Dating : BOOK REVIEW: THE ART OF LOVING

THIS BOOK IS FOR

Anyone interested in how to love more and better. 🙃

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

The Art of Loving was written in 1956 by the psycho-analysis and social psychologist, Erich Fromm. I recently came by this book because a friend of mine had read it not long after the relationship with her abusive boyfriend had ended.

Reading her experience of it got me thinking about how love isn’t really taught to us. When we are young we are taught how to be respectful to others and the world around us; but within our school system and in the adult world, there is no real understanding, cultivation or teaching of it. Fromm argues that our society does not teach us how to love but simply mirrors our desire to be loved. And so books, films, TV shows, plays, self-help books all look at how we can make ourselves more desirable and then inevitably more likely to be loved rather than how we, ourselves might show love.

He also comes up with another powerful notion; love is an art. It’s a skill that you can learn and improve just like anything else. The book is split into the theory and the practice of love and covers a diverse range of forms of love; brotherly love, motherly love, fatherly love, self-love, romantic love, erotic love and love for God -which he explains as any love for a higher being, not necessarily the Christian God.

I was surprised by the level of relevant wisdom that this tiny book caries even decades after its publishing. There are still instances and notions which are dated but overall this book has a lot to offer the world.

One of the teachings that really stuck with me was faith. Faith in the other person’s ability to grow and love. A lack of faith in the other person means a lack of trust in yourself too, the situation and in the other person. Faith in the person also means that you can help the other person grow in a way that they want to, outside of your own desires. “I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.”

The second thing that really struck me was the love for your own craft. Whether that means numbers or games, nature or art. Using time to discipline yourself to improve and master something that you love outside of your work. Fromm explains that we have grown distrustful of discipline because we’ve been thrown into this situation where we have to work 8 hours (if not more) a day, every day in the name of servitude. It’s hard! And now we think that filling our very little spare time with doing nothing is the antithesis of that but it’s not. We become numb, depressed, anxious. Our minds detach from our bodies and then ALL WE HAVE is our servitude. But harnessing your own willpower, saying “THIS IS WHAT I WANT” and witnessing its growth is one of the most fulfilling things that you can do with your time. It becomes love too.

The third thing that I want to talk about, is responsibility. Love means to take responsibility for someone else’s well-being. We don’t believe that a woman who says that she loves her flowers and then forgets to water them actually loves them. When you love your family, friends, colleague and neighbour, to really love them means to look out for their well-being.

The final point is that you can’t love anyone without loving everyone. This one really blew my mind. To look into the eyes of your lover and saying to them that you love them is a bid to love all human beings wholly and completely. So don’t sweat the small stuff, let that shit go and love dammit!

Now, of course, I’ve seen many good people fall into relationships with uncaring people, who are abusive and cruel. Those cruel people are by no means in the position to be responsible for another person’s well-being. But as a whole, I agree with what this book messaging and narrative and feel much more equipped with hteknowledge and tools to love.

Now it’s just time to put them into practice!