Dating : What is LOVE for you? Katie Grimes answers.

This week, I’ve talked with Katie Grimes about love. She not only shares her personal experiences but also techniques that help to make a state of love accessible.

Katie is an international Sober Dating Coach who helps both men and women take time off from dating to prepare to be in a healthy committed relationship. Her programs focus on helping the person grow in their confidence and helps them feel more secure when they are ready to find love again. Katie wanted to teach other people how to get good at love by choosing the right partner and to stop attracting the type of partner who does not make them feel confident and secure. Her clients learn how to start attracting the right type of partner who makes them feel confident and secure and enforces the work they are doing in their personal development and with the inner work they do with Katie. As a coach, it is important that she stays grounded so she can be the support and coach her clients need as they transition through sobriety to falling in love with themselves and who they are and then with partner. Katie feels most grounded when she is at the beach. The scent of the ocean and sounds of the waves help her to clear her mind and be more equipped to support her clients.

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Imagine that from this moment on, the verb “to love” does not exist anymore. How do you express yourself when you feel love? In words, actions?

To feel love, you experience it through thoughts, feelings and actions. For example, if you aren’t clear on how you feel, you may ask yourself some questions to help you gauge what you are feeling. Here are some examples: What am I thinking? Am I enjoying this person? Do I want to make them smile? How do I feel when I am around them? Or when I am not with them? Do I miss them and long for their company? These kinds of reflections are a good barometer to determine how you are really feeling. Love is often expressed with meaningful conversations, positive physical and facial expressions and great sex. Even when the sex isn’t great, are you still expressing love in a healthy and positive way? That is a clear indication of the expression of love. These are great indications of what love feels like.

You have lived one month without using the word love. Then, it suddenly re-appears, but in the dictionaries it is without definition. You are the person to write it.

To be in a carefree state where you feel grounded, present, and fulfilled within yourself and the people you surround yourself with.

In which situation (or inner state of being) did you feel most disconnected or excluded from love? Can you remember and share the thoughts that you were thinking in this state of being?

When someone I was super attracted to did not give me the time or attention that I deserved. This looked like not returning phone calls or text messages, or generally ignoring me, but they flirted with me and made me feel like there as a potential connection. It made me question who I was, how I was being, how I looked, how I dressed, and all of this pulled me further away from loving myself. This was a painful reality.

When you have been out of Love, how do you help yourself to re-enter?

I re-enter the state of being in love by asking myself a few questions, like what do I need and what do I want and why do I want it? For example, I think about this person I am considering and this experience with this person and how I feel about it. The feeling of being in love with them is something to reflect upon. We all need to learn how to ask for what we need so we can re-enter into love. If the other person cannot give me what I need or want, then I must either accept that they cannot provide this to me, or that I need to walk away. Then I can redirect my energy on myself and reflect on possibly readjusting what I need, what I want and why do I want it.

How have you learned to love yourself despite what other people think of you?

Mirjam: For me, I myself have always been the person who said the most mean or challenging things to myself. So other than the opinion or comments of others, I could not escape or reject my own thoughts.
In a situation where the outer circumstances of my life got really tough, I realized that I can’t afford being against myself anymore. So I gradually dropped these thoughts and changed the way I see myself — through several and different healing processes.
Over time, this led to a point, where having (automatically) loving thoughts and actions towards myself became easier: having the loving thoughts was as normal for me as having the mean thoughts. They felt equally true.
And then it went from 50:50 to 49:51–51 being the loving thoughts.

I am grateful for this inner milestone and keep building on it.

Let me start by saying what an almost lover is for me. An almost lover is a person, with whom you feel SO yourself, SO creative, SO in love that you feel — this is my life partner. However, an almost lover does not want to be with you. Did you have an experience like this? And if so — did your almost love story lead to important inner and outer transformations in your life that you are now grateful for? Which are your favorite two ones?

I had an experience where I felt so in love and I felt like myself, so creative, so in love and this person was unable to meet me where I was at emotionally. The important lesson for me was that I learned that I kept attracting people who were not the right people for me. I wanted someone to love me the way I loved them, but I kept attracting people who were one foot in, one foot out, or were cheating with me. I was in this relationship with this person for two and half years and it made me realize that I needed to surround myself with lovers who are two feet in and also, learning who are the other people in my life who are making me feel less than or who make me feel true authentic to myself. The greatest lesson was my recovery. I got support from AL-ANON and this helped me to see that I was attracting partners like my alcoholic mother.

What happens to (your) LOVE when a partner/ crush/ lover — someone you have been in love with — leaves you?

When this has happened in the past, I contemplate what I could have done differently and my selflove in the past has decreased. As I have gotten healthier, with the help of mentors, coaches and surrounded by my safe and trusted support system, I have learned that when a love leave me it’s a an opportunity for me to follow my intuition closer to be with someone who is more aligned to me.

There are many love-quotes out there. Which is your favorite one on true romantic love — and why?

“Trade expectations for appreciation and your who life will change”. — Tony Robbins

With every day being so different, how do you bob and weave through the different emotions so that every day you can be making progress to feel more fulfilled in life?

I try to not resist any of them and be with all of them. It is a process. I feel that feeling all that occurs fully means being fully there. And in a way, this feels fulfilled and helps me to move on in a healthy way.

Learn more about Katie Grimes at katiegrimes.com

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is a Love interview series by author Mirjam Grupp.
Get your FREE chapter of An Almost Love Story at bymirjam.com.

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