Dating : 8 Habits That Can Damage Your Relationship

8. Focusing on the bad, instead of the good.

There are obvious ways to ruin your relationship. Like cheating, for instance. Sleep with someone else, and I can’t promise you’ll have a partner the next day.

But there are also little habits that aren’t so obvious. Ones that build up and ultimately push your partner away from you.

I’ve experienced a few of them. Ones I didn’t realize I did until the other person started talking about breaking up or when it was overall too late.

But luckily, being aware of any habits you have that are pushing your partner away can be a cause for change. You don’t have to continue down this road (which means your relationship isn’t doomed).

Because engaging in these habits that are ruining your relationship doesn’t make you a bad person. You most likely picked them up from your past as a means of survival. But it’s time to admit they’re no longer serving you.

Once you’re aware of the relationship-destroying habits that exist, you can choose a different path to go down, which will lead to a better future.

“Apologizing does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.”

— Unknown

I once had a friend that, more than once, said, “yea, I’m always right. But that’s from observation. I just always know the answers. I’ve never been wrong.” I cringe imagining what it would be like to be his girlfriend.

I hope I’m not the first to tell you this, but no one is always right.

Sometimes, you’ll be wrong. Other times, it really won’t matter who is right.

When you feel like you always need to be right, you’re letting your ego drive your decisions. A relationship isn’t the place to have your ego fed. Needing to be right will make your partner feel distanced from you or like you don’t respect their opinion.

For the sake of both your egos, take the fall sometimes. Let your partner “win” an argument and experience what it’s like to be wrong. Better yet? Avoid an argument altogether when it’s a superficial “who knows best” match.

It’s more damaging to your relationship than it’s worth.

First, let’s talk about what healthy boundaries look like:

• Wanting respect from your partner.
• Not having people cancel on you last minute.
• Emotional and physical safety.
• Speaking up about your opinions and needs.

When you aren’t able to have clear boundaries, things tend to go south.

I once dated a guy in college who I thought was my soulmate. I was young and didn’t know better, so I focused on the good feelings and let the relationship consume me.

But once I realized my boyfriend treated me badly, I felt lost. I didn’t know how to create boundaries, and, at that point, it felt too late. I became more and more unhappy in our relationship until it ultimately ended.

Boundaries and speaking up when they’re crossed are crucial for creating a relationship where your needs are met, and your feelings are respected. Boundaries aren’t meant to keep people out, they’re meant to keep you happy.

Unlike boundaries, not wanting to rock the boat means keeping quiet about conversations that could help your relationship grow.

Say, your boyfriend texts on his phone, 24/7. You eat dinner in silence because he’s scrolling Reddit. Whenever you talk about your hard day, you have half his attention.

But instead of speaking up about how his texting habit makes you feel, you stay silent.

Many people are afraid to rock the boat because they experienced bad outcomes from other times they spoke up, or they’re in a relationship they don’t care enough about.

Whatever the reason is, you’ll eventually grow to resent your partner. That might look like blowing up on them one day or ending the relationship. So why not get used to rocking the boat now?

If you’re in a relationship you want to last, it’ll do you both good to talk about what’s on your mind, when concerns come up.

“Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love — you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.”

— Eckhart Tolle

It’s OK if you’re not runway model confident. In fact, even the most successful models in the world have insecurities.

But what won’t do your relationship any good is always looking for compliments and reassurance from your partner. Sure, cherry-picking every now and then won’t be the demise to your relationship, but you’ll never feel fulfilled from your partner’s words because of one reason:

When we seek validation from others, we’re allowing our sense of worth to ride on another person’s reaction. That’s a pretty unstable place to let your value reside.

Instead, you’re better off working on building love and validation from yourself. Doing things like seeing your friends, pursuing hobbies you love, and making plans to achieve your life goals are better parts of your life to refocus your attention on.

One day, you’ll get to a point where you don’t need your partner’s compliments; they’ll just be a cherry on top of the self-love you already have.

Going back to the boyfriend I had in college: I picked up a nasty habit from him.

He worked as an actor/model and felt insecure about his looks. When we got into our relationship, he began criticizing the way I looked.

“I deserve to date someone who looks like the models I work with,” he’d say.

To defend myself, I’d be say something mean right back to him.

Fast forward to today and it was hard to admit to myself that I don’t always say the nicest things to my partner. While I’m not obviously malicious, I make jokes that are at his expense.

But we’ve both had a conversation about it, and I work on this habit. I know that if I didn’t, it would affect the love my boyfriend and I have for each other. And worse, it could start to affect my boyfriend’s feelings.

Something I never want to put my partner through.

“In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows.”

— Unknown

Communication will make or break your relationship. It’s that simple.

You need honesty and trust to be able to make a relationship work.

When you lie to your partner, even if it’s a small lie, you’re building up a wall between you. You’re saying there’s a reason to not tell them about something, and that reason usually isn’t good.

When you keep your feelings to yourself, you’re not creating the space for your relationship to grow. No couple is going to be perfect. But working through your issues is what makes a stronger bond between you. By not speaking up or being passive-aggressive, you’re driving a wedge between you two.

Sometimes it can be scary to communicate honestly to the person you love, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Have you ever heard of putting someone on a pedestal?

Essentially, it’s when one person thinks the other person is better than them. Other phrases like “they’re out of my league” convey the same idea.

But when you idealize your partner, you’re just seeing them as an illusion. Every person has their flaws. Holding them up to a standard that you’ve created inside your mind means that one day, they’re going to disappoint you.

And that’s not fair.

You both can decide to break up. You both have the power to create a thriving relationship. No one is above the other person. A couple is a team.

While admiration for your partner is definitely encouraged, don’t act like they’re sent from heaven.

I’m sure your partner is great, just don’t put them on a pedestal.

Dan Sullivan, a coach for entrepreneurs, found that his clients determined their success in two different ways. And depending on which mindset they had, his clients were either happy or unhappy.

The difference was that some people focused on how much they didn’t have in their careers. The other ones focused on how much they gained since they began.

Can you guess which of Dan’s clients were happier?

In your relationship, if you’re always focused on what’s missing or what can go wrong, you can’t possibly be happy. Your partner will start to pick up on that energy or hear you complain, and they’ll feel like the relationship isn’t doing as well as they thought.

If you’re not happy in a relationship to the point that you don’t want to be in it, then break up.

But if you have a negative attitude because of your mindset, it’s time to change it.

If you stop and think about all the things you love about your partner, I’m sure you’d admit you don’t want things to end. In fact, just thinking about the positives will open your eyes to how strong of a grip your mindset has on you.

Instead of letting the bad thoughts warp how you view your relationship, think of all the things you love about your partner. If it helps, write them down.

Remind yourself, all the time, of what you’ve gained from having your partner in your life.