Dating : Divorce and William Blake

He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise. –Willam Blake

Simply said, “I don’t believe in forever.” Life has taught me to believe in change and investing in other people as we go through the struggle and magic of change.

My husband, George, recently told our son Eustace about his first marriage. This was something that we never spoke about to our kids. There were a few reasons why this topic never came up. One, we didn’t want to confuse them with the idea of marriage and divorce and how that might impact their lives. Second, it was in the past and something we dealt with and moved on. Therefore, we thought maybe it should hold no importance for our children. Third, we weren’t sure if we wanted this person who had chosen to leave George’s life to be remotely a part of our lives, even if in story. It seemed entirely separate to us, to have no relevance.

Close to Eustace’s 9th birthday on a car ride, George told Eustace the story of his first marriage. He told him about crushed dreams and realities that would never be. He told him how he had gone through the process of falling in love, getting married and thinking that it would last forever. He spoke to him about the feelings of loss, heartbreak, devastation and confusion. He spoke to him as a “man transformed” from a father who is self-assured, knowing the right answers to a man who has survived heartbreak, wrenching sadness and disappointment. Eustace responded with great empathy and understanding relating as only an 8 year old can to how it must feel to lose something so all consuming.

I don’t think they will ever forget this conversation. It will forever be filed away in one of those amazing moments where Eustace saw his dad in a “completely human” light. George experienced an incredible moment of strength as he revealed his vulnerabilities to his son.

I hope that Eustace carries with him the understanding that stuff happens. Life isn’t fair. Not everything can be explained. Truth and righteousness hold very little comfort. Inevitably, it is about how we deal with difficult moments and what we make of something after the fact. How we allow pain to transform us.

And now as I go through a painful divorce with my husband, there is more I want my children to learn. Not only is life not fair but it is constantly moving and changing. Living life isn’t about finding the perfect utopia and then hoping it never fades or disappears. That is the illusion. Life is about relinquishing control sometimes, enjoying and savoring moments and allowing its power to wash over and change you. Life is change. There is no perfect person or point in time. There is no forever in the sense of the perfect fairytale. This belief is not intended to burst bubbles but instead to free my children to live a life that they can truly be present to, savor, to thrive and not merely survive. When we don’t embrace change, we fight it. When we are fighting something, we aren’t living it. No, I don’t believe in fairytales or stopping time in its tracks so it remains perfectly still.

I hope my children are able to find a joy in change that took me so long to cherish. I hope they learn through change. I hope they live passionately and fully. I hope they won’t chase time to control it and instead run along side of it.

No, I don’t believe in forever, and yet, I do believe in BIG LOVE, a love not connected to outcome or one person. I think William Blake said it best, “He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise.”

So while I’m not a forever seeker. I do cherish and practice love, the big love rooted in the constant and unmoving source. May we find connection in BIG LOVE and JOY in the fluttering wings of time.