h2>Dating : 5 tips on navigating online dating
Elaine Welteroth mentioned in a chapter of her memoir that to go about dating is to treat it like gardening. You plant the most promising seeds (selection/swipe-right’s). You water them all evenly (communication/interaction). You be sure to get a taste of what each plant proposes (multi-dating/testing waters). And then when you discern the golden plant — the one that produces nourishing fruit that you could eat every single day as it feeds your soul in many, many ways — you water that one a little more than the rest (bingo). Oh, the rest? You begin weedin’ em out (don’t ghost, simply: ‘I met someone’, them). What Welteroth wouldn’t have guessed, however, that the online dating scene would become such a huge garden of seeds ready to be watered by literally anybody, anywhere at any. given. moment. Pressure? Questions? Maybe.
Which is why as a twenty-something, black woman navigating the dating scene on and off for about five years — having been on various dates, involved in a couple situationships, befriended a few decent now male friends, and experienced two long-term relationships (one being my first ever relationship) — here are my opinionated tips on how to navigate the dreaded, often sexualised garden of online dating. Shovels at the ready, everyone?!
- Expectations
If there’s one thing I have learnt from my entire online dating experience, it would be that it’s not to have noexpectations, but to simply have reasonable expectations. There are people on these apps to simply and solely have sex. And you can post your most modest photos, have bible scriptures in your bio, shit, you can put: NOT LOOKING FOR SEX as your name, but some people will still find a way to sexualise you because of their intentions for online dating. And I get it. Do you, babe. But the easiest advice I can give to nipping such predators in the bud of their quest, would be to pay attention to their use of language as well as what their focus is on:
Are they using provocative words? Are they over-complimenting your shape, or size, or lips? Is where you live and whether you live alone or if you drive, the first thing they want to know? Are they asking for your snapchat because they, ‘don’t come on here much and its easier on there’? What’s easier on there? Nudes? Cool.
2. Confidence
I’m not saying skip around acting like your shit doesn’t stink, no, that’s arrogance — and frankly — unattractive. But simply, be confident:
Walk in the beauty that you have by uploading your prettiest but most interesting photos, just poking curiosity out of someone to ask, ‘woah, where was that?’; share the thoughts and mind-wandering ideas that are twirling around in your head through stimulating conversation; identify your special and uniqueness as an individual in attempt to inspire the other person to feel safe enough to share their uniqueness with you. Confidence is sexy. Vulnerability is sexier. And people sense that shit. It’s also a way of means of attracting a man (or woman) secure enough to appreciate such a quality while nit-picking those who, well…don’t so much.
Two birds with one stone, right?
3. Respect
With such pressure to withhold the attention span of an individual who literally has ‘more compatible’ options by the flick of a finger, it can make you feel like you need to let loose a bit to keep em’. Let your freak side show and all that jazz. But if that isn’t what you’re after, then please stick to your guns and trust that if they walked away during your simplified explanation as to why you aren’t on there for a quick fuck, then you walked away from a 98.9% chance of crying in the carpark a couple weeks later when you noticed they still hadn’t texted you back.
The main goal in life, let alone dating apps, is to be able to say: ‘damn, I’m in control of this shit’ or, ‘damn, no one can make me cry right now!’
4. Take breaks
It can be tiresome, emotionally draining, your brain and some of your IQ wilting like a balloon losing all of its helium as it spirals around the room letting out a flapping noise during its deflation. I get it. I too revealed the whites of my eyes when a familiar type of conversation welcomes you shortly after a ping alerting you of your new match, and despite your question-probing bio giving the person plenty of things to start the conversation with, they choose to be basic anyway:
“Hey”
“Hey :)”
“How are you?”
Blegh.
I get it. I really do. Advice? Breath, and take a break. Because if you’re at this point^^^ you’re tired.
I often found myself downloading a dating app, sticking around for a couple of weeks, and as soon as I sourced one or two ideal, non-sexualising prospects, I’d delete it. But there were also times where I’d let it consume me and that would force me to delete it, too. Your head feels heavy and that’s when you know it’s no longer healthy. And more importantly, a distraction. And so, when/if you get to a stage where you find yourself up at ridiculous hours swiping like a zombie because of your picky taste, or replying back to peoples soul-draining, mentally exhausting conversations just because, it’s time to delete and return back to your real world. And you can always go back. Re-download at a more mentally vitalised time.
But taking a break via. deletion and enjoying your human-like hobbies again are a way to restore those brain cells and refocus on other important things.
For me, it would be writing, reading, Harry Potter back to back, and dancing that’d usually kick me back into shape, what are yours?
5. Single!
I know it’s a semi contradiction to say enjoy being single despite looking for ways not to be, but multi-dating/gardening/online dating are some of the greatest parts of being single.
In many ways, we find ourselves most through experiences, challenges, other people, and how we react to things. And so when we meet new people, were welcoming their experience and their world into ours. Some withhold similar experiences to our own, hence the connection, but some withhold completely different experiences that we may want to try, despise, cringe over, or experience with them — thus online dating. And online dating is a great space to discover such experiences and people because people are ever unique, and often, intrigued to explore your experience, too.
And so, until you find your soul-mate, the yin to your yang, the yolk to your egg white, the chocolate to your spread, exploring the garden of online dating and experiencing people and their experiences as much as you can, is a great way to enjoy your singlehood, discover the do’s and dont’s of what you like, are into, or want while you’re still able, and simply, take control.
Online dating can be fun if you let it. Teaching, too. Depressing and addictive sometimes, but only if you let it. What do you think?
