Dating : Swingers Are Far Less Dysfunctional Than Their Vanilla Friends

A few years ago, my husband and I started talking about swinging.

It started out as curiosity and teasing pillow talk, which slowly morphed into an ongoing fantasy.

One night, during our talk of sexy things and forbidden desires, a quick internet search led me to a swingers lifestyle website.

Our pillow talk turned into real talk.

We quickly learned there are entire dating websites dedicated to this extraordinary subculture. There are thousands of people actively interested in this same concept of non-monogamy.

A quick scroll through swinger profiles helped us realize we had a lot of work to do before jumping into bed with anyone. That first glimpse behind the swinger’s curtain left us speechless as we stumbled upon detailed desires that had us both blushing, and realizing how truly vanilla we were.

We read bio after bio of couples casually referencing things like “ass play” and “double penetration” just before finishing up the “about us” section with “family comes first, so we’re very picky about who we go on dates with!”

At first, I was a bit freaked out. My terrified vanilla side was wondering if I was already in way over my head.

These swingers were bouncing between ass-play with strangers to family-first — all in the same paragraph.

How did these magical couples weave their sexuality and desires so seamlessly into the rest of their lives?

We spent months researching swingers

We were really intrigued by swinging and spent a lot of time studying and bouncing around ideas we found on other swinger couples profiles.

Not in a creepy stalker way, but to get a behind the scenes look at the couples who call themselves swingers.

These people were confident and sexually unencumbered — they were exactly what we wanted to become.

Through our research, we learned about some of the swinger-specific language and terminology used in the lifestyle. Having a better understanding of the lingo helped us put the things we wanted to try into words, and brought our individual and partnered boundaries into focus.

Exploring the swinging lifestyle online finally opened us up to discussing our deepest sexual fantasies. We spent countless hours talking through all the what if’s, until about two months after our first conversation, when we decided we were ready to try it.

How could we not be?

After spending months running through every possible swinging scenario we could think of, we were super into it.

Once we established our ground rules and felt comfortable enough to put ourselves out there, we got online and created a profile. The messages started coming in from other couples almost immediately.

It turns out fresh meat is a hot commodity in our local swinger scene.

Be prepared for wanna-be swingers

Although we’re in our early 30’s, neither of us had experienced any form of online dating. We met at work and we got married young. All of this was way before swiping right (or is it left?) became a thing.

We were unprepared for the pitfalls of dating in the swinger lifestyle.

The biggest shockers included single men posing as couples, selfies so severely filtered they looked more like alien women than real women, and men who hoped their wives would get on board with the idea once they got the ball rolling.

At first, it was a challenge to find honest couples who were genuinely interested in the type of relationship we were looking for. Eventually, we learned how to quickly spot the fakes and wanna-be swingers and struck gold.

We were pleasantly surprised when we met the real couples at the heart of consensual non-monogamy.

Couples who practice consensual non-monogamy were actually far less dysfunctional than our vanilla friends.

What are swingers really like?

Although swinging isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, the people we’ve met and the experiences we’ve had in the lifestyle have changed our lives and made us better humans.

Contrary to popular belief, swingers aren’t sex-crazed weirdos who can’t be satisfied sexually, even with their supposed nightly orgies and depraved sexual thoughts.

Swingers aren’t couples who sport-screw and use swinging as some desperate adulterous attempt to save a marriage.

Swingers are like anyone else

They look like our neighbors, friends, or co-workers. Some are accountants, doctors, sales managers, teachers, mechanics, models, photographers, nurses — they aren’t a special breed of people, they’re just like anyone else.

In our experience, couples who participate in the swinging community are far less dysfunctional than our vanilla friends who’d scoff at the mere mention of such sexual deviance.

We were pleasantly surprised by the amazing people in our local swinger scene, which made the lifestyle even more appealing to us.

Swingers have an edge on our vanilla friends

Swingers are just like any other couple — with one critical exception: they don’t avoid talking about or exploring tough topics like boundaries, sexuality, or their unique desires as individuals and a couple.

Couples who swing have more open dialogue than any non-swinging couple we’ve met. They recognize the need for sexual variety, fantasy, and enjoyment, and they go after those pleasures together.

For example, there are plenty of married women in the lifestyle who consider themselves bisexual. Swinging gives women like us an opportunity to explore our sexuality with our partner and others interested in consensual exploration.

We can have our cake and eat it too.

They are absolutely not dishonest or cheaters

Cheaters look for ways to replace their partner or fill holes in their relationship. Swingers are looking for ways to add connections together, not replace the ones they have.

Swinging in a team sport, not an individual event.

It’s an opportunity to strengthen the bond of a relationship by adding a bit of spice and variety.

Swinging is not all about the sex, either. It’s really more of a mindset.

Swinging is openness and willingness to explore and allow those around us the ability to explore, all while acknowledging and challenging the reality of our reactions and emotions.

Swingers are some of the best people we’ve met

Most of the swingers we’ve met have become great friends, the kind of friends most of us rarely make as adults.

The swinging lifestyle has rid us of our quick judgment and closed-minded opinions of marriage and sexuality. It has brought a diverse group of people into our lives we wouldn’t have otherwise met and given us the ability to communicate openly and honestly about our sexual needs and desires.

Joining the lifestyle has taught us how to effectively communicate our needs and inspired us to lean into our sexual desires.

Swinging has made us better people, and lovers.