Dating : Beautiful Creatures; Grotesque Reality: the Shallow World of Narcissism

Most people are familiar with the myth of Narcissus, an excruciatingly vain and hauntingly beautiful man who fell deeply, irrevocably and hopelessly in love with himself. Less people are aware of Echo: the devoted, nature-loving forest nymph whose unrequited love for Narcissus caused her to wither away into emaciation, until her “lovely features wasted away” and her flesh atrophied, while nothing but a faint echo remained.

According to Ovid’s myth (from his collection, Metamorphoses), Narcissus harshly shunned Echo by snarling, “Hands off! I would rather die than have your hands caress me!”. It was not only Echo who received the brunt of his sharp tongue, but several other forest nymphs too, for he did not believe any of them to be worthy of his desire and affection.

“Alas, this fatal image wins my love”

Nemesis, the goddess of Revenge, sought to punish Narcissus for his ruthless vanity. One day, after hunting, he discovered a silver fountain, where he peered at his alluring reflection. Oblivious to the truth that he was gazing at his own face, he instantaneously fell into a frenzy of love and desire. His affections could never be returned, and out of desperation, he sighed, “Alas, this fatal image wins my love, as I behold it. But I cannot press my arms around the form I see”. Consumed by his self-obsession, he too, withered away, while his prized beauty faded. A flower grew in the exact spot that he perished.

A beautiful and fragile flower, to be admired by others, but incapable of returning love.

An infatuation with oneself

Although Ovid composed Metamorphoses over two thousand years ago, the intriguing (albeit dramatic) tale of shallow love offers insightful cognizance of the depths of the human psyche, still relevant today. A narcissist is defined by Merriam-Webster as the following: “[one who is] extremely self-centred with an exaggerated sense of self-importance: marked by or characteristic of excessive admiration of or infatuation with oneself.” This word is often casually thrown around to describe people who are overly confident, those who harbour excessive selfie-posting habits, or those who behave as if they are a ‘cut above the rest’.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

However, the actual psychological disorder is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. NPD includes the inflated sense of self-importance, alongside a lack of empathy and a constant need for admiration, attention and validation, and abnormal fantasies of success and power. Someone with NPD also has no qualms with using and manipulating others for their own benefit. They believe that they are entitled to special treatment and will do whatever it takes, to ensure that their elevated self-image is preserved. This often results in traumatic, superficial and dysfunctional relationships.

Who enchants the narcissist (besides him or herself)?

Although the narcissist may be drawn to talented and successful people (people who will make them look impressive, in society’s eyes), or anyone who will reflect well with their self-image, it is also the kind, gentle and forgiving individuals that magnetise them. According to psychotherapist Karen Arluck, it is those who give them praise or attention, or those who endlessly forgive them for their abuse, that the narcissist perceives as suitable ‘relationship material’.

The connection between the ‘empath’ and the narcissist

An empathetic person often believes that their love will help or inspire change within the narcissist, and tries to love more profusely, while the narcissist thrives off of the validation and special attention from the ‘empath’. Clinical psychologist Dr Shefali Tsabury maintains that the narcissist will feed off of the empath’s generosity and lack of boundaries.

Like Echo, the empath will often waste away emotionally, and feel drained; their needs are seldom met in this parasitically one-dimensional relationship. The narcissist may merely feel bored or indifferent to this pain, and casually migrate to the next option, or continue to emotionally extort, overpower and dominate the empath. The empath must first acknowledge these issues, before taking the necessary next steps (such as seeking therapy or leaving the relationship altogether). Trauma bonds and codependency may arise from this dysfunctional union, so inner work is often necessary for both parties.

The monstrous reality

Like Narcissus, such a deep sense of self-absorption will wreak havoc on the narcissist, too. Stable, long-term, authentic and deeply loving relationships are not likely to be constructed, and the narcissist’s fragile wounds will be easily triggered, due to their disdain towards criticism, boundaries, judgements and being challenged. They may even enter fits of narcissistic rage (intense anger, when something threatens the narcissist’s self-esteem).

“[They] develop a false sense of superiority as a way to cope with their inner pain” — Dr. Shefali Tsabury

However, there is a crucial fork in the road, in which the conventional narcissist may depart from the mythological Narcissus. While Narcissus was deeply vain, intrinsically arrogant and genuinely believed himself to be superior to all other mortals, a narcissist is actually, deep down, according to Tsabury… the opposite. A narcissist is usually someone who is deeply insecure, and, according to Tsabury, “Narcissism originates in the child who has not learned to truly value themselves. [They] develop a false sense of superiority as a way to cope with their inner pain”. Their inner self is wounded and feels unworthy, and the image that they project to the world is merely a flimsy façade.

Tsabury also advises us all to reflect on our own ‘inner narcissists’ — that is, the part of you, that perhaps, subscribes to the belief that you are MORE special, important or worthy, than others.

The rise of narcissism

Ovid’s myth pertains relevancy due to the reality that narcissism may very well be on the rise, according to psychology professor Jean Twenge, PhD. Twenge analysed data from 85 studies and noted that there was a substantial increase in narcissistic scores, in college students, from 1982 to 2006, while a follow-up study noted additional increases in these scores throughout the year 2008.

Social media and self(ie) love

So, why are so many more people, well, besotted with themselves? According to Twenge, one reason is because of the Internet. Social media and blogs encourage people to perpetually ‘promote themselves’. A study in 2020 by Computers in Human Behavior (performed on 720 students; American and Lebanese) found a correlation between grandiose narcissism 7 and excessive selfie posting habits, on Instagram and Facebook. Essentially, narcissists are more inclined to create virtual shrines to themselves, in an attempt to draw admiration and attention from their followers. Further data is needed, in a broader cultural context, to bolster these findings.

Don’t stress though — posting selfies does NOT make you a narcissist… Self-love, self-care and self-confidence is healthy. But if you have an overly-inflated self-esteem, a sense of heightened personal superiority, a tendency to exploit others for personal gain, excessive confidence and display aggression when your views are challenged… Then you may very well be on that spectrum, to say the least.