Dating : Down with Avocado Toast!!! AMIRITE

Millennial schmillenial, my Tinder says I’m 22 so…

Nice to meet you! I’m Jessic — I mean… Brayden, hehe.

Can you even believe this place has the audacity to have avocado toast on their menu? In this day and age? Not me! Not in 2020!! Hahah. I’m not paying $12 for a smushed unethically sourced avocado on top of a homemade yeasty, beautiful little beast of a loaf. And SRIRACHA? Gag. So gross, right!? Omg, they put everything bagel seasoning on it, too. That’s so funny.

I’ll prob get the smoothie bowl. Or…hmm… well, I mean…

Maybe I’ll get the avocado toast, to be ironic. I wonder if they have any house-made fermented hot sauce.

Yeah. I know things about stuff. *Wink*

Idk if you followed me on Instagram after we matched but my posts during quarantine are all about how I’m a super-duper sourdough maker now. Omg, you too? No way. Not to be a simp but you could pretty much say that I made that mother my daddy…er?

That’s not right, is it?

Yuhhh it’s our server finally! Hi… hi, could you bring me another mimosa when you have a minute, please? Oh my god, you don’t want to see my ID? That’s so sweet of you. Well. I mean. Here it is anyway, haha, don’t I look so young, haha.

Are you on TikTok? Yah, same. I do this really edgy satirical bit when I rail against capitalism but then rate Trader Joe’s seasonal items by how much I want them to fuck me. It’s satirical but actually like 100% accurate. You should follow me.

Oh, no, sorry, I didn’t ask for any creamer. I’m vegan. Well, a freegan, technically.

Siiiiick you too? Yeah, I dunno if they have it but we could ask if they carry oat mi — oh. Oh, oh wow.

So like, you’re really still drinking soy milk? That’s cool… I mean, to each their own… but yikes, I didn’t realize places were even buying it anymore. That’s really interesting. Nonono it’s fine!

Do you want to go thrifting after this?