Dating : 3 Ways Your Subconscious Mind Sabotages Your Love Life

And what to do about it.

Do you find yourself dating the same ‘type’ time and time again — even when you know they aren’t right for you?

For me, I’d always end up in the arms of emotionally unavailable people.

I’d cling on for dear life because I was afraid they’d leave me for someone better. I was overly emotional and on edge all the time.

We don’t understand why we keep repeating the same toxic relationship patterns, so we put it down to bad luck.

The good news is, we can break these patterns — I did.

After years of lusting after different people who threw me crumbs of attention, I’m in a long-term relationship with my dream partner.

Here are 3 ways you subconsciously sabotage your love life, and what to do about it.

Do you remember your childhood experiences with your parents?

As a child, we’re all little sponges absorbing the world around us, especially our parents behaviours. Whatever they modelled to us, is often what we subconsciously replicate in adulthood.

Therapist Linda Graham gives an example,

“If we witnessed both of our parents frequently handling conflict by walking out the door in tight-lipped anger, chances are that under enough stress, walking out the door in tight-lipped anger will be our default method for handling conflict, too.”

My parents separated when I was young, and they were both emotionally distant. I was the little observer of conflict in my household when it came to relationships.

In adulthood, these experiences can translate in different ways. For me, I always attracted emotionally distant partners.

I was clingy and constantly worried they’d leave me (and they always did!).

When you begin exploring the connection between your parent’s relationship themes and your love life — you might be surprised by what you discover.

What to do

• Reflection exercise — Write in a journal about your parents relationship behaviours. Were they always fighting? How did they speak to one another? Did they show each other affection? Go into detail and look for any patterns or themes.
• Self-awareness exercise — When you shine a light on our parent’s relationship patterns, this can help you understand your patterns too. How do you handle conflict? Are you affectionate with partners? Journal and explore to increase your self-awareness.

I had the lowest of low self-esteem, and I always found myself lusting after people who didn’t want me back.

I ran past red flags faster than Usain Bolt, and savoured every little crumb of attention the other person threw at me — it always ended in heartbreak.

“I’m so sick of this, why do I keep falling for jerks?!” This was a regular line in my tumultuous love life. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I kept attracting emotionally avoidant types.

What we don’t realise is that we are allowing ourselves to accept sloppy seconds.

We have the power to walk away, but we don’t because we’re afraid we won’t find anyone better.

Novelist Stephen Chbosky once said,

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I accepted being second best as an adult because I didn’t want to be alone. But loving yourself is the key to raising the bar, and sometimes it begins with our inner-child.

What to do

• Inner child visualisation — If your 6-year-old self were standing in front of you, how would you speak to them? What would you teach them about their self-worth? Imagine cuddling and having fun together.
• By doing this, you’re going back and giving yourself the love you deserve, and healing a part of you that may have been neglected.

If you constantly find yourself weaving in and out of toxic relationships, your brain is likely addicted to the emotional rush.

These relationships get us caught up in a push-pull game with another person — one minute they want you, the next they don’t (or vice-versa.)

So when you meet someone emotionally secure and stable, dating them might make you feel suspicious or ‘off’ at first.

Psychologist Kristen Hick explains,

“You might easily lose interest in relationships that are predictable, stable, and void of chaos. Instead of feeling comfortable and even attracted to secure partnerships, you might feel bored and uninterested in partners who don’t keep you on your toes with emotional ups and downs.”

When I first met my partner, I was used to navigating rollercoaster relationships — emotional volatility around every corner.

With her, nothing. No nasty surprises. She was reliable, consistent, predictable and emotionally available.

It scared the crap out of me, and I cried on the first 4 dates because she was so lovely.

Logically, I knew she’d be an amazing partner, but every cell in my body wanted to run the other way in the beginning.

Thankfully, I dealt with my emotions and pushed through because we’ve been together for over 2 years now. She’s my soulmate.

Don’t let your brain fool you into thinking they’re boring or you have no connection — they could be your dream partner!

What to do

• Ask yourself — Are you feeling ‘off’ about this person because you’re used to emotional volatility in relationships, or is it because you truly don’t have a connection? If you stick around, you might be able to figure out the difference.