Dating : How to Know When You Are Avoiding Communication

By Dyanne Brown

They say that every couple has a topic that will always be a source of contention between them. It’s the nature of being raised in different environments, being different genders or simply approaching situations from different perspectives. We have different beliefs, coping mechanisms or triggers that we bring into our relationships.

Resolution and compromise can be found through communication. Disagreements require understanding and negotiation.

The problem is these are not skills everyone learns. Not every upbringing is a boot camp in conflict resolution skills, emotional intelligence or interpersonal skills. For many people, problems were swept under the rug and they learned how not to speak about dissatisfaction but to pretend everything is fine.

If this was your experience, you might not realize you are avoiding a problem. You are using a coping skill that feels normal to you. In fact, you might feel irritated that your partner refuses to ignore the problem and instead expects you to acknowledge it.

What happens when you create an environment where you or your partner doesn’t feel like they can speak openly about issues is you both begin to tiptoe around each other. This can manifest in a few ways in your relationship.

If you can’t be approached to resolve issues, your partner will be left carrying the emotional labor of the situation alone. They will have to deal with their feelings alone and may not feel as intimate with the partner refusing to address the problem. This creates an emotional distance and resentment which will eventually bleed into the rest of the relationship. No one wants to have sex with someone they resent or who they feel is ignoring their feelings. Eventually, the emotional separation will become physical separation with both partners avoiding closeness.

If you react negatively about situations, you may teach your partner to walk on eggshells around topics that displease you. This creates unease in your partner. They can’t relax around you. They have to monitor themselves and they could become dishonest about what they are doing rather than to deal with your emotions. Making an adult feel like they can’t do something without upsetting you may make them think that excluding you is the way to compromise their wants with your control.

By limiting communication, you can achieve the appearance of a good relationship as you ignore what is creating distance but eventually, the dysfunction will eat what is good about the relationship until all that is left are the unspoken troubles brewing beneath the surface.

Avoidance is only delaying the inevitable and making your partner feel lonely.

In my own past relationships, I had to realize that my way of communicating problems wasn’t healthy or benefitting the intimacy in the relationship. I was used to burying my feelings without telling my partner that I was bothered. It would simmer and with each repeat offense, I would swallow more of my resentment. Then, I would hold my sacrifice against them as if I was the superior partner because I put up with their ways despite being annoyed.

When we finally disagreed, it was my opportunity to unload. Now a simple argument turned into an indictment of every problem in the relationship.

I had to realize that was my problem and not a result of anything they did or didn’t do. That was how I was choosing to handle the problems in the relationship. They never explicitly asked me to withhold my issue nor did they ask me to sacrifice my comfort for theirs. It was what I was used to.

I was raised with an imposing male figure and I walked on eggshells around his feelings, mostly anger. Things had to be a certain way for him or there was hell to pay. I projected that onto my male counterparts. Instead of speaking up, I quietly adhered to how they liked things and bit my cheek for the things I felt uncomfortable with. But, the difference with them was when I felt justified, I could unleash all of the anger I had built up. It wasn’t just anger they created, it was years of unspoken frustration.

Even if it changed their behavior, it eroded trust and it only changed what I could see. They suppressed parts of themselves to avoid the negative interactions. I wasn’t getting what I wanted from them. I was getting a fake version of them to fit my image of a partner.

The most satisfying conversation I ever had was when my partner and I committed to speaking, listening and not trying to control each other. During that conversation, neither of us trying to prevent the other from expressing emotions or saying things that made us uncomfortable. We gave each other permission to be honest even if it hurt. We agreed not to raise our voices. No one could hit below the belt and we could call each other out if we saw the other breaking a rule. In the conflict, we were on the same side. He even held my hand as I cried explaining my hurt.

We talked for 3 hours and I honestly met my partner for maybe the first time. He revealed himself to me and by the end of it, we both decided that we were not the right partners for each other. We finally saw how we were hurting each other trying to be what the other needed. We could have danced around it for a few more years if we continued ignoring the problems. But, our honesty revealed our friendship was great, but our relationship sucked.

Perhaps, you expected me to have a happily ever after. The goal of being honest in your relationship isn’t to end up with a fairytale. It’s to see each other at your worst, most vulnerable, and take care of one another with your choices. Sometimes, the best decision for your partner is one where you realize what’s best for them outside of what you want.

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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

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About Dyanne Brown

Dyanne Brown is a writer and has published several books, including Free Your Mind: Let Go of Everything that Holds You Back. She has committed her life to using her own mistakes to craft articles and stories that inspire introspection and let others know they are not alone in their trials and tribulations.