h2>Dating : What you should know before online dating for the first time
Last week, I was at a party, and I met a woman. We only talked in a group for a couple of hours, so I don’t know her well at all. My first impression of her was that she’s a very smart, calm, nurturing person.
As is often the case at parties, my love life becomes an ice breaker, and I was telling the group funny and horrifying tales from Bumble and Tinder.
I sometimes wonder how I’ll ever entertain people if I do find my soulmate.
She responded to my stories with thoughtful optimism, which is not something I get a lot of. She mentioned some problems from her love life, and that, despite being single, she was way too terrified to try dating apps. I told her she was right to be. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, The League, Coffee meets Bagel, and everything else, can be a nightmare. I’ve tried all of them, I’ve gone on dozens of dates, and swiped thousands of times. I won’t say that online dating is a past-time that’s brought me a lot of joy.
Still, I also told her that she should try.
I have had meaningful relationships with people I met on dating apps. I’ve heard success stories from other people, so it’s not impossible to find something other than just a hookup. More important than finding a partner is how it’s helped me learn about myself. My experience has made me much more confident in how I present myself to people, more comfortable in making friends with strangers, and much more sure of what I want and need from romance- and from life.
A self-proclaimed expert now, this is what I tell people approaching online dating for the first time, and what I wished people would have told me.
- Try one of the slower-paced apps first, cause Tinder will make you lose faith in humanity. Apps that give you only a handful of matches per day or that will limit your swipes, like Coffee Meets Bagel or Hinge, can be less overwhelming. It can be easy to feel like a product on larger apps, where everyone is meeting a lot of people and no one seems to have any value because they can all be replaced in a minute. Starting slow gives you time to really consider your matches, and will give them time to consider you.
- Test your profile like it’s a science experiment. If you’re not getting a lot of matches immediately, it’s probably not because you’re unspeakably hideous or dull. Take some new photos, get your friends to help you, and try some new profile pics and new bio lines. It can take some trial and error to start attracting the kind of people you want to attract, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get it right the first time.
- Give yourself set times to check apps, because it can make you feel obsessive otherwise. If you live in a big city, you could swipe for hours on end. You might get an overwhelming amount of matches or messages at first. It can be so easy to slip into the ‘I just need a little validation, let me swipe until I get a match’ mindset, or the, ‘has he texted back yet?????’ mindset. I like to only swipe during my commute, and only check my messages at those times or once before bed. These apps are designed to draw you in and keep you interacting there, so, don’t feel bad if you start to feel like you’ve suddenly gone boy crazy. Take some time out and focus on other things so Tinder doesn’t take over your life.
- Remember that you’re a human. You matter. You deserve to be treated with respect, and anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect does not deserve your time.
- Remember that other people are humans. Don’t ghost people. It can be tempting sometimes, but don’t, unless they’re being abusive.
- Talk about it. This is more than just a safety thing. Talk to people who know you, who can talk you off ledges and reassure you that you’re not insane for not going on a second date with that guy who spent the whole time aggressively talking about his ex-girlfriend’s veganism. An outside perspective and validation are important.
- Don’t let anyone take your belief in love away from you. It’s easy to get discouraged after a string of bad dates. Trust me, I know. The longer I’m single, the more I question if a good partner for me even exists at all. I’ve been stood up, lied to, degraded, insulted, manipulated, and threatened. I’ve felt hurt, angry, and disappointed. I don’t know if I will ever find what I’m looking for, but I do know that I’d rather believe that it’s possible than not, even if I stop looking. I don’t want to live in a world where I believe everyone will treat me terribly or that there’s no one left who could possibly love me. It’s not healthy to think that way, even when you start to believe that it’s true. Choose optimism when you can.
Online dating is rightfully terrifying, but, so are a lot of potentially good things. It’s a risk worth taking, even if all you get is funny stories to tell at parties.
