h2>Dating : How I Found My ‘Bagel’ After Seven Years on and Off Dating Apps
How I Found My ‘Bagel’ After Seven Years on and off Dating Apps
Monica Luhar
I’ve been on and off dating apps for the past seven years and have dealt with my share of being stood up, ghosted, or having lengthy conversations that end up going nowhere.
Nearly two years ago, after a good sage cleanse and some soul-searching, I finally mustered the courage to reinstall my Coffee Meets Bagel app after a long dating hiatus. At one point, I was on six different dating apps and each one felt like a full-time job with no benefits.
I eventually got the same thread of unwelcome comments despite my best efforts to include a disclaimer that I was not interested in hooking up, but rather, a long-term relationship. I even got the same “copy and paste” paragraph-long pick-up lines from dudes that seemed to spend a little too much time on dating apps. There were moments when I felt a pang of discouragement and almost came on the brink of deleting the app for what seemed like the thousandth time.
But, I ended up getting a “like” on Coffee Meets Bagel sometime in October of 2017 from a white guy with Shirley Temple-curly blonde hair. The fact that he used up his bagel points meant he was probably not just interested in a hook-up. So I gave myself an ultimatum and said, “What the hell? Let me just try one last time before I delete this app for good or either get an arranged marriage with some Indian guy.”
Something about his scuba-diving picture and Ray-Bans disguise threw me off but fascinated me all at once. Justin and I messaged back and forth and his first message went something along the lines of, “So..what was it like meeting Bill Nye the Science guy at work?” (I added three fun facts or encounters and he read through my entire bio, which was a plus).
I chronicled the story to Justin and told him how Bill Nye didn’t seem all too thrilled to take a selfie with me as he was getting off the elevator. I really just wanted to have a brief conversation with him, but he assumed I was just another fangirl. He dropped his bag on the floor, and reluctantly said, “You want to take a selfie, don’t you?” Bill Nye even judged my selfie game much to my embarrassment, I recalled to Justin.
Justin and I continued to exchange insightful and humorous messages like this. It was nice for a change. Instead of messaging for weeks, what I liked about Justin was that he asked to meet in person after a few simple exchanges on the dating app. I liked that we didn’t have too many back and forth messages. We both seemed eager to meet each other, which was nice. It was refreshing because so much of the interactions happen via text or the app and when it comes to doing the physical part of actually meeting in person and dating, you either get ghosted or someone flakes or chickens out. It can be a frustrating ordeal.
Somehow the conversations with Justin and I flowed effortlessly even though I was a bit hesitant on our first date at Urth Cafe. He walked in with a relaxed look on his face, masked by his sunglasses like the ones in his profile picture. He wore a white shirt and what seemed like tiny cacti illustrations and board shorts. Super calm, casual and relaxed, just like his personality. I ordered a caprese sandwich, and he ordered something more substantial. The food just wasn’t that great, but it was the company that mattered. I kept getting self-conscious every time Justin stared deep into my brown eyes. It was like he was smitten on date one (which he later admitted he was). He told me he was around the area earlier that day, at a succulent fest visiting a good friend. “Good, he likes nature and green things,” I told myself. I kept making a pro and con list in my head like I do with every date. So far, he wasn’t a serial killer or someone who was looking for a short-term relationship or fling. That was a plus. He’s not secretly married. That was a plus, too.
I tried not to let the ghost of past dates alter or scar me for life or make any comparisons to Justin because I realized right from the start, that he was a decent guy. Well-mannered, had good family values, and was charming. It would be a shame if I didn’t give him a chance at a second date. So after departing ways after visiting an antique store in Pasadena, we hugged for what seemed like an eternity. “I’ll see you again, I hope?” said Justin. “That’s a definite possibility,” I smiled.
I always thought back to how seemingly easy it was for my South Asian parents to commit and agree on an arranged marriage with someone they knew based on their parents. It was more of a marriage between families. I knew, for certain, that I didn’t want that for me even though I respected the traditions and their arranged marriage journey. For my South Asian parents, “dating” is useless unless you know it’s going to potentially end up in marriage. If you’re dating just for the heck of it, you’re not serious about a potential long term relationship and you’re just wasting your time, in their eyes. My parents’ views about dating have evolved over the years, and I am grateful they are accepting of my interracial relationship and not pressuring me to marry an Indian guy. Justin has been welcomed by my family (and my dog Ryder) with open arms (and paws).
On our second date, Justin took me to Disneyland because I had messaged him and told him about how I was traumatized by Disneyland since getting stuck on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride on my 7th birthday. He knew I had to conquer my fears, so we sat with Mr. Toad and circled through hell and back, and I survived. We also park hopped and went to California Adventure at night to watch a water light show. He cuddled next to me, waited for the right synchronized finale and kissed me for the first time. It was then when I felt that weird spark you know you get when you feel like you’ve met the one. As we left the light show, there was another light show in the sky in the form of fireworks. He pulled me toward a tree, across from a candy shop and kissed me under the fireworks. It felt like I finally had my Bollywood moment after going through bad breakups, the wrong guys, and countless heartbreak.
The Haiku Guys in Echo Park even penned a beautiful poem of our second date based on me facing my fears at Disneyland, and it was quite a delight.
Sometimes it takes a hell of a bunch of bad dates to finally catch a break. There were a ton of bad date stories I’ve had…like that one time I got stood up from a Match.com date and I was so angry that I accidentally backed into our driveway gate in anger. Or, that other time when I had a date with a dentist who brought his iPad to study for an exam during our date. He also bragged about his two homes while downing two shots of Fireball.
And then, of course, there was a distant aunt who tried to pair me up with a South Asian boy, to which I kindly declined despite her attempts to lure me in and convince me that he was financially stable and came from a good family. She was disappointed when I declined her offer, and told my father, “well, Monica is getting older. Her time to find someone might pass.”
There were moments when I thought Justin and I wouldn’t work out because we were so different.
He’s a Gemini, I’m a Virgo. He’s into the sciences and there have been times when I have absolutely no clue what he is talking about when he references the periodic table during our conversations or goes off on a chemist tangent. He lives in Orange County, and I live in Los Angeles County — two counties apart. He likes Metal and I like Jazz and Bollywood music. He has an obsession with unicorns and loves binging on“Joe Pera Talks With You.” He is not a planner. I, on the other hand, am a to-the-minute obsessive scheduler and planner. And of course, he is carefree and I am mostly uptight and do things according to plan or ahead of plan (like writing out all ETA and to the minute road trip plans).
For Halloween, we made our own DIY Fred and Wilma Flintstone costumes because we were both huge fans of Flintstone Vitamins growing up as kids of the ’90s. That night, we had no plans, so we just decided to wander the streets of Orange County. We ended up walking past a punk concert and listened to it from a distance before going to a barcade and playing Street Fighter together. We even went to a museum and walked the runway in our ’20s dapper matching attire. (We didn’t win the costume contest, but we had an amazing time).
Through all our differences, though, we found common ground and have never felt like we had to impress each other. Part of what makes our relationship work is that we are best friends first, and a couple second. Being together for over a year and half, I’ve learned so much about myself. Instead of losing myself, I have found someone who has continually pushed and encouraged me to discover myself again and tap into my strengths. It’s fun to do new things together and push ourselves to create.
Through my ups and downs, Justin has always supported my dreams. He’s reminded me countless times (after I left the world of journalism), that I’ll always be a journalist, even if I took time off to get a full-time job as a substitute teacher to pay the bills.
He told me to pursue my passion projects, like my women’s empowerment blog and a soon-to-launch podcast with a former radio colleague of mine. This is not to say that my past boyfriends weren’t supportive, but Justin has genuinely cared about both my career happiness and well-being more than anyone I have previously been with. If something is bugging me, we’ll talk it out. We have done a lot of self-care retreats, like painting a wind chime or stuffing ourselves with popcorn at the movies while being dual AMC A-List holders.
We even got ourselves matching Bob Ross shirts that say, “No mistakes, just happy accidents” as a reminder not to take life too seriously. Justin also took me to my first wine and paint event where we painted under a blacklight listening to Drake and Taylor Swift. I started off with a blank canvas, not knowing how to paint. I went in trying to paint along the lines, not realizing that I could blend in other colors and not go according to plan. Justin reminded me that “every artist is his/her worst critic,” and that he was amazed by my art just the way it was. I looked at it from every angle again, and I was proud of myself for letting go and painting with no hesitation. When Just was having a hard time at work, I took him for some laughs at a local improv even though I’m not really into comedy but I knew one of his favorite comedians would be there. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and also be willing to have an open mind and explore hobbies you wouldn’t normally consider.
Ever since meeting Justin, I deleted my six dating apps and thanked Coffee Meets Bagel for helping me find my forever bagel. Sometimes you just have to hang in there on dating apps and go through a bunch of stale bagels before finding your match. There is light at the end of a very long dating tunnel (sometimes).
