Dating : 5 Things I Wish I’d Known Before Dating My Friend

I’m someone who cares so much about what other people think. To the extent I let it dictate my major life decisions. So when I felt my friends building walls between us, I immediately picked up on it.

When in actual fact it was because they had decided to take my ex’s “side” after I broke up with them.

What they didn’t realise was the act of favouring one friend over another, despite their attempts so to show emotional support, makes the other believe they have done something terribly wrong.

I mean, I was their friend too, wasn’t I?

Luckily, the rejection I felt from some of our mutual friends around the time of the breakup was shortlived because I had built a fairly strong foundation of friends I could call my friends.

Put simply, these are the friends who I knew before the relationship and the ones with relatively close bonds before feelings for my now ex ever popped into view.

I see this like setting out an array of safety nets and pillow mountains as you climb a ladder. As you ascend a few steps higher, you drop an extra pillow or tighten a knot. Why? Because you know every step is one closer to a more painful landing.

Why was this important for me to do?

Well, at the time, I needed to know I could be seen by my peers for who I was as an individual and not for my recent relationship decisions. I returned to those connections I’d made based on my own merit, who shared interests nowhere near the realms of relationships. They allowed me to nurture the guilt I felt for my part in the breakup.

It was at this point I realised I didn’t need to feel guilty.

And neither do you.

There’s no reason why these friends can’t swim in the same circles as your ex. Just as long as you feel 100% certain these friends are more friends with you than they are with your association with your ex.

As it often happens in life, we experiment. Sometimes we hit that “Eureka!” and our efforts are validated by glorious rewards. But other times there’s nothing much else to do but to accept the experiment has failed and try to move on.

Being seen as “X’s ex” to your once close-knit group of mutual friends is one such result.

Even though no one said it to my face, when I started dating my friend, I was always seen as “X’s girlfriend.” I could sometimes overhear people around me say it at gatherings.

I usually see this as a sign they don’t know me well enough to recall any other redeemable qualities. But over time, those same people who once called me “X’s girlfriend” started to use my name. Our mutual friend group grew and bloomed into a beautiful bouquet, which we oftentimes all enjoyed together.

But this quickly changed after the breakup.

I really didn’t expect it to either. It felt like I’d stepped right onto a big old snake head and was right back to square one after an almost 2 year relationship. Except now I’d be known as “X’s ex”.

I didn’t let it bother me too much. Sometimes your desire to spend time with them dampens naturally. You come to realise your friendship was one of mere proximity. And the thread of your friendship is unpicking itself before your eyes.

That’s what happened to me. It’s been close to 2 years since the breakup and many of those friendships have run their course. I’ve grown to accept it.

I’ve learned not to desparately crave eternal sunshine: it doesn’t stop the night.

And, no, not a pickled kind, or one that’s been left in the sun for too long. I’m talking about embodying the mental attitude of a consistently cool “just from the fridge” cucumber.

If I had a penny for every time I’ve tunneled through relationships without evoking the life-changing magic of remaining calm under stress, just like a cucumber would, I’d have enough money to… well… probably buy myself an inexpensive cocktail to put it in.

Once your friend becomes your ex, becoming a cucumber can help you contend with certain heat and hostilities, which are oftentimes sudden and unexpected.

I was fortunate enough not to experience it from our mutual friends. But around the same time, I’d merged into another group made up of rather close friends. And I could only compare the experience to climbing out of a slightly uncomfortable lake and diving head first into a shark tank.

You needed to know what to say and how to say it to avoid gossip, certain people “reporting back” to others you had spoken about in their absence. Which would sometimes even be shared in a “notice board” type fashion on Facebook Messenger groups.

Yes. 20-somethings like this do exist. And, unfortunately, I got sucked into a world where my life had become their own, low-grade Eastenders.