h2>Dating : Day 3
I shared some of my processing with her because I felt like it was appropriate. There was a part in there that helped me make sense of it all.
This morning she responded:
“Hey! Thank you for sharing what you wrote. I have always loved reading your writing and that won’t change now.”
Aaarrrg.
Reminder of the tragedy of how it all played out. Two people who still love and respect each other. But loved and respected each other enough to be unequivocally true to themselves and each other to let each other go.
It’s a beautiful thing, a rare thing.
What we had, what we now have. It’s the stuff of life.
That makes me miss us. That makes me appreciate us.
I miss what we were.
I am grateful for what we now have.
…. I hurt because of what we were and no longer have.
I’m happy to settle for what we have because I can no longer have what I had.
—
A friend reflected:
“were you planning on asking her to marry you?”
I guess… I never put it this way for myself. This… framed it in a way that makes it hurt again.
I guess it speaks to the magnitude and the distance we had gone.
We had talked about it. It was an assumed reality. We were planning to relocate, work towards starting a family. Yes. I expected we would get married eventually.
It hurts all over again because of all the intention, all the thought, all the direction, all the momentum already invested, to be invested is forcibly stopped.
And for it to never be realized, to not culminate, to not be expressed, not be given the light of day as it was intended, to be cut short, to be stifled, hurts.
The loss of the possibilities.
The loss of good, beautiful possibilities.
The loss of best-intentioned possibilities.
The death of a good idea.
It’s not tragic when bad plans are spoiled.
But it’s sure tragic when good ones never come to be.
We take satisfaction in foiling malicious plans.
We grieve the loss of good ones that never fruition.
This. Was. A good thing.
And it will no longer see the light of day.
That’s why it’s so tragic when a young person who has barely lived, die. The infinitely good potential of a child goes unrealized. It’s an injustice. But a sense of justice in the death penalty for those who commit heinous crimes.
I had hopes and intentions for us. And they will no longer happen. They can no longer happen. The depth and weight from which that hope and intention came from is so sacred and special. And it no longer matters.
That cuts deep.
She reached a place in my heart, in my mind, that… isn’t reached easily. Or to be taken lightly. She filled that vacancy.
And now it is vacant again.
And it feels. So. Empty.
Gaping.
Ah.
That’s why some are scared to open themselves again. This is why people are scared to trust another so deeply. Cause it brings the possibility of loss. And the gravity. Oh its gravity.
“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”
I’m not sure. Is the pain worth it?
Would you rather never experience deep care/love/commitment for another if it means you’ll never experience deep pain?
But I guess. That’s what it means to live, right?
Being able to trust and love another to that degree is nothing short of amazing. But I would never wish the loss of it.
But it isn’t possible to have one without the possibility of the other.
I played the odds. Didn’t expect myself to be a statistic. No one does.
Guess that’s what makes it more overwhelming.
I never saw it coming.
—
Another friend reflected:
“You really loved her, didn’t you?”
I still do.
Love is all you need to have a reason to spend time together and start something.
Love is not enough for two humans who have different wants/needs/expectations in a long term relationship.
Hollywood has done a good job of talking about the first. And is complete left us stranded on the second.
That’s why relationships can be hard. There’s so many factors. All the books and advice helped and didn’t at the same time.
It got me this far. And not far enough.
Ignorance can be bliss because maybe it’s easier to never question where you’re at. So you’ll never feel the need or want to opt out. Knowing yourself means that you might change, you might not be ok, and so, you might back out.
Love is like the gas you need to start a road trip.
But if you want to road trip thousands of miles, you better know how to refuel, you better have food and water, you better know how to decide with the other riders where to go or how long to stay, you better have a reliable and sturdy car, you better pack snowchains if there’s a chance of snow….
I love her, still do.
I have gas in the car, still do. She didn’t want to go where she thought I was headed. She told me, and she got out of the car.
She thought she was ok with the direction. And once we got closer to the destination, she realized she wasn’t.
Now I’m just trying to get over the fact that… she’s no longer in the car.
—
oh wait. she did break up with me.
well. she had a change of heart, i didn’t feel like i could chime in. it didn’t seem like she let me in on that process.
isn’t it a partnership, that requires the two of us?
how come she didn’t let me into that process?
it kinda just seemed like she took some time to think on her own, felt a change of heart and then gave me the news.
And then in the next few days… she kept taking time to think on her own. and confirmed the news. nowhere in there did she invite me into the process of making a decision about us.
there was no conversation. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
and yes. to be fair, i did not reach out to try to support. because we had agreed to take time/space. i thought it was a good idea at the time.
but even when we talked again on sunday. she packed everything up already. she packed all my clothes that i had left at her place. she made the decision without me. or… she seemed clear in her mind that there was nothing I could say to sway her.
that’s why i’ve been feeling like this was done to me.
this is. a whole new layer. that i did not see before.
now i feel angry. and confused.
is it really true?
if i were in her shoes, if i had reservations / doubts, i would 1) try to work them out on my own 2) if i could not work them out, i would bring them to the table and ask us to have a serious conversation about it
she… took time to think on her own and then jumped straight into telling me and hinting about the decision.
THE FUCCK.
this is the story I’m weaving together based on my experience of it. i don’t know the full story. I haven’t heard it from her. I now want to hear it from her. but. i don’t know if i’m allowed to ask.
… ok. lets play devil’s advocate.
lets assume she had the best intentions.
best possible version i can come up with:
- she was shocked by her own realizations
- she couldn’t fend off the feelings, even after having space
- talking to others did not do well to address those feelings
- talking to others maybe did not bring her to a more grounded place
- because no change in feeling, perhaps feeling even worse, by the time we decide to talk on sunday, she saw no possible outcome because no change in feeling, perhaps worse
- because intensity of all the feelings, none of this was intentional (in terms of excluding me from the conversation, because, wanting to protect me from the potential feeling-reality of the situation)
somewhere in between might be the truth. can i get mad based on the best case?
NO. but i don’t like it.
and i wish I caught it.
i was too shellshocked from the potential reality of it.
also, the way she came to me with it was in a deep emotional state. i was expecting for her to walk me through how she arrived to her thoughts. i was expecting her to tell me that she wrote about it. I was expecting for us to discuss it.
but i didn’t catch it. i was caught off guard. i was not mindful to see what seemed off.
ARGH. NOO. WHAT. AAH. ALKSDFJ A;LSDKFJ AOIWEUR AOWIFJ ALSDKFJA
FUCK.
guess that’s on me.
oof. could have turned out differently. didn’t catch it in time. shoulda coulda woulda.
is it too late? probably.
do i know that for sure? no.
would i want to try again? would i want to clear it up?
what would i do if i was right? what unnecessary pain would this cause if i was wrong?
ugh. this is messy.
if i was right. then maybe we would explore the conversation further about what exactly her expectations were and how far I might have been from them. maybe it confirms the same end result. maybe it doesn’t. is that worth it? i don’t know. but it sure sucks for there to be a plausible way that it could have ended differently.
and if i was wrong. then i was wrong, and i just reopened a needless can of worms.
i guess. i wish i caught it. maybe things would be different.
but i didn’t. and i have to deal with it. ugh.
well that’s disappointing.
i don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.
i feel worse in that i could have done something, and i didn’t.
i feel better in that i’m not holding it against her. anger/confusion is gone.
now… just sad that’s how it played out.
ffs.
what an onion grief can be.
—
A friend reflected:
“To be honest, it doesn’t seem all that likely to me that a rational laying out of reasons would’ve changed the outcome, given that she leans less on logical processes and more on emotion/gut”
Oof. just makes me question the whole relationship premise to begin with.
Does it ever make sense for two people who primarily operate on different decision making premises to be together? ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Did i neglect to consider this as a factor? Maybe not enough weight on it, maybe not enough consideration here.
“Yeah, maybe… But also, you’d made it work thus far with that key difference 🤷”
what does it take to succeed for the thinker vs feeler couple?
I don’t know… I’ll come back to this.
—
i thought we were going to grow old together
i thought we were going to be great parents
Just extra feelings with the loss.
Expectations unmet.
Hope deferred.
Dreams dashed.
—
Through it all. It hurts to know that a very core part of me was the reason why this did not work.
I am entrepreneurial by nature. And i tried to adjust myself for this next phase of life for the two of us. And ultimately, that was what made her feel like we weren’t compatible.
That just blows.
Makes me scoff at the ridiculousness of it all.
This part of me, that has defined a HUGE part of how I see, think, and show up in this world turned out to be the reason why she didn’t feel comfortable moving forward.
I was willing to reinvent myself for her. Change a fundamental part of me. I was willing to grow. From another lens, compromise, sacrifice for us. aaaaaaaand not enough.
Feels like a slap in the face.
It sucks, because I KNEW this would be a sticking point for a potential partner. My weird life-path is… many reasons to not be excited about the relationship. It just stings as i knew that going into the relationship, I was sensitive about it, and i was deliberate about it to mention it in the beginning.
it makes me feel more shy/cautious about this. She explicitly acknowledging it, saying she’s ok with it and then only to have a change of heart in the end.
How plausible is it for the next person to do the same thing? I don’t know.
What signs could i look for? I guess i should check in their timeline with having a family. Check in about how important stability is. Check in how much thought they have put into family planning. Whether they have a startup background
I guess if all those things were more clearly defined, it would be a calculated disclosure if i wanted to share that with them.
—
Where am i at now?
There are things i could have done differently. I went in knowing what i knew, and that’s the best i had.
Didn’t expect some of the layers that came up today, but they were real, and the felt through them, thought through them.
I’ve also drank more alcohol by myself in the last few days than I have… ever. It’s not saying much, since it was 0 before. But i’m having a beer next to a garden. Literally. A beer-garden.
Today was long. All i did was think, write, feel, eat, sleep.
—
If relationships could implode at anytime time… i guess that follows my life philosophy. Live life in such a way so that if you look back, you can be proud of how you’ve lived.
With significant others… Maybe… conduct yourself in such a way so that if it were to end tomorrow, you could say that you were vulnerable, you were up front, you gave the benefit of the doubt, you forgave, you set your boundaries, you learned, you listened…
And if those are true everyday, then i would be proud of how I conducted myself regardless of how it turned out.
—
A friend prompted:
“You should try writing today where you think you’ll be a month from now”
it’s 6:45pm. June 11th.
On July 11th, 6:45pm, it will be a Thursday.
I hope by then I will have launched my coaching, and/or have found promise (or lack thereof). But i really hope that I’ll have 2–3 clients already.
I hope that i’m not thinking about this breakup so often. I hope i will have felt great about where I arrived. I hope that I will have very concrete learnings i took away.
I hope that maybe she and I will be able to start learning how to be friends again. I hope that it won’t be awkward. I hope that by that time we can talk about our relationship without it hurting or stinging.
I hope by then i’ll have spent time catching up with friends, felt more connected than I have been over the last 1.5 years.
I hope i feel ready by then to be looking forward, hosting events, connecting with friends. I hope I’ll have really great momentum with my writing, publishing content that I’m really proud of.
I hope to have built a rhythm / cadence for myself.
—
i feel more clear.
I’m excited to wind down this process of grief.
I expect that is not over.
I feel like I’ve thought through it backwards and forwards.
I’ve arrived to the same feeling as yesterday.
I feel more raw though. Open and curious about what the world is up to. That’s a good place to end up.
