Dating : Anxious Attachment Style: How to Stop Letting Toxic People Ruin Your Life

The first, hardest, most influential, and time-consuming step on my journey of recovery was to uncover and acknowledge that I was suffering from an unhealthy attachment style. It took until my late twenties to figure this out.

Today I would suggest to anyone who wants to explore this topic to take this test as a starting point. It can help to determine your attachment style and learn about how it is affecting your relationship.

1. Educate yourself.

I read and learned a lot about the attachment styles theory and my attachment type. Knowledge is power, and it took me one step further to understanding myself, my trauma, and the underlying mechanisms.

There are a lot of sources to start with, from Wikipedia to books like “Attached” by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller to the podcasts of relationship expert Ester Pherel.

2. Take an honest look into the mirror without shying away.

I realized and admitted to myself that I had a problem. But this problem was not that I was a terrible or stupid person, or that I was not worthy of love, or whatever negative things were buzzing around inside my head.

My challenge was that I always ended up with the wrong people. And the reason for that was rooted in my past. I worked hard on making myself aware of this until I finally believed it; until I was ready to do something about it.

I endured the pain this caused me. I even actively engaged in it and got curious about my motivations, fears and patterns. I got to know myself and how I tick.

3. Open up and use language as a catalyst.

If I were to be back in that situation again, I hope I would reach out to an empathetic therapist during my deepest phases of suffering.

But I wasn’t able to do that back then. Instead, I started to journal, writing about my feelings, my patterns and my pain. I used journaling to analyze my inner dialogue, and it helped immensely. Without it, I might have never started actually to talk about it with strangers in bars and later on with the few persons I still trusted.

I also started to meditate. In the beginning, I only sat down for a few precious minutes a day. But it helped me to focus, train awareness and get to know myself better and better.

Occasionally I read old journal entries to remind myself how far I had come. That realization always energized me and kept me going.

4. Set and preserve boundaries.

“Sometimes you just have to be done. Not mad. Not upset. Just done.”

I implemented and kept my distance from toxic people and those who fueled my trauma with their own insecurities and pain.

I set boundaries and cleaned up. That was incredibly hard because the people who had the most toxic influence on my wellbeing were the ones closest to me. But the drama I experienced with them drained my energy continuously.

I learned to say “no” and prioritize my needs without feeling guilty. I also accepted the consequences of making myself a priority.

This step was not easy. But I could no longer entertain and endure the people who cemented my unsafe attachment style further with their behaviour.

At that point, I knew I could not heal if I would hold on too tight to such relationships. I could not get better whilst fearing to lose someone that I needed to let go of in order to healing myself.

5. Dive deeper into one’s self.

I sought the loneliness and learned to be comfortable with it. I started to look for who I was underneath the trauma, for what was important to me.

I took my time with new relationships. It’s easier to learn to surf alone than with a second person on the board. In return, the connections I make today are much more enjoyable and robust.

But I had to set strict rules for the transition time and omitted from relationships with a significant other until I felt completely secure.

6. Keep pushing through the loneliness.

I kept pushing, even if I felt desperately alone. But I knew I could not give up. Instead, I acknowledged and clung to the little wins and changes that happened over time.

Life is about learning, so I got up again. My injuries took a long time to heal, and some scars will never fade completely. But one day, I knew that I didn’t have to try and work hard on myself anymore. One day I was confident that had attained what I believe a secure attachment style felt like and knew I would never get myself into such BS relationships and situations ever again.

From that day on, I was able to look back and even be glad about some experiences I made. They are an essential part of what made me the seldom wavering, self-assured, and calm person that I am today.

Or, as Meghan Laslocky frames this experience: “My sense is that for those attempting to upgrade their attachment style from insecure to secure, it is, as the saying goes, just like riding a bike: Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Over time you can still challenge yourself to become a “better biker” — a stronger one, a faster one, a more agile one — but once you’ve mastered looking ahead and pedaling at the same time, you are forever good to go.”