Dating : Do Fucbois Deserve Love

Is there a word more loaded and yet ambiguous then fucboi? Without going to urban dictionary, (have some self respect), I’m sure upon hearing this word for the first time, you instinctually knew who and what behaviour it was describing. A synonym to douche (similarly loaded and vague word — what are we saying when we call someone a douche?), the fucboi is a necessary stage in the pursuit of self-awareness.

Now, I present to you the musings on this word because in my podcast “Do They Deserve Love”, my co-host Alan argues that Harry in “When Harry Met Sally” is a fucboi. Now, what is a fucboi? It’s someone who likes to fuck, sometimes literally but also figuratively by fucking with people’s feelings. When used as a negative, it is an immature lover. As a positive, (because even fucbois have their season), it is a lover who sticks to his/her passing role in your life, leaving you enriched with a lesson or two, but never with less then when they came through.

Now, one of the things that makes When Harry Met Sally such a standard in rom-coms, is its turn towards realism. The evolution of Harry and Sally’s love affair doesn’t happen in one trip, or while trapped in an elevator, or anything so limiting. Harry and Sally’s love is as epic as Elizabeth and Darcy’s and follows a very Austin-like standard; mutual contempt turned to mutual respect and love.

When the film starts, the only experience around love the protagonists have is in the realm of college-life, and so even their views on pieces of literature and film are thusly limited. When Sally shares her opinion that Ingrid Bergman’s character was right to choose dependable Victor Laslo over moody Rick, despite their obvious affinity towards one another, Harry (perhaps rightly) suggests she is unfamiliar with passion. And though they debate, (and we love when they debate), he is similarly immature in his view that passion plays a high role in the marker of a good relationship. And herein lies lesson 1 to gather from this classic: you have to know people to know yourself. Ever heard the term “dating is a numbers game”? Well it is! And by that i don’t mean date a lot, (unless you want to!), I mean, knowing yourself demands a level of data mining and with that data there is math, and numbers and assigned value to qualities, and you, the person looking for love, have to figure out what traits and qualities (or commonalities) are important, and you won’t know what’s important until you’re presented with more information. Ingmar’s character didn’t know she could love another man, even when she thought her husband was dead. Imagine the dread when she discovered not only could she find deep satisfying love again, but it’d be while her husband is still breathing. That neither Harry or Sally, yet, could understand the tragic pain behind this classic is telling of their lack of experience.

When they meet again in the future Sally changes her stance. At this point, years have past, and it is obvious that she’s lived a different life where she cannot even pretend that walking away from the possible love of your life isn’t painful. Similarly, Harry is on his way to get married, something he seemed too pessimistic about to consider on their original meeting. The math of meeting people, and figuring out what is important for the longevity of a relationship changes with more data.

Which brings us to the second lesson from When Harry Met Sally; that knowing yourself and improving yourself isn’t enough because rejection will still happen. Ouch! But wait! There is a silver lining: it isn’ always personal. Sometimes, you’re equation and the other person’s don’t link up. It might be timing (Casablanca), priorities, simple lack of awareness, the list goes on. It still doesn’t erode the value of whatever your equation is, (why am i sticking to this metaphor?), and that has nothing to do with you. When Harry and Sally meet for the third time, they are once again in similar places in their lives but the parallels now run deeper, both having experienced life changing breakups. Harry’s wife has left him for another man, dashing away the life he thought he was building and simultaneously opening a chasm of self-doubt. Sally also has her life-partner leave her, but in a less dramatic way; the relationship hits a standstill until she has to bring the ultimatum; marry me, or leave me be and he… let’s her be. In this second act, the two protagonists meet fresh from the grief of their breakups. Together, they do a sort of relationship autopsy, and process the sting of rejection and the implicit comparison between themselves and the respective new partners of their exes. Why not them? Well, why did Ingrid’s heart sing with Humphrey’s character and not Vinny? It just be like that sometimes.

Lesson three comes in the final act: everyone is capable of being a fucboi but you still really gotta keep that side in check. In our Harry Met Sally episode of the podcast, my co-host is adamant that Harry is a fucboi and doesn’t deserve love/praise and … yes, it is true that Harry displayed some skrrrong fucboi qualities, but so does Sally! In the last act, she starts to have feelings for Harry but chooses not to express them. Instead, she represses them and when she needs comfort, over something that ultimately both of them have been grappling together for over a year, she makes a move on him, pointedly confusing the unspoken boundaries of their relationship. This is some immature fucboi behaviour; to try to bypass something, an uncomfortable conversation, by just jumping to what you want is unfair especially when you know there are stakes involved.

We know from lesson 1 that each, at this point, are self-aware and experienced to know what they want and have to continue scouring. They also have each tasted the bitter medicine of lesson 2, which is that what they want may not be what the other person wants, and that is not a failing on their part. And so for Sally to kinda regress, and bury the lead in terms of her expectations, hoping the other party will be the bigger person, or take the brunt of the weight of what the needed conversation behind “what just happened” is, is essentially some fucboi shit. Admittedly, it is very vulnerable to be the first to admit interest, forget deep affection. But it is still unfair to not be forthright, and hope the other party plays along. And in Sally’s case, she still has to feel the sting of rejection when Harry isn’t quick to reciprocate (or process, really) her level of interest. They passed the test of can men and women be friends, but by expecting a pivot to a romantic relationship, without warning mind you, she is essentially putting the friendship at risk, and discarding all the progress they made as people.

Luckily, we are blessed with a satisfying and iconic ending, and the two take on the gamble of love, despite what they are risking. But it was almost dashed away by emotional cowardice. It’s easy to be a fucboi, it’s harder, and much more rewarding, to be a fucMAN.