Dating : Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man — The Painful Dating Version

They say that to be a successful woman, you need to “act like a lady and think like a man”.

Some surprising messages from old matches got me really thinking about this phrase…

What is it about “thinking like a man” that’s still so important in our day and age, but especially in dating?

Or in other words: what is it about “thinking like men” that can help me to get what I want in my heterosexual love life? Why is thinking like a woman damaging my so-called dating success?

Don’t get me wrong — I think the world should think more like women. Call me naive, call me a dreamer (and don’t call me past 10pm if you find life precious), but I truly think that if we had more women leaders, there would have been less wars and global hunger.

But the sad reality is that we’re still expected to think, act and carry ourselves in the world according to male standards.

So I decided to put my disagreement with the world aside for a second, and like the good pupil that I am, analyze this very thought.

As I said, I recently got some messages from old matches that fell through in the texting phase. It takes something really radical for me to unmatch someone from a dating app, so when I lose interest in a conversation, I just leave it there. You can never know what funny incidents you’d end up having (also, personally I don’t find it as the nicest thing to do, it’d always felt to me like cancelling a person altogether).

Honestly, my first reaction to seeing those messages from each one of them was a serious eye roll and thinking: “you are so very pathetic”. For context’s sake, those specific guys made a very sleazy impression on me. Seeing a new message from them made me think: “these guys must’ve ran out of new matches, are horny as hell and trying their luck now with old ones who are, let’s face it, geographically the closest. How very pathetic”. And I might be wrong about this. It doesn’t really matter what’s the reason behind their message: they’re either horny, stupid, or plain masochistic. The fact is, they sent me another message to check if I’m still around.

But then I took a step back and sincerely asked myself: could it be that they have understood something that I failed to all those years?

The simple answer is yes.

They’re creating more opportunities for themselves. They might have been rejected more, but they are also more “immune” to rejection — and they also must have gotten way more “yes”es and second chances.

They dare more, as they were taught and raised to.

See, we as women are taught to be sensitive, thoughtful, considerate. We mostly think that if someone had rejected us once, that’s a done deal.

At least for me it is.

But those guys know what they want and they go and get it. As simple as that. They have a mission and nothing will stop them on their way.

I should emphasize, there’s a very big difference between trying again and being nastily pushy. Some of those men can be even harassing. They will nag the hell out of me until I’d answer. Sometimes I think that if they had had my phone number, they would have even called me in the middle of the night just to cure their attention deficit.

And that’s, ladies and gents, is a clear harassment. I fully condemn it. Those are the guys that I’m unmatching without blinking or feeling bad about.

But I can and I do appreciate persistency.

I can appreciate someone knowing what they want, and keeps being a human being while going after it.

Can I draw an elaborate picture, or draw particular lines between what is harassing and what is persistent? Truthfully I don’t think so. Because what’s pushy for me, another might find charming. What I find as a good convo, might be a complete bore and a waste of time for someone else. Because my own preferences are mine, and I respects others’ choices while hoping they’ll respect mine, too.

As I’m writing this, I think it’s also funny that I haven’t been more persistent in dating, at least in the very early stages of it. I‘m working so hard on persistency in my business. Finding a good relationship is really important to me, how come I’m not using it more in that field of my life?

I’m talking about the very early stages, though. The ones where there are too many deal-breakers to count. The part where one misplaced sentence can change your entire (limited) perspective on the other person, and you’ll never be able to see them in that previous, naiver light.

To be honest, I am persistent enough when I believe there’s potential with and in the other person. And I sure am persistent enough while in a relationship. Now, after establishing that ego is out of the equation, I find it to be much easier for me show up for myself, say what I want, and be less afraid of getting rejected. But I could probably get better at that, too.

I’m thinking about all the missed opportunities I left on the floor in the past few years. I’m trying really hard not to beat myself up for it. Truthfully, it’s very likely that I over-analyzed situations and assumed that the other side had lost interest at some point. Picking those conversations up now seems like a very weird thing to do, but don’t mind me, that’s just my woman brain talking.

If I were to adopt some of that “masculine” way of thinking — would it give me more credit? More success? Or would that be uncomfortable, or even threatening to some? I’m not the easiest to handle to begin with, so I’m wondering how that would be perceived. For now, I’ll try being more persistent. Assertive. Impulsive. It might become handy, it might be really bad. But those who don’t dare never win, and I’m tired of losing.