Dating : “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon Mclaughlin

The American Dream is the standard of financial and social success in this country. The ideal creates preconceived notions on the way that one’s life should be lived and negatively affects a person’s view of themselves and their personal relationships if not fulfilled. One of the concepts this “dream” has taken a detrimental toll on is marriage. A concept primarily created to unite two people who are in love has become more of a union of two people trying to fill a void of societal acceptance. The deterioration of marital values has caused an increase in the separation of married couples. In 2017 the CDC reported that 827,261 marriages ended in divorce. Though, contrary to the plummeting rate of meaningful marriages in America, I interviewed a couple that has been married for twenty-two years and discussed their views on marriage.

After a short Sunday shift at work, I parked my car in my driveway and proceeded to walk through my front door. As I entered, the delicious aroma of my grandmother’s Sunday dinner, cornbread, collard greens, steak, and mashed potatoes filled my nose. I removed my shoes as I always do upon entering this house my family and I have called home for the last 15 years. I walked in and gave each of my grandparent’s a hug, made a plate, and sat in my favorite chair in front of the warm fireplace.

“Are you guys ready to be interviewed?” I called to my grandparents. My grandmother came in first with her long, brown hair following behind her as she approached me with the sweetest grin on her full brown face. My grandfather came in shortly after and stood next to his wife, towering over her, and rubbing his small pot belly while stuffing his brown, grey hair covered face with cornbread. They sat down next to each other and we began the interview.

“In 2017, the CDC reported about 827,000 divorces. Do you believe the ideal of the American Dream factored in to any part of that?” I asked.

She thought for a second, stroking her hair and then Granny started, “I think folks get married for many of the wrong reasons and living up to a standard is one, yes. You will never stay happy that way though, getting married just because you feel like you’re supposed to. That’s not what marriage is about.”

“What is marriage about?” I rebutted.

“Marriage is about love and understanding. It’s about God bringing someone into your life that you love living with and can’t stand to live without. You have family and you have friends in life that know you, love you, and understand you but a husband or wife is someone who really gets you. You just feel like you added a piece to yourself that was always supposed to be there but you never knew until you found it. It’s not some concept you teach your children that’s essential to happiness, it’s a choice. A choice you make to add to your happiness and fulfilment in life not create it.” (interview, 2018).

“So, what exactly has the American Dream turned marriage into?”

“It’s become more of an idealistic sense of happiness. Some people just get married for the status, hell, some people even get married for the taxes. More commonly these days, people have kids and feel like they absolutely have to get married because that’s what families do according to America. I’ve even met people who got married just so they wouldn’t be the only person in their circle that’s still single. The American Dream is a false dream, life is not one size fit all. Everyone isn’t supposed to live the same exact life and these concepts aren’t required to live a dream or be successful. Success in life is personal. You have to create your own goals and list of fulfilments. Instead, society gives us a list of what’s required to live a full life so people begin to feel empty when they look at all the boxes left unchecked on their American Dream list.” Grandpa added to the conversation in a deep but soothing tone.

Shaking her head yes in agreeance Granny began, “I agree. It almost feels like some people I work with have staged lives, husbands, and wives. Their happiness seems more forced than natural because they don’t truly feel content with the life they’ve chosen but they feel like they’re supposed to. The American Dream has turned marriage into more of something you do out of obligation than love.”

“Why did you two get married?”

Smiling at her husband then looking back at me, my grandmother replied, “I said yes to marrying him because there wasn’t anyone in this world I wanted to say no for, not even myself. I knew marriage was something I wanted since a little girl, of course, but it wasn’t something I’d say I necessarily pursued. When I met him, I blew him off, of course. I was young, skinny, fine, and my afro was SHAPED.” She chuckled then continued with a grin, “but after all the chasing he did, I finally slowed down for him and once I got to know him we moved at a pace that made time stand still and we still do. Twenty-two years doesn’t seem like long enough, I could live twenty-two more lifetimes with him, that’s how I know. And when you know, you know. I married him because I loved him and I knew I always would.”

“She married me for my money, don’t let her tell you stories.” Grandpa said tauntingly while giving Granny a quick kiss on the cheek and then continuing, “No, I married her because after years of being a player she really sat me down. I mean, there were women I liked, maybe even loved a few but I never loved anyone the way I loved her. I never thought about marriage growing up or even being in love but once I really got to know her, I thought about those things frequently. She just wasn’t something I could see myself giving up, from the afro to the personality. She was it and she still is this very day. Twenty-two years later and for as long as the good Lord allows me to walk this Earth” (interview, 2018)

My grandparents are an example of the purity behind marriage when two people decide to marry for the right reasons. True love still exists and marriages have a better chance of surviving off of it rather than the feeling of obligation to fill a standard. Although, society has devalued the concept of marriage, knowledge of the true meaning behind the union can inspire the population to change their perspective on finding a spouse and the American Dream overall. Instead of living by one standard, Americans can begin to create individual standards of happiness, love, and success bringing a much more genuine sense of fulfilment to life overall.