Dating : My OkCupid Boyfriends: Are They Fucked Up, Or Am I?

For me, the hardest part about online dating is taking a selfie that doesn’t resemble an oversized lawn gnome. The second hardest part is weeding out those sizzling-hot, ruby red flags. Nothing turns me on like vagueness and emotional unavailability.

Here you will find a collection of OkCupid profiles that intrigued me to the point of pursuing a relationship. These guys are still on the market, but be careful—they’ll steal your heart, money, self-esteem, and identity.

In a committed relationship but ethically non-monogamous. Must be discreet. Ideal date at 12 pm behind Arbys in next town over. I need a lot of lotion so please come prepared.

Hmmmmm. No idea what to write. Brand new to this online dating…“thing.” Just giving it a try…no pressure. Message me based on the nonexistent info I’ve provided about myself. Open to casual. Enjoy massages. Photo is recent, took this morning outside my house.

Hi. You will need to fake orgasms during sex. I don’t have the time nor patience to warm you up or find your clit. Do that on your own time. I expect you to be a fertile breeding ground without ever mentioning, alluding to, or leaving any evidence of your period. I will develop a large beer belly in roughly two years. You will never gain weight. Pregnancy is NOT an excuse to get fat. I expect you to carry our baby in your ass.

You can find me at the local speakeasy, reading Nietzsche and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes (yes, I grow my own tobacco; no, I’m not bragging). I’m smart, sad, and extremely sexually-repressed. I won’t ask you for butt play but I’ll resent you for never suggesting it. I come from money but own only two shirts. Poly-curious. Plant-based. Feminist. Tired.

do u like older man

Me: Physician, Attorney, & Exec. Well-read. Hilarious. Dapper. Cosmopolitan.

You: Aristotle intellect, Kim Kardashian body. Virgin.

If you can’t engage in rigorous intellectual debate, swipe left. If you aren’t regularly mistaken for an 18-year-old, swipe left.

If you can’t cook, clean, interior design, and work full-time while raising three genetically-engineered children and maintaining a vigorous sex life with me, swipe left.

Must be down to earth.

🏰 ➡️ 🏯 ➡️ 🗽

🙋‍♂️: 🍕⚽️🏋️‍♂️🎸🏄‍♂️🍱💪🏼🧠🍆📚💸🛩🍾

👩: 🐱🍑👄

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welcome to my profile, light heart. you are here because it is your destiny. rather, i am your destiny. let’s meet tonight at your place, i’ll bring wine & a soft speaking voice. we will sit in silent stillness while we gaze into each other’s root chakras. after you open up to me about your childhood, i will immediately move in and start gaslighting you.