Dating : Women Can Be Nice Guys, Too

Low value traits that keep you unlucky in love

Women who don’t value themselves are often unaware they feel this way. I sure never thought I was low value or had low self esteem or flat out didn’t like myself. It was quite the opposite. I thought I loved myself and was utterly fabulous!

But if you looked at my relationship history and the way I lived, or wasn’t living, my life it would be overwhelmingly clear. Oh, it was a sad, sad existence. And the ego is a bitch. Oddly enough, the lower the self esteem, the bigger the ego so it can protect that fragile self.

That leads us to try and control every aspect of our lives, and every minutia of a romantic relationship. We want to control out of fear. We got hurt or screwed over and we’re not gonna let that happen again.

We’re afraid we’re gonna lose the guy we’ve just started seeing so we do all these desperate, low value things in an attempt to control the situation. The opposite usually happens, though. He leaves.

Here are some things you’re doing that give off desperate, needy, cling vibes that repel men (people).

Giving feels good. Until you give too much and feel hurt and resentful.

Have you ever felt like you gave a man everything, were the perfect girlfriend, gave and gave, and then he just left? Turned you off like a light switch?

If you’ve ever felt this way, chances are you are an over giver. You feel empty and broken because you put the needs of a man above your own.

Over giving can look like:

• Canceling plans just to be with him when he asks last minute
• Having sex when you’re tired and not really in the mood
• Volunteering to do chores for him, pick up his groceries, dry cleaning etc…
• Sending sexy pics even if you feel uncomfortable doing it because he asked
• Not being able to remember the last time you had fun with your friends
• Making yourself available to him at all times

Sacrificing your life and needs to try and meet his is low value behavior.

You think giving will bring him emotionally closer to you, make him appreciate you more, make you irreplaceable, and it backfires. He feels your over investment and loses respect for you. Instead of coming across as loving, you comes across as a martyr or victim.

When you give too much and deny your own life and needs, you really have little to give. You can’t give much value if your cup is empty.

When you value yourself you only have to give a little. It means more and has more significance because he knows you’re giving without an agenda or expectations.

You’re selective with your giving and that makes him feel special. He can, and will, feel the difference.

Giving makes you feel good. This goes for the man in your life, too. He feels good when he gives to you, but there’s a catch: you have to gracefully receive what he gives.

Even something as simple as a compliment. How many times do you downplay a compliment? He tells you that dress is beautiful on you and what do you say?

“Oh, this dress is five years old!” Something to down play his gesture. Or do you say a simple thank you with a smile and tell him, “You just made my night!” Or, “Thank you, I love this dress, too!”

Being able to receive with grace is tied to your self worth. If you struggle with receiving you’re sending the message you‘re not worthy. On some level you believe that and eventually he’s going to believe it, too.

I’ve struggled in this area. When my boyfriend compliments my looks or my outfit I get bashful and say, “Oh, stop” and wave him off.

He brings me sweet surprises all the time. One night he drove 30 minutes just to bring me a rose.

I didn’t tell him, “Oh, you shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble!” I gave him a big hug and squealed, “Thank you! You’re so sweet!” He beamed. He stood a little taller and smiled from ear to ear. He didn’t care that I had on PJ’s that didn’t match.

In high school a boy gave me a $10 roll of quarters to buy the new Green Day album with. My mom made me give it back to him. A few years ago the guy I was seeing would bring me silly little gifts from the thrift store and my mom said, “You tell him he doesn’t have to give you things!”

Record scratch. “YES, HE DOES!”

That right there was my mom projecting her feelings of not being worth anything onto me. She doesn’t feel she deserves gifts so it makes her uncomfortable to see me accept them and feel good about it.

I’ve worked hard to detangle my struggle to receive.

I don’t care how big or small his gesture is. He may cook for me, give me a gift certificate for a mani-pedi, order me the iPhone headphone adapter, bring me a sour apple Monster, or leave me a sweet note on my windshield.

I’m not going to say, “Oh, you don’t have to do that” or “I can do that myself” or “That’s just too much.” I know my value and I’m worth these gestures.

Receive with grace. It helps him connect to you.

Who doesn’t want to fall in love? Falling in love feels exciting, thrilling, amazing. The problem is when you want to fall in love so desperately that you attach quickly to guys you barely know.

It’s been a few dates, or even a few months, and you’re already stressing over the future or how often and quickly he calls or texts you back. You become anxious and insecure in a relationship that’s still brand new.

I have a friend I stopped going places with. Every place was a man hunt for her. If we went out and she didn’t get the attention she was after, she became Debbie Downer, whining about how she was destined to be alone, asking me what was wrong with her.

If she did get attention and a date her excitement was instant. One date and she is raving about Mr. Marvelous. A week later he disappears and she’s ranting about what a prick he is. Sometimes the “relationship” lasts a month or two and when he breaks it off she’s devastated.

She craves that high of feeling desired. It’s a chemical addiction caused by dopamine in your brain. The same one keeping you obsessively scrolling social media. She uses emotions instead of common sense when it comes to falling in love. This pattern repeats itself over and over, and in her heart she decides men suck.

When you don’t value yourself you fall in love fast and attach easily. When you love and value yourself you don’t give your heart away recklessly.

You pace the relationship and take the time to get to know the guy and his character. You’re not willing to settle after a few dates or a couple of months. You recognize the low value man masquerading as a Nice Guy.

So you meet a new man and feel the need to tell him all about your past wounds. You do this hoping if he knows how men have let you down he won’t do it to you, too.

You feel he needs to know this so he’ll know how to treat you, or rather, how not to treat you. But you can’t control how a man (anyone) will treat you. Not with words or your past sad stories.

Then post breakup story goes something like, “How could he do this to me? He knows how bad I was hurt in the past.”

You see yourself as a victim. Playing the victim is one of the lowest of the low value traits. You haven’t done the work on yourself and put the blame on the guys who hurt you in the past and expect the men in your present and future to make up for this somehow.

When I’d go on a date with a guy who felt compelled to share all his past relationship horrors with me right off the bat, I instantly felt pressure. He’s going to expect me to make it all better and be his emotional manager.

We all have our relationship war stories, but these are best trusted to someone who’s put in time, effort and investment. Women who value themselves do the inner work and take accountability instead of playing the blame game. When you do the work and heal your wounds, you won’t feel the need to share them with just any dude.

Don’t confuse purging your past wounds for vulnerability. It’s not. The ability to manage and control your emotions is an irresistible quality. If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.

Lots of women withhold sex for different reasons. They want the commitment first so they hold out until they have that. I’ll give you access to my hooha if you give me the girlfriend title.

Then we have the age old belief that a guy won’t respect you if you sleep with him too soon. Wrong. If you believe that, you’re operating on a low value frequency. You’re allowing him to determine your value and you, and only you, determine your value.

And what exactly does that make, HIM? You’re a slut-bag whore if you sleep with him on the first date, but he’s just… a guy? Is that it?

Cuz I don’t think so.

He’s a hypocritical, misogynistic fuck-face who can take his judgmental, egotistical bullshit right on outta here.

Women who love themselves understand their value isn’t in their vagina. They know their body belongs to them and they can do with it as they please, based on her desires, wants and needs. Good Men know this, too.

Whether you choose to bone someone different every night of the week or go without sex for months or years, the choice is yours.

Low value women don’t get that sex isn’t a prize to be won or a reward to be earned. Sex is something consenting adults engage in because it feels good. Sex is for YOU. And if you’re doing it right, you’re actually attuned to and interested in pleasuring your partner, as well.

The prize is you agreeing to commit to him. The reward is sharing your heart and life with him. If a man shames or rejects you for giving it up too soon, he’s the one with the misplaced value, not you.

When you have confidence you’re rarely insecure. You know your worth and accept yourself, flaws and all, and don’t need validation from outside sources.

When you lack this self value you feel insecure in any relationship. You operate out of fear of losing a man.

You bring up The Talk, try to get a him to define the relationship, and complain that things aren’t progressing. You list your disappointments and push for a definition of where you stand. What you want is validation from him that you’re secure and can relax.

If you’re insecure you can’t relax in a relationship because the relationship defines you and your happiness. If the relationship ends, so does your happiness. When you’re afraid you’re going to lose a man, you hold on tightly and it pushes him away.

If you’re constantly seeking assurance and validation from a man, you’re telling him you won’t be okay if he leaves you, that your well being depends on him. Your insecurity will make him run.

That’s a heavy load for anyone to carry, and it’s not their responsibility. Take ownership of your own security by putting yourself first. Make it your number one priority to feel amazing about yourself.

I see posts from women all over the interwebs about men being jerks.

• He stood her up a bunch of times
• He has a pattern of ghosting
• He talks down to her
• He has anger issues
• He’s a functional alcoholic

She’s usually asking for advice on how to stop letting it bother her or what she can do to change him. She justifies his bad behavior with excuses. He’s been hurt or was cheated on, or his parents abandoned him or he grew up with abuse.

Honey, there is no excuse for a man treating you badly. When you love yourself, you won’t tolerate it, period. Would you let someone treat your friends or family this way? You‘re worth just as much as anyone on this planet.

You think maybe when you wake up tomorrow he’ll get it, it’ll stop, things will change, HE will change. But he’s not going to change. Ever. People don’t change. Not unless they want to. And most people don’t want to. You can’t guilt, bribe or threaten him. It won’t work. Accept him exactly as he is and walk out that door.

“It’s not going to stop ‘til you wise up.” — Amy Mann

Men will treat you badly if you allow it. You show a man how to treat you by how you treat yourself. You accept the love you think you deserve. Start believing you deserve a hell of a lot more.

Guys find it hard to treat a woman with high self value badly because he knows she’ll walk. She’ll choose to be alone over being with a guy who thinks he can treat her like shit.

It’s not just about what you do, but what you don’t or won’t do. Accepting bad behavior reflects your feelings of unworthiness. A man will treat you as well as you treat yourself.

It’s true: you don’t have to love yourself to be in a relationship. A lot of couples I know downright hate themselves, and their shitty emotionally and mentally abusive relationships show it.

You have value. You are worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. That only comes when you learn to be a high value woman. It comes from a deep, honest place of self love, worth and acceptance.

I’ve been the Nice Guy with my low value vibe and actions. I ruined relationships, ran guys off, and was single for 11 years because I did all of this stupid shit and more. It was a purgatory I built myself.

I put in the work on healing and bettering myself and turned it all around. Now I’m in the best relationship of my life. This is not a coincidence. You can, too. Ditch your doormat ways and take back control of your life!