Dating : abort.

Readers of my work know that I am in love with my soulmate. While this individual is in a relationship and I am waiting as the gods commanded, I have been taking the time to reflect on my personal ideas about what makes a relationship and being romantic with anyone again. In order to acknowledge this pending god touch relationship, I needed to accept that I am in love with a man. And that makes sex, something that I have been reluctant to do for emotional reasons, difficult in a way that I don’t need to worry about with women. I had to think about having children again. So let’s talk about abortion in this essay.

I love children in theory. We need kids to create new worlds and to perpetuate the global community. But I was a kid when I made a vow not to add children to this world. It started off innocently enough, I was a child being bullied by other children and I lashed out. I would not create or add to a community that made me feel bad. My mother vowed I would change that and her words made me reinforce my own emotional stance.

As I got older, wanting children became more of a financial burden that I did not want to afford. But there was also the demand that I spread my legs for a condomless penis. I have been told that both parties enjoy sex in this fashion but I was not keen on taking the risk. So I doubled down on my rejection of kids. I shall not want men nor kids. It was fixed standard in a sense. I moved in my bisexuality to the lesbian community. In that space, I am considered a goldstar lesbian based on the fact I was untouched by any male. It is odd that through lesbians I was introduced to a lot of toxic masculinity. While I did not need to worry about getting pregnant, I still had to have talks about not wanting kids on multiple occasions.

I got tired of it. But I never examined it. I made a vow and planned on sticking to it. Then tsunami hit. And the love I have been destined for wants kids. I had to think about it. So I am thinking about it.

As a single person, I do not want children. It is not something that will make my personal life better and it is not how I personally want to leave the world. Kids to me don’t shout I exist. They are not my idea of my greatest accomplishment. That will be other things that I create and leave. I think of my sun child who thinks of children as the greatest expression of a relationship and I can kind of accept that but I would not force that expectation on my child since it would make the child a kind of a catch all for what is wrong in the relationship so I can not adopt that thought process. Add to my single status, the amount of student loan debt, and my disinterest in being forced to stay in an unhealthy job for someone else, I am not having children as an extension of myself. I want to have kids with my soulmate and that is a different thought process. Raising a child with someone who wants to work with me, I will gladly be a parent to my child to be. I don’t want the child to be the glue of the relationship so much as I want to help create a great adult with my soulmate. And that is all it took for me to go from no children to maybe I want to carry a baby. I needed my soulmate to exist to make me consider it.

I think if we had started our relationship when we met, I would have gladly had unprotected sex with the person I love. And through that act, a child would have been seeded. I would have deleted it. And he would’ve never forgiven me. Because he wants to have our baby. I would have burned the relationship before it became a relationship. That would have ruined so many things than him running into the arms of another lady.

So today, I want to have a baby with tsunami. I like to think that we will raise a great family. It is a god touched relationship and together, we can be amazing. With tsunami, I want to try anyway.