Dating : Love At First Sight? It’s Cute, But It’s Not Love

Ahh, love at first sight. Very romantic, no? You’re at the grocery store, selecting some artisan prosciutto, and your fingers gently graze the top of another hand that happened to be reaching for the very same packet of cured ham at the exact moment you did. You both look up, lock eyes, and suddenly find yourself entering a whirlwind romance. It feels like the kind of love you’d burn buildings for, and you haven’t even asked for his mother’s maiden name yet. It’s irrational, but we experience an almost supernatural pull towards another person that makes us certain we’ve found our match.

As a reformed romantic, I once considered the feelings associated with the concept of love at first sight to be the most important indication that a good relationship was about to take shape. I would often have a short interaction with someone new and exciting, then go on to announce to my friends that I was in love. On more than one occasion, these feelings evolved into emotionally destructive relationships. More often than not, I ended up feeling like I didn’t have any power in the relationship. I had invested myself emotionally in these people so early that I decided that they had won my love before they ever had to put in a little effort to earn it. After being burned by what I had once been so sure was love at first sight, I started to wonder if perhaps Tina Turner had been right to ask. What DOES love got to do with it (do with it)?

That’s a really great question, Tina. Such a great question, in fact, that I decided to conduct a little Google research to dig deeper into the topic and found that love, actually, might have very little to do with the feeling at all. One study conducted in the Netherlands concluded that at a certain point on the attractiveness scale, a person becomes nine times more likely to experience the sensation of love at first sight. In short, you’re way more likely to believe someone is your soulmate on the spot if you’re both hot (Zsok, Haucke, De Wit, & Barelds, 2017). Of course, this bodes well for me, a regulation hottie with a subpar personality, in the meet-cute department. Coupled with my desire to always be the hot one in a relationship, the idea of someone finding me attractive enough to confuse their desire to sleep with me for love sounds great. It’s not love, though. In fact, it’s most likely that if you find yourself having experienced love at first sight, the object of your affection has not.

Love at fight sight is often reported as being experienced by only one of the two people involved. In a post on Psychology Today, it was described as a largely one-sided experience (DiDonato, 2018). While you’re planning your entire life around someone after seeing their piercing blue eyes, perfectly faded Levi’s, an arm full of tattoos, they’ve probably only gotten as far as thinking that it might be cool to see you naked. This removes the magic from the concept and reframes it as misguided lust as well as sets the stage for reshaping the other person’s interpretation of the relationship.

When I was 18, I met a guy while I was moving into my freshman dorm at college. He was cute, nice, and checked every box that would put him under the “acceptable” category in my file of potential suitors. For context, the other categories are “hell yes” and “I would rather join a convent and pledge to never have sex again than sleep with this person.” This acceptable guy treated me like a queen, bought me fancy dinners I didn’t ask for but happily accepted, and eventually expressed that he was in love with me. In fact, he had been from the moment he introduced himself to me from the doorframe of my cinder block-walled double room. For the remainder of our four years on campus, this continued. I was so flattered. It’s hard not to be when someone is making you feel so desired. All it took was one look, and this man began courting me with every ounce of energy he possessed and every spare dollar in his bank account. I know, I sound like a golddigger. But when you’re a college student with $0.17 in your bank account, you’ll take a free double cheeseburger wherever you can get it.

I knew that I never wanted to be with him, but I wasn’t willing to let go of how this man made me feel the way I hoped a man I actually wanted to be with would. I enjoyed the way he treated me, and I even thought it might be possible that I could learn to love him. He had experienced love at first sight, and I had experienced the attention of someone who considered me their soulmate. It’s in this not so uncommon scenario that we see how detrimental the idea of love at first sight can be.

I didn’t fully understand how out of control the situation had gotten until one Valentine’s Day when he knocked on my door and walked me downtown to the most expensive restaurant in the town’s small but trendy downtown area. I didn’t even have money in my bank account to cover a Bud Light if this place even served those, so he knew he we weren’t going Dutch. He’d also showed up with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, hoping to sweep me off my feet while I was just in it for a little dinner. He felt magic, and I just felt hungry.

Love at first sight has never been magic at play. In fact, it almost always leads to heartbreak for the party on the wrong side of the interaction. The success stories we hear about it are often skewed by the fact that those who claim it holds weight have found themselves in what they consider to be a healthy relationship.

The phrase “falling in love” implies that it’s a process. My advice to you is to take a good, deep breathe the next time you’re falling in love with someone on the spot and try to think about three ways you think your life might improve if you allow this person to enter it full time. If you can’t name three things, you’re not in love. Not yet. Give it a little time, and if you find someone directing their affections at you, try to state your intentions before you start accepting those $32 plates of filet mignon.