Dating : 4 things I learned throughout my separation

Being a young 33-year-old woman who has been down the ‘normal’ relationship route, there comes a time in your life when you’ve surpassed all the engagements, all the weddings, all the babies, and you hit a point of separation and divorce in your circle of friends.

Exit days of lavish, excessive, risque hen’s parties, and long-winded bucks weekends that went for days. Enter lies, deceit, debt and emptiness. And although you should be in the prime of your life, those depressing country music lyrics are almost flowing out of you.

Young love. Young, irresponsible, stupid love. When ignorance is bliss, and you only have each other to spend your money on. When you were energetic enough to dance without being prompted from Thursday to Sunday. When 10 am hangover yum cha and sex is your regular Sunday morning. Oh, the memories.

It seems so long ago now. Fifteen years + one wedding + three children + one external kiss + two hurt, dysfunctional communicators = one separation. And although you still love and respect each other, in some circumstances no matter how hard you try, love just isn’t enough.

I’ve seen this across so many friends and acquaintances at our ripe young age of 30 something. And the crazy thing is — the separation is amicable at the start, but once those words come out of your mouth, they pave the way for a red hot strip of fire that leads to relationship Shitsville — where any chance of reserving respect or friendship goes to die. And not the nice, romantic, fleeting, floating ember fires, where it’s comforting to watch and be a part of. I’m talking about the ravishingly devastating all-consuming fires where you can’t breathe and you never know which way the wind is going to take it. You’re both on high alert at all times, ready to hose down any sparks that come your way.

What is it that changes so much at that moment? “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” “This isn’t working”. I can understand the person receiving the news can be shocked, angry, hurt, sad. But the deciding party? Well, it’s like everything they’ve ever held back over the years finally comes out. The release of letting go, saying what’s needed to be said for what feels like almost eternity. And all of a sudden, all the years of beautiful love and affection have been barrelled over, kicked in the face, stomped on and dragged along the concrete until they are unrecognizable.

Throughout my separation, I learned a few key lessons.

1. You can only control yourself. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I wish I learned it during my marriage rather than after it. Unfortunately, you can be as neighborly and polite as you want, but you never know how the other person is going to react. And the really scary thing is — you’ve been together for so long, you think you know them — but you don’t. These types of situations bring unpredictability, but it’s important to remember you have no responsibility for other people’s actions or reactions. Hold. It. Down.

2. Take care of your mind. It’s so easy to get caught up and dragged into daily shit shows. And as much as you want to control every situation, unless you’re Harley Quinn and can hold it down, you are inevitably going to feel stressed, exhausted and frustrated. My advice? Work out. Find a gym where you can sweat it out, and have friendly banter at the same time. 5 am sessions saved my mood for most of the morning, most days.

3. Things will get worse before they get better. It’s easy to slip into a false sense of security when things have been relatively easy for 27 minutes. That won’t last, it does not last, be prepared for the neurosis because it’s coming at you tenfold. One minute you’re screaming through a bit knuckle, the next minute you’re fending him off because he wants to have sex with you. Just, be prepared and on your game. Always.

4. People care. I made the mistake of shutting out the closest people around me. I didn’t want to be judged or looked down on, and I certainly didn’t want to burden them with my issues. I wanted to prove that since this is what I decided, I could handle it on my own. I didn’t realize that by doing that, I was hurting my nearest and dearest. They just wanted to spend time with me and know that I was OK, but I was so fearful of letting people down. Once I got over that, I felt incredibly supported.

Overall, separating is never easy, and it’s especially difficult to navigate through when you’re a first-timer. It doesn’t matter how much you prepare and execute, you’ll always feel like you’ve failed — it’s just the nature of the beast. But understanding who you are, the steps of the process, and taking care of yourself will allow you to channel your strength. And always remember — it’s only temporary. None of this is permanent.