not excited about, simply because he thinks he’s only going to be happy if he dates the most attractive woman he can find.

This isn’t a stereotype.

This guy exists out there in the real world.

You see him on social media, posting about his dating woes. You see him posting questions on websites run by dating gurus who still preach pickup artist moves like it’s 2002. You see him on discussion boards. You see him on Reddit and 4chan. He’s an easy recruit for incel movements (involuntary celibates with an axe to grind).

He’s not a bad person. He’s deeply confused. Between #MeToo and Fox News, he has no idea what he’s supposed to do.

When a woman learns that her looks entitle her to a certain level of attention and privilege, she exploits it. She might feel like it’s the only tool at her disposal to fulfill her needs.

Can you blame her?

She’ll reinforce a man’s belief that his goal is to pursue her, to let her have her way in exchange for the status she grants him. Each one is reinforcing the other’s toxic attitudes. They might not even know it. Too many men and women wind up like this. They continue choosing relationships that leave them unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled.

You’ve probably read lots of articles focusing on one side of the equation, building up women’s confidence in themselves. That way, they don’t feel like their looks are their only resource. They don’t rely on the attention of men for their sense of worth and self-esteem.

Yes to all that.

Now, what about guys? What do they do?

When I look back over the years, I remember plenty of guys who rejected attractive women for lots of reasons.

Here’s a few of them:

• She acted immature, and a little spoiled sometimes.
• They didn’t have enough in common.
• She lied to him about important details in her life.
• He wasn’t interested in dating at that particular moment.
• She wanted sex too soon, and he didn’t.
• The age difference made him uncomfortable.

These guys ultimately showed the world that they were okay with themselves. They didn’t suppress their needs in order to attain some status, or impress their friends. They might’ve wrestled with the decision, but they made the right call for themselves. All of them wound up in happy, fulfilling relationships on their own time.

The guys I’m talking about weren’t all a bunch of rock stars with six-pack abs and perfect hair. Some of them were really good looking. Others didn’t conform to the dominant standards at all.

All of them had learned a sense of quiet, inner confidence. They didn’t need to prove their masculinity to their social circles.

Their friends might’ve pressured them. They might’ve said things like, “Why didn’t you bang that girl? She was totally a ten!”

They didn’t listen.

Instead, they cultivated their own interests. They went on dates with lots of different women. They formed relationships based on things like shared hobbies and complement personalities. They focused on her sense of humor, their conversations, how they felt around each other.

Looks became a factor, not the factor.

It’s something of a commonplace to say that women focus more on a guy’s personality than his looks. It’s mostly true. There’s always exceptions. Some women want muscles and tight shirts.

Once men get over their hangups and unlearn what pop culture teaches them, they start to value the same things that women tend to, the nonphysical traits that give a relationship its real worth.

It leads to better dating.

It’s easy to say “don’t put looks over personality.” You could even argue it’s become a cliche of its own. That’s the thing about behavior, when it comes to dating or anything else. We don’t know how to start making better decisions until we figure out why and how we keep making bad ones.

A lot of guys out there still feel lucky when an attractive woman shows interest in them. That feeling comes with attitudes and limitations that we might think they’ve overcome, but not quite yet.

Still buried in a lot of guys’ heads is the assumption that if the woman is beautiful, it’s his job to make the relationship work.

In his mind, all she has to do is show up.

If it doesn’t work out, then he assumes it’s his fault. Somehow he messed up. He “blew his chances” with her. He should’ve taken the relationship to the next level, even if he wasn’t comfortable. He should’ve made a move — just because that’s his job. He’s supposed to “score.”

I’m here to tell you something:

Not necessarily.