Dating : 4 Lessons Learned From Dating That Strengthened My Marriage

Bad relationships can give you wisdom instead of souring you on dating if you’re willing to learn

I used to be a serial dater.

Before I married, I was in and out of relationships and almost-relationships. My experience ranged from delightful to disastrous and all the gray in between. Yet, this month will mark five years of marriage and commitment with my husband. When we first got married, I thought my dating history would make marriage harder. Would I have a hard time settling down? Would I feel guilty about my choices? Would I find myself stuck in the past? Was I even “wife material?” Looking back, those worries seem small and irrelevant, because marriage is exactly how people describe it — challenging, wonderful, hard, and amazing. Sometimes it’s all of those things in a single day. But despite the questions and fear as a young newlywed, I’m now thankful for what I learned from dating.

Each romantic relationship I’ve endured has helped me grow and been influential in helping me navigate the complexities of marriage. Because I’ve “been around the block”, I treasure and appreciate my relationship with my husband more. When we’re willing to learn from our mistakes — and I made many in my relationships — there’s wisdom we can glean to pass onto others.

So here are a few lessons I’ve learned from dating that helped strengthen my marriage:

A man I’ll call “Jim” and I had been living together for a few months. However, calling it living “together” would be a stretch because the distance between us was tangible. He would come home from work, say “hi,” then wouldn’t speak to me until the next day, even when I had done nothing to upset him. Jim just wasn’t a conversationalist and didn’t want to talk. When I sincerely asked him if something was wrong, and he said no, he meant it.

While he was fine living this way, I wasn’t. The idea of going through life brushing by one another but never connecting, sharing thoughts, ideas, or feelings was suffocating. Even worse would be sharing my emotions and never receiving a response. Thoughts plagued my mind that maybe I was being unreasonable in expecting him to be something he’s not, so I tried to stick it out. But the feelings boiled over and after a long time I confronted him.

When we sat down and I expressed how lonely and isolated I felt, but he showed no interest in adjusting the dynamic. I told him how important communication, curiosity, and interest are to me for a healthy relationship, but it wasn’t motivation enough. We had reached a natural end — one we probably should have reached sooner if I had spoken up earlier.

While my relationship didn’t have a happy ending, it taught me an important lesson about speaking up, sharing my needs, and being heard. In a healthy relationship, when a partner says, “I’m hurting. Something needs to change. Let’s work on this,” their partner listens and responds. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I know I can talk to my husband and say, “I need help. I’m breaking here.” He listens, he cares, and he acts. I do the same for him.

Some relationship issues are so fundamental they can become make or break. Don’t suffer in silence. If something feels amiss, talk to your partner. You can’t expect them to read your mind and grow frustrated if they don’t know. Instead, ask for what you need.

I’ve ended perfectly good relationships for stupid reasons. One would assume most of us break up over big/traumatic issues, but I split over reasons so stupid, so small, and so insignificant I barely remember them. Once, I broke up with a guy because he wasn’t affectionate enough. Then I broke up with a guy because he was too affectionate. I rode the waves of adolescent dating like an emotional roller coaster. I had relational spats over which band is better, where to eat dinner, or who’s driving. What I learned is that you can fight over anything if you want to.

In marriage, you have to learn to let things go. My husband forgets to take out the trash. He doesn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher. He’s never made dinner (seriously). In every marriage, there will be several small transgressions, and you can nitpick each one to death. You can choose to remember every time they did you wrong and linger on inadequacies. Couples can turn a bowl in the sink into a fight. They can turn a week of missed trash take-outs or a pair of expensive shoes into a reason for a divorce. But is it really worth it?

You will hurt each other and let one another down. Each of us has a personal expectation of what a husband or wife should do, what a relationship should look and feel like — and our partner has another idea. But you can also let it go.

I’ve learned instead to pick my battles and focus on the good. Yes, my husband forgets to take out the trash. But he’s an extraordinarily hard worker. So he doesn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher? He manages all the electronics in the house, whereas I don’t. He’s never made dinner. But he’s the best at takeout and always knows exactly what I like. We can be bitter, or we can choose to be thankful and let the little things slide.

It’s a tale as old as time: love is a choice. At the end of the day, every failed relationship was built on a series of choices. The choice to stop fighting. The choice to not forgive. The choice to move on or away. When one of my boyfriends went away to school, we could have continued the relationship long distance. But we walked away. When Jim and I broke up because of a lack of communication, he could have attempted to talk to me, or I could have decided I was comfortable living in silence as long as it was with him. After an awkward first date years ago, I could have given the guy a second chance, but I decided the date would be our last.

Relationships are all about choices. Long-term relationships (like marriage) depend on a series of never-ending choices. When you make a mistake, you can choose to say, “I’m sorry.” When they make a mistake, you choose forgiveness instead of bitterness. When you want to run and hide, you can get dirty, vulnerable, and open up. If things get stale and boring, be intentional about spicing things up.

One evening in particular I’ll never forget. During the middle of a fight, my husband and I started saying hurtful things to one another. After the fight, some jabs replayed again and again in my mind. He really believes that about me. He’s so cruel. But the truth was I had said hurtful things too. I had said them out of desperation, hurt, and to lash out in defense. But I wasn’t the cruel one, I thought. No, not me. And yet, I was more than willing to believe that of him.

This is one of the most important choices: Choose to believe the best about your partner. When sparks fly and I find myself hurt or disappointed, I remind myself this is the man I love. Yes, I may feel hurt, but I also know that he didn’t intend to hurt me. During one argument in particular, I read into my husband’s imagined intentions and accused him of being heartless. He looked at me puzzled and said, “Is that really the type of man you think I am? Do you actually believe I would do something like that?” The hurt in his eyes and his voice spoke volumes.

In relationships there will be miscommunications. Sometimes you get stuck in your head, creating your partner’s thoughts and intentions. He meant to hurt me. Every marriage will have bad days. You’ll lash out, and sometimes we make mistakes. But when I mess up, I want him to believe the best of me. Extend that same courtesy.

Looking back at when Jim and I were living together, though we were around each other often, we never spent time connecting. We didn’t have deep conversations, hang out, or do fun things together. This made me feel deeply unloved. The confusing part was that other aspects of our relationship were going well. He was affectionate, helped around the house, and was kind. So why was I feeling unloved? What was missing?

During my first year of marriage, I learned about love languages. The concept behind love languages is a simple idea. Each of us experience love in different ways, and we value those forms of expression to varying degrees of importance. I wasn’t surprised to learn that my love language is quality time and acts of service, meaning I feel loved when I spend time with people or when they attempt kind gestures like cleaning the house. The lack of quality time missing from my relationship with Jim inevitably made me feel unloved. If I had known about my needs and been able to express them, there’s a possibility things could have changed. Looking back, I wonder if he, too, felt unloved. Did that cause him to withdraw and put us in a vicious cycle of neglect? Had I been speaking his love language or missing it?

The times when I feel most unsure and unconfident about my husband and I’s relational health is always during when things become busy. Examples include times when my husband hasn’t contributed to chores or hasn’t been able to spend much time with me and the kids. In effect, acts of service and quality time. I know the term “love language” may sound kind of cheesy but the concept is simple and effective. Find what makes your partner feel good and realize it may not be something that makes you feel good. It might even be a sacrifice as that’s not a way you’re used to showing love. For instance, a love note or bouquet doesn’t do much for me, but other women revel in gifts because that speaks to their heart. Learn their love language and tell them yours. Make it part of your relationship vocabulary.

Once I discovered my husband’s love language — physical touch — it helped me be more intentional about loving him in a meaningful and impactful way. Even though touch isn’t always on my radar, I know it’s important to him. Whether it’s watching horror movies, playing games, or watching him edit videos, I make an effort to spend time with him and show affection. This simple act alone strengthened and grew our marriage, whereas in the past most of my relationships missed the mark.

It’s important to remember that though past relationships failed, soured, or didn’t work out, each experience can give you a little more wisdom. That wisdom, in turn, can help strengthen your marriage and create one that is built on respect and love.