Dating : 10 Signs He’s Not Your Guy

h2>Dating : 10 Signs He’s Not Your Guy

That he’s into you doesn’t mean he’s your fairytale

Mathilda Oz
Photo by Shamim Nakhaei on Unsplash

There’s a reason why the fairytales all end with the marriage — and no, it’s not because they have sex, rendering it too dirty for innocent ears. It’s because the dreamland of courtship rarely matches the reality of partnered life.

If you read an ad like this for a job, would you respond?

Woman wanted to do dishes, pick up undies and socks, shop, pay bills, cook, clean floors, scrub toilet and bath, look after my parents when they stay, have sex and look after the baby when I leave for work, do the school pick-ups and lunchboxes, and take care of the children until adulthood even when I leave and have a baby with a younger woman whom I tell that I left you because you were crazy and a bad mother.

Role is voluntary with no pay because you love me — no child support either after I go because I will manage to hide my income to evade tax to look more attractive to my new young partner. You’ll have to work and take care of the children all by yourself.

If you wouldn’t choose that as a job, why would you walk blingly towards that as a relationship?

Whilst this might seem extreme, I’ve litereally read thousands of posts on Facebook from post-break-up single mothers experiencing exactly this scenario.

Many of the love hormones are designed to make us compliant and the cultural inculcation of hundreds of years of patriarchy that convinces women that to love someone means making them happy by sacrificing our sense of self doesn’t help either.

Here we were just thinking we were falling in love meant there would be bluebirds, singing cups and roses forever after — when actually that someone expects us to do what they want morning, noon, and night, in order to deserve their love in return.

Anyone can be a prince charming taking you out for dinner and booking a hotel — but can he be prince charming as he wipes the scum from the dishwasher, rinses the garbage bins, and mops pee from a new puppy off the floor?

What about when his mother rings him and complains about you and insists that you are a bad influence and bring shame upon him and his family?

The transformative relationships of the future have both partners equally supporting each other in a symbiotic relationship of synergy — where the dynamic of the partnership is greater than the sum of its parts.

However, for this to happen, we need to have our eyes open — and listen to what our man is telling us through his actions if not his words.

Finding your man doesn’t mean losing yourself. Photo by nic on Unsplash

If you trust that you have been born to complete your own life mission, and you want to feel equally supported as supporting, here’s a checklist of 10 tell-tale signs he’s not your guy:

Do you remember what you dreamt of doing and being as a child? Are you still doing that?

Pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him what you want to achieve. Does he get excited with you, or tell you that you can’t do it — or even shouldn’t?

Look for a partner who actively supports you and asks how he can help you achieve your goals and dreams. You want to feel like you can support his dreams, too.

A relationship that lasts a long time is one where we can feel vulnerable and still feel like we are loved and belong.

How does he react when you relax and simply be yourself — farts and all?

Our home should be our sanctuary. If you find yourself unable to relax and be yourself now, question whether you’ll be able to when you are facing one of life’s challenges and need to let it all hang out.

We can’t both be in love and judgment. If your partner has expectations of you (e.g. how you behave around his workmates or family) does he tell you beforehand so you can discuss it?

Or do you feel blamed afterward?

Make sure that if he does have expectations of you that you are aware and consent. If you don’t consent beforehand, he can’t in good faith blame you after the fact.

It’s not your job to fulfill his unilateral expectations — find someone who makes you feel loved, not judged.

Our partner will have his own goals, and we can give our support to help him achieve them.

Sometimes, we need real assistance to make things work. If you fall over and reach out for help, is his hand there when you ask for a lift up?

If you find yourself actively contributing to help him achieve his goals, like helping more with the housework so he can study for an exam, and he doesn’t do the same for you, that’s a red flag.

We don’t always feel heard as children. As adults, we can speak up until someone hears us. It’s important we know we deserve to be heard.

If your partner accuses you of being crazy, emotional, derides you or stonewalls you (walks away) when you are trying to talk, that’s a red flag.

Find someone who actively listens to you and shows empathy and understanding. If he can take action after listening to you, even better.

Our bodies aren’t just silent blobs. They speak to us. Our guts and hearts have primal brains in them, too. They don’t speak with words, but with feelings in our body.

If your body tells you there is something NQR about being with this guy, your body is probably right. It’s paying attention to a whole lot of signals that are going to be escaping your conscious brain.

Relax (e.g. in a bath) and ask your body what it is reacting to — it might not send you words but it might send you visceral images about what it is feeling.

If you catch yourself dreaming about leaving your partner by a certain date and living happily ever after, without them, that’s a sign to pay attention to.

I once sat on a bus open-mouthed as a friend told me she was marrying a man she’d already broken up with three times because he’d provide good biological material for her children.

Let me tell you something. There are around 4 billion guys out there who are going to provide you with good biological material. It’s called semen.

She was divorced before her first baby was a toddler. Half of all marriages fail. Divorces are as nice for you and the children as trying to get tar off your eyeballs. If you know you’ll be leaving him — just leave him. There’s plenty more fish as they say.

What you want in bed matters. What he does with his dick is as important as anything else about him. If he comes too fast, doesn’t go down on you if you want him to, or makes you feel demanding in bed and doesn’t satisfy you, then these are red flags. If you aren’t sexually satisfied, it will manifest in all kinds of other dissatisfaction in your relationship. If mama ain’t happy, nobody happy.

Go out and bonk your way to love. Fall in love after sex. If sex is no good, forget love.

How does he respond if his family criticizes you? It’s not unusual for a man’s family to want a partner who’s good enough for him — just like your family wants a partner who’s good enough for you.

Pay attention to whether he stands up for you when someone in his inner circle does something to shame or deride you in his presence. Does he tell them not to speak like that?

If he is silent or does something to show his consent — like smirking or laughing — that’s a red flag. If these are just the things they say when you are here — what do they say when you aren’t? You want someone who will support you to your face so you can trust they still support you when you aren’t there.

It’s natural for our mate to want to spend time with friends and family. Time away from each other is healthy and mature.

If, however, you have a special date arranged between the two of you — such as an anniversary — and he’s let you know he’s not spending it with because there’s a poker night with the mates, or his mum wants him to drive her to the movies — that’s a red flag.

You want to know you are a priority in his life. If you aren’t a priority now, when things are easy, what about during bigger life challenges when you will want him at your side?

Read also  Dating : Placard — a short story

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