Dating : 3 Things to Know Before Settling Down

In this article, I will be discussing with you, what it means to settle down. I will also give you some of the signs that you may be ready to settle down. And with that being said, let us get right into it.

There are a lot of things I wish I would have known before I settled down. I wish I would have understood what it would take to make it work. I was not ready emotionally or financially. I wish I had become better prepared for what was to come.

Settling down is choosing to commit to one partner. That could mean marriage or cohabitation. That could mean an engagement — commitment to marry — or a committed relationship that has potential and desire of both partners to lead to marriage. Know what settling down means to you, and what it means to your partner. If you are single and ready to settle down, only seek a partner who is ready for the same. If you are in a relationship and ready to settle down, make sure your partner wants — and is ready for — the same before you commit.

If you even think you may want to settle down, it is time to figure out where you are in your relationship and life — and where you want to go. If in a relationship, remember what type of relationship you entered in to and what you discussed at the beginning of the relationship. Do not be someone who entered a casual — non-serious — relationship, which has caught feelings and is ready for a committed relationship. If that is you, it is essential to note that your partner may not ever want the same thing. If you are single, it is particularly crucial to mentally prepare yourself for your journey to find someone who wants to settle down: as this will be a trial-and-error period.

You will meet people who think they are ready to settle down but are not. You will meet people who only pretend to want to settle down, to continue dating other people. You will meet people who claim they want to settle down but only want the experience without the sacrifice of staying faithful to them alone. Some people want someone to come home to, not someone to commit to fully. They want a main partner, not one single partner — a primary partner with secondary ones and more. You may be their number one, but not their one and only.

You may feel that you are ready to officially commit to one partner — mentally, emotionally, and sexually. You may be tired of dealing with multiple people and only want to deal with one person. You may be tired of getting to know new potential partners — only for it to not work out — and want to share your life with only one person. Sometimes things do not work out while getting to know a partner, and then you must make yourself available and get to know another person all over again: This can be time-consuming and stressful.

You may feel that you are in love with one person and want to spend the rest of your life with them. You no longer think of being with anyone else. You are ready to invest your time and energy on one person. You no longer seek attention from anyone else. You feel comfortable around your partner. You feel that you could tell your partner anything without — much if any — judgment. You do not repeatedly question if it is going to work out. You are ready to go on faith — believing it will work — and risk heartache if it does not. You feel that your partner is worth the risk and the time you want to invest and share with them. You would rather stay at home and chill with them than go out with friends or family.

Now let’s discuss signs for those that are single.

If you are single, you may only want to deal with one person. You may be tired of the single life and casual dating. You may be tired of uncommitted, unserious relationships. Opening your heart and sharing your mind with multiple people can be exhausting. The desire to find one partner to share your life story and dreams — and aspirations — may be strong within you. You are sharing your deepest secrets and regrets and sharing your financial, career, and life goals and sharing your sexual fantasies and sharing past traumas. You may have a powerful desire to find someone to create a life with or to help you raise your little gifts from God — your miracles. You may feel that you are ready to invest and risk it all for one person. You do not feel that you are missing out by choosing to focus on one person.

It is essential to seek friendship over love. Find your best friend. Fall in love with your best friend. Being in love with your best friend is an incredible feeling — and experience — that I hope everyone will experience. It is a beautiful feeling. However, it is essential to know that nothing lasts forever. Some say that energy cannot be created or destroyed but only changes form. Meaning your emotions — energy in motion — can change throughout a relationship.

Trust can turn to distrust. Love can turn to hate. Settling down is a beautiful sacrifice: One that can become a beautiful nightmare. You become vulnerable. The people you love the most tend to hurt you the most. Please remember to prepare yourself and be ready for unexpected outcomes. Please do not be discouraged. It is okay to be excited and faithful about a pleasant experience, but it is also okay to be a little worried and fearful of an unpleasant outcome.

I admit that I settled down way too soon. My wife and I did not take the time we needed to get to know each other. We had become infatuated with love. Love that blinded us. One that blinded us to the fact that we had just met each other. That we were rushing into something that we had hoped would lift us both up but ended up tearing us both down. We were both driven by the idea of love. We were driven by an idea of a beautiful, wonderful life together while not being ready for the commitment — or time, dedication, and energy — that is required. We were not prepared to make the necessary changes or sacrifices that were needed to make it last. It is essential to know what it means to settle down and what it takes. It requires faith and strength.

Do you think you are ready to settle down? Are you ready for a serious commitment? Settling down takes time, patience, compromise, understanding, dedication, and much more. It is not an easy step to make. It takes courage, faith, and self-discipline. Choosing to settle down is choosing to share your life, space, and time with another person. Sharing your finances and giving up some of the financial freedom you had previously. You are choosing to open your mind, heart, and pocketbook to another person. A serious relationship takes serious commitment. I am not trying to scare or discourage anyone, but only stress the importance of this choice.

If this is your first time settling down — (and getting into a committed relationship — you should be prepared for what is to come. If you have settled down previously — and it did not work out — it is vital to figure out why your previous engagement failed. Please do not take baggage from an earlier relationship into your new one. Your old house — or kingdom — that you had built with another partner has fallen, it is time to demolish what remains and build a new one. Do not rebuild that one: start from scratch on a new one. Remember your past mistakes and experiences and learn from them.

Life is a journey, as some say a marathon. Tough, challenging times and obstacles will come. Be mentally and emotionally prepared for a rollercoaster. For what I call the seasons of love. A love that changes just as the seasons do. You will experience changes just as you do hot and cold temperatures. You will have your rainy days and stormy nights. You may seek shelter from the rain — forgiveness or compromise — from your partner, only to have them turn their back on you — out of spite or anger. You will have earthquakes that shake your very core and scare the life out of you. You will have events that knock the wind out of you, but no worries you will breathe again.

It is especially important to know precisely why you are settling down. Are you ready to commit to one partner or want one main partner? I know it sounds crazy, but you would be surprised by the reasoning behind the choices some of us make. Some people want the experience of settling down with one partner — house, kids, dog, etc. — but are not ready to make the necessary sacrifices it takes to do so. They want the spouse — husband and wife — experience without genuinely committing. They may not be ready to commit to one partner sexually.

They may not be ready to make the necessary financial sacrifices to come. One partner may be pressuring the other to settle down. Some people may try to settle down because of fear of losing someone if they do not. Some choose to settle down because of pressure. Pressure from family or friends. Pressure relating to social or religious views. Some do it from the pressure to do so after an unwanted pregnancy. Are you doing it because you are ready and what you want to do, or because that is what you must do to get where you want to go with that person — and get what you want from them?

In conclusion.

When in doubt, take a long time to think about why you want to commit to someone. If you believe you have found someone that you want to commit to, take the time to get to know that person before doing so. You may discover things about them that change your mind. Committing to someone only to discover they were not worth your commitment can be a problematic consequence of doing so prematurely. Know that some people grow apart over time. Sometimes it is not only when you commit to someone, but if you can stay committed. Even if you commit to someone before you are ready — if you two can keep that commitment — you will both be fine. If you take years to commit to someone but cannot or do not stay committed for long, it will have the same effect. That effect will be one of you uncommitting to the other or both uncommitting to each other. Do not be in a situation where you are committed, but your partner is not.

If you genuinely feel that you have found someone worth your commitment and that you are ready to do so, go for it. But only after you have talked about it with family and friends and have taken the time to get to know that person. It is okay to run a background check or do a social media check of a potential love interest. I would rather you find damaging things before you commit than finding them afterward. Once the love comes, it can blind you. Love can have you in situations you would not be in and accepting things — traits — you would not have if you were not in love with that person. I hope and pray that this message reaches all that need it. And I will end it here.

Until next time, take care.

Much love,

Christopher J. Banks, Sr.