Dating : Your relationship is beyond saving

by: E.B. Johnson

It isn’t always easy to admit when our relationships are over. Falling in love with someone can move us to some strange places; tolerating behaviors we’d otherwise never allow, settling down with people who hurt us or drive us mad. When our partnerships become more toxic than they are beneficial, we have to walk away. But that requires first knowing the signs and what to look for in a failing relationship.

We must look to things like failing intimacy and failing communication as signs of a relationship in trouble. While some of these issues can be minor in nature, some of them are far more insidious. Knowing where your partnership lies comes down to knowing the other person and knowing what you need and how you feel. You have to face some brutal truths, and one of those might be that your relationship is beyond saving.

From the time of our earliest memories, we were promised and preached a very specific version of love. In this fairy tale picture, we were led to believe that love alone was enough to overcome any hardship or challenge that life could throw our way. This was a lie, though. Love (on its own) is not enough to sustain a relationship that’s plagued by infidelity, abuse, silence, and pain. Some relationships cannot be salvaged, no matter how much love the other person and the memories we share with them.

Not all wounds can be healed. Not every conflict can be resolved, and not every clash of personality is reconcilable. As we grow and change, the things we want from our partners changes too. Likewise, some sides of our partners can only be seen after a great deal of time. And not all of these are redeemable.

You have a right to be happy. But that can require you to make some hard choices in the name of love for yourself. This can mean walking away from the wrong people at the right time and doing what you need to do to protect your wellbeing and your vision of the future. Before any of that can happen, though, you have to accept some brutal truths and the reality that you deserve stable, willing love. If your partnership is shattered beyond repair, find the courage and strength to walk away and build the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Is your partnership on the cusp? Can you feel things slipping away by the day? While some relationships can be redeemed, some are far beyond saving. Look for these signs to help you find the answer. Is your relationship salvageable?

No more trust

Have you and your partner lost all trust in one another? Do they constantly accuse you of betraying them, or the commitment that you made together? Do they refuse to listen, or seek help, when you reassure them? Without trust, a relationship cannot withstand even the most superficial of challenges. A partner who (without reason) refuses to trust you is not someone you can build a life with.

An unwillingness to communicate

Communication too is a pillar of any strong and equitable relationship. What does the communication in your relationship look like? Are you dealing with someone who won’t talk to you anymore? Have they even stopped fighting with you? If they give you nothing, and they want nothing in return from you — it may be over. They’re a brick wall. There’s no movement, no feeling, no way to get through. They’re unwilling to communicate with you because something major has changed.

Constant infidelity

If you or your partner are constantly straying outside of the bounds of your relationship (whatever those bounds are) into the arms of another person, it’s time to call it quits. Constant infidelity is disrespectful and a concrete sign that emotions and values are not aligned. Having frequent, superficial relations is fine (safely). Doing it behind someone’s back? Injuring them? That’s unacceptable.

Any type of abuse

Abuse — be it mental, physical, or emotional — is unacceptable and a foolproof sign that it’s time to leave. Though we might love our abusers dearly, we are unable to change them. That’s because we alone are the ones who can change ourselves. They have to want to change, and they have to want that on their own. No amount of love or “hanging on” will convince them of that. If the person you love hits you, tortures you, or holds your relationship hostage, then it’s time to go.

Different expectations

Though we begin our relationships with the best of intentions, things change. We grow and transform as people, and so do the things we want from our partners and relationships. You and your partner or spouse might have grown apart. You may have noticed that the things you expect from them have changed and they just can’t keep up. Likewise, your partner might find that you disappoint their expectations one too many times to be okay. Either way, these mismatches can be critical and too different to overcome.

Endless irritations

Does your partner constantly irritate you? Do you find yourself looking for fault in everything they do (and finding it)? This is often our subconscious self flagging us down and warning us of our emotional folly. Think of it like Jiminy Cricket screaming in your ear. Something about this person no longer fits what you want, or what you thought you wanted. It’s an indication that there’s a serious divide.

Punishing one another

When we become disappointed or hurt by our partners, we can find ourselves seething with resentment and a need to punish one another. This happens (most commonly) through emotional outbursts and dramatic displays; which usually does more to upset things than to resolve them. You might always be looking for a way to make them feel small, or put them in their place. Either way, it’s not a feasible environment to foster trust and understanding in.

Walking on eggshells

Because you walk around punishing one another and lashing out emotionally, you might find that you or your partner are constantly walking on eggshells. Perhaps you go out of your way to avoid their notice, or make plans out of the house and away from their prying eyes. At the same time, you might notice your personality or identity shifting dramatically. This can also be a sign of mental and emotional abuse.

Lacking authenticity

Who are you within your relationship? Who are you right now in this moment? If you answered, “I don’t know,” to either one of these questions, it means you have to lose touch with your sense of self. This occurs when no longer aligned with your authentic sense of purpose. You don’t recognize who you are or what you want from life; you have an inability to identify your values and beliefs. When you start lacking authenticity within a relationship, it can be a serious warning sign.

Eroded intimacy

Eroded intimacy is one of the most common side effects of a relationship that has failed. There are many types of intimacy, and all of them are important when it comes to our romantic relationships. If you no longer turn to your partner or spouse for emotional support (and you no longer find yourselves cohesive in the bedroom), it’s time to step back and take a serious look at who you are and what you want your relationship to be.

Acknowledging that your relationship is no longer healthy or viable is just the first step. Once you’ve accepted that they aren’t the one, you have to accept that love is not enough and that you deserve to take action in the name of your absolute happiness and fulfillment.

1. Understand that love is not enough

Most of us were force-fed the belief that love was enough to overcome any evil life could throw our way. We watched as our parents struggled on through abuse, addiction, and infidelity, and this created the idea that suffering in love was normal. Now, however, we know that it is definitely not normal. Being in love is no longer an excuse for abuse, dismissal or betrayal. It’s not enough to accept the bare minimum when you have needs that are just as valuable as anyone else’s.

Love is an emotion. It cannot feed you. It cannot clothe you. It will not ride in on a white horse and save you from yourself and your troubles. While love is a powerful bonding agent, it is not an active and tangible participant in our physical existence. It’s simply a piece of the puzzle. On its own — love is not enough to sustain us through the hardships and challenges of life.

Though you may love your partner (and they may love you in return) that just won’t cut it when you hit your lowest moments. We need to trust one another, have faith in one another, and know that we are both working toward the same things in life. We have to have values that are aligned, integrity that’s in step, and a certain perception of life and self that makes it possible for us to see and value one another authentically. Without these things, we can’t maintain our love and we certainly can’t maintain our empathy for one another.

2. Let go of the blame games

Coming to the understanding that your relationship is over is a journey, and one with a lot of steps and internal struggles. Once you have come to this knowledge, though, it’s important to let go of the blame games and responsibility shifting so that you can move forward effectively. There’s no point in holding on to who did what. It’s in the past. If you want to let go, you have to put your past where it belongs and get focused on the future.

Frankly — the fault doesn’t matter. If the decision has been made to call things quits, then the blaming, and the drama serves no more purpose. The only thing to do at that point is to let go and look forward. What steps do you need to take to get to the next step? What physical and emotional assets need to be secured so you can get clear of this relationship?

The more time you spend looking backward, the less energy you’ll have to move forward. Dwelling in blame and ego — even after taking the decision to end it — doesn’t allow you to process, and it certainly doesn’t allow you to identify the necessary lessons. Beyond that, consider your love. If you both truly love one another, then you’ll want the best for each other. This “best” requires us to let go of our anger and see things as they really are. Not good, not bad. Just another instance to learn and experience.

3. Lean slowly into your space

Letting go when you’re still in love is not something that always can (or should) be done overnight. Our relationships are a big part of our lives, and the people we build them with are a part of that foundation too. Cutting them out cold-turkey isn’t always practical or desirable. If you made a slow descent into madness, then it makes sense that you make a slow descent into separating too.

Each of you lean slowly into your personal space and feel out what it means to be a single individual again. Tap back into your passions, social circles, and the pastimes that brought you joy and fulfillment. Find yourself again, and in that space allow yourself to become more comfortable with the idea of letting go.

Allow your individuality and the vibrancy of your life fill that hole where your dying partnership lies. The more excited you allow yourself to become about your own solo adventures, the easier it becomes for you to let go of the things (and people) that no longer suit you. Find yourself again, and in that finding discover the joy in letting go and freeing yourself of the relationships that are holding you back and keeping you small.

4. Fine tune your support networks

Consider your support networks. When it comes to your friends and family, who is there for you to lean on? Is there someone you can trust? Someone who can be a shoulder to cry on, or help you move your stuff? Our support networks are everything when it comes to breaking up or moving on. That’s because they offer us invaluable insight and the motivation to do what’s right for us.

Stop focusing all your energies on your partner and changing them. Instead, make your decision and then reach out to your loved ones for support. Let them know what’s going on and let them know what you need to. Have someone you can rely on for emotional support, and someone you can rely on for physical support. They don’t have to be the same people, but they should be individuals you can trust.

Of course, this is something that must be managed carefully. If you are dealing with an abusive partner, or someone who is struggling to let go, this support network should also include a mental health or family advice specialist. They can give you crucial advice on how to move forward the safe way, while adhering to all your rights and personal needs. If you’re dealing with a complex or potentially dangerous situation, find a professional and get help.

5. Be brazenly honest with one another

Just as a relationship takes at least two people to join into, a breakup also requires the involvement of all parties. While you can walk away without the consent of the other person, it’s best not to do it without their knowledge. If it is safe for you to do so, it’s important that you sit down and have an honest conversation with one another. One in which honesty and objectivity take the front seat.

Be brazenly and brutally honest with one another — and yourselves. You might genuinely love one another more than anyone else in the world. But that doesn’t mean you’re good for one another. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Loving someone isn’t always grounds for a happy ending. It’s as easy to fall in love with a villain as it is to fall for a prince. The results are totally different.

Put your hearts in your pockets and put your brains in the driver’s seat. Look at the quality of your lives together and then accept what it could be apart. Stop running from truths that are screaming in your face, and be the grownup, rational adults you’re supposed to be. If you’ve avoided major responsibilities like children and mortgages, cut your losses and call it quits while you both have a chance to create the futures you’ve always dreamed of.

No matter how much we love someone, it does not always mean that our partnerships are meant to be. Our relationships don’t always end up like the fairy tale we were promised, but that’s okay. We can still have the picture-perfect ending we’ve always wanted, we just have to find the strength (and the action) to find that person…after walking away from a partnership that is far beyond saving.

Understand that love — on its own — is not enough to heal or save you, or your partner. Love is just one piece of the puzzle. Without mutual respect, trust, understanding, and personal responsibility, it’s impossible to build something that can withstand adversity. Be brutally honest with yourselves and admit when it’s time to let go. Drop the blame games and lean into your own personal space, instead. Begin your disconnect emotionally and reach out to your support networks for help. Letting go of someone you love is painful. There’s no shame in finding a shoulder to cry on. Don’t shy away from the truth, though, whatever you do. Your relationships aren’t meant to bring you misery and heartache. They should bring you joy. Admit when your relationship is beyond salvaging so that you can find a better way to move forward.