Dating : 4 Things You Need to Know About Insecure Attachment

#4. Dating more people won’t solve anything.

“Why do I need to change? I’ve been through enough!”

This is a common reaction from people who have learned about their insecure attachment issues. I used to feel the same too. I was pissed off at my parents for moulding me into an anxious and insecure person.

As an adult, I couldn’t hold down a relationship to save my life. I struggled with anxious-avoidant attachment for years. My moods and behaviours were so turbulent I’d drive people away, whilet trying to cling onto them for dear life.

It’s not a fun way to live, and I played the victim for a long time before I worked on my baggage. Having overcome insecure attachment in the past few years, these are the 4 honest lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Ever met someone and projected your fantasies all over them? I sure as heck have, many times.

When you’re struggling with insecure attachment, it can be easy to put others on a pedestal. When they do something that goes against what we ‘wanted’ from them, shit hits the fan.

It turns out they’re only human.

Those with an avoidant or anxious-avoidant attachment may tend to nitpick at their partners after a while — I know because I was this person.

Why?

It’s a subconscious defence mechanism created by the brain to keep them safe from being hurt. Looking for flaws in others is a way of bailing before you get too close.

When you work through your baggage, it becomes easier to allow people to be themselves. Your trauma doesn’t get in the way of you accepting them for who they are (and vice versa!)

And this familiarity stems from your earliest relationship — the one you had with your parents/caregivers when you were a child.

Did you have a happy, stable and secure childhood?

“Yep, my parents worked hard! There was always food on the table and a roof over my head.”

Nope, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about emotional security, affection and love.

Growing up, I had everything I wanted — except emotional security. My parents separated when I was young. I was riddled with anxiety as a child, and as an adult, I gravitated towards emotionally avoidant partners.

If you had a similar experience, you might subconsciously flock towards relationships that are chaotic or emotionally charged. You subconsciously replicate your childhood patterns because it’s familiar to you.

I know because I was a serial dater. I oozed desperation because I wanted someone to love me. I practically lived on Tinder, swiping left-right and everything else in between.

The more people I dated, the more my attachment issues bubbled up every time. After a while, people either start blaming everyone else, or they start asking themselves “shit, is it me?”

Writer Nicolas Cole rightly said,

“Once you see a pattern repeat itself several times, you better believe it will continue to repeat itself until you acknowledge “the root of the root.””

At the beginning of my healing journey, I started journaling, seeing a therapist, and meditating to help increase my awareness.

The more you start exploring where your patterns come from, you can begin to free yourself. When you start changing, your relationships change for the better too.

I’d be a multi-millionaire for the number of times people have flung these statements at me about this.

• Nope. I’m doomed to have this insecure attachment style forever!
• Having to change my attachment style to secure implies there’s something wrong with me — how dare you!
• I’ve been through enough shit; everyone else needs to change, not me!

I’m here to call a BS on these statements because I used to sling them around too. I was angry at the world for hurting me, so I get it. When you’re hurt, you struggle to see how life could be different.

But there are plenty of people out there who have become securely attached — myself included.

How?

They did the work, whether it was through therapy or on their own. They flipped their painful past into a positive (as best as possible.) They made it into a story they could learn from, not continue to suffer from.

I’ll leave you with this quote by psychologist Benjamin Hardy,

“People use the past as the excuse to remain stuck in habits and attitudes that keep them from growing.”

So, what will you start doing differently today?