Dating : Dating Games — Reasons Why You Still Aren’t In A Relationship, part two

Let’s get right into it… ghosting. This is probably the most common game that’s played in dating nowadays. What is it? Well it’s purposely ignoring someone’s attempt to communicate with you. The act of leaving an individual on ‘read’. I’ve seen a bunch of social media accounts try to justify ghosting by saying it’s a form of protecting your mental health… but honestly, that’s bullshit. Ghosting is not protecting your mental health. It’s an easy way to escape from your problems, allowing you to not have to deal with someone and ultimately it’s just running from away from responsibility. For whatever reason, this has become such a go-to in the dating world and as many guys have, I’ve experienced this multiple times where I don’t think it was justified or quite understand why it happened. I’ll discuss some recent examples (literally in the last few weeks) that have left me confused and honestly, feeling pretty exhausted at attempting to build connections with others due to this game.

Since getting back to LA last year, I took some time to settle back into my day to day routine and basically get accustomed to SoCal living again. Two months passed and around the beginning of this year, I felt comfortable enough that I figured it was time to get back on the dating scene. I was in a good groove again with work, I was back to my normal fitness routine, my diet was back in order, and hey — I have COVID antibodies so I can’t get infected again (for now). Regularly swiping on Bumble and Tinder, I started to see a new pool of women that were attractive and piqued my interest. Initiating multiple conversations, with a few being down in the DMs of Instagram, I felt pretty good back by the end of January/early February as I felt like I was having some pretty awesome dialogue with these women. There are two in particular that I really enjoyed talking to and figured that I’d take the opportunity to ask them both out on a date to see if the chemistry translated to in-person. Both of them read the text inviting them out on a date and did not reply. I was a bit confused as again, the conversation leading up to the invite had been pretty good (I thought) and we seemed to be vibing, but I figured that they must be busy or whatnot. Days proceeded to go by, and I didn’t hear anything from either of them. As someone who has spent a lot of time chasing other people and wanting them to want me back, I no longer feel the need to do this and just left both of them alone. What happened from here is even more confusing to me.

The first woman actually ended up adding me to her ‘close friends’ list and eventually sparked the conversation again by replying to a story of mine. We chatted here and there, and she mentioned that she has been pretty inundated with work and thanked me for understanding. We exchanged a few more messages, and I told her that I’d follow up later in the week to see how she was doing. Later in the week came, and I followed up in which we started the conversation back again. After a few more messages back & forth, I attempted to ask her out again and figured I’d suggest a weekend to respect her heavy work schedule during the week. Ghosted. Again. I understand that people get busy, but it would take all of two minutes to check your calendar, see if you’re available, and send a reply. On the other hand, if you aren’t interested, it would also take less than two minutes to formulate a text message and sending that. I don’t really understand the motivation behind having multiple conversations over a period of weeks with someone just to ignore any attempt to move it into in-person. I’m not sure if women are looking for pen pals nowadays, but at 31 years of age I no longer feel the need to spend my time with someone whose only half interested, or possibly just seeking attention/the chase.

The second woman is even more confusing to me, as she has reached out a few times after ghosting me and made fun of herself about “being bad at this” and admitting that she never replied about arranging a date. This shows me that not only is she aware of what she is doing, but possibly doesn’t take me serious to think that it’s fine to just brush off her behaviour with a joke. Anyway, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt so we talked a bit more (and she even sent me a provocative pic as an ‘apology’) and I figured that I’d shoot my shot again. I tried to make it easy for her to say yes/no by giving her both the time & day & exactly what we’d do for the date. Guess what happened? Casper reared his pale face and I again was ghosted.

What I don’t understand from either woman is that if they weren’t interested in pursuing anything with me, then why bother to keep the conversation going? It would be perfectly ok to tell me that they aren’t interested or care to go on a date with me for <X> reason but instead; they reach out when they want to, talk to me about what they want to, and just leave it at that. I understand that not everybody will feel comfortable admitting how they feel, especially if they think that the other person may react negatively, but I have never given either of them a reason to think that I would be problematic if they were open with me and admitted that they didn’t care to go out on a date. I don’t want to make assumptions for why either of them are acting the way they are, but it definitely seems like they either are craving attention (and possibly doing this to multiple guys), or they just enjoy the chase and have no actual intentions of pursuing it past that. Even more, it’s been making me question myself about whether I am being rude or acting offensively. While biased about judging myself, I’ve analyzed both situations multiple times and think I’ve been nothing but patient and respectful of both.

As I always try to explain what I’ve learned and give some sort of lesson to take away, let me leave you with some advice that I’m now practicing to minimize the crappy feelings that ghosting can lead to. I’ve realized that individuals who ghost have their own intentions that are not always shared publicly, and it’s not worth trying to come up with a reason as to why they are behaving this way as you may never actually find out the truth. Instead, quit chasing them and stop making yourself available if they attempt to talk to you because that means not only are they not respecting you, but you aren’t giving yourself the respect you deserve. Yes people get busy so maybe a single act of ghosting isn’t warranted enough to completely cut off communication, but repeated behaviour is usually not a mistake. I also don’t want to make it sound like ghosting is NEVER acceptable. If someone has been malicious towards you, or is adding negativity to your life, then ignoring them may be your only option to moving forward and that’s OK. Where ghosting is not OK is leaving someone on read who has done nothing but show you respect and has been as accommodating as possible. Instead, be open about where you’re at emotionally and tell them that this might not be the best time to pursue a relationship. If they choose to continue to message you after that, then fine — ghost away.

Speaking of chasing unavailable people… part three of problematic dating up next.