h2>Dating : Does your partner really care about you?
by: E.B. Johnson
As we move through this life, we attach ourselves to people we think will bring us comfort and support. While this doesn’t always prove true, when we’re lucky we run into the right person who believes in us and cares for us genuinely. Is your partner someone who cares for you deeply? Are they there for you in your lowest moments and celebrating with you in your triumphs? Awareness is one of the primary keys to any happy relationship.
Many of us find that intimate relationships bring a lot of value into our lives. We find them comforting and we find them supportive. We search throughout this life for someone who can see us for who we are. We search for someone to value us and appreciate us. Finding that person is a journey, but it’s one that can bring us a lot of comfort and peace in a hard life. At least, that’s the case when we find someone who truly cares for us and our needs.
When someone really cares for us, they demonstrate it through their actions.
Is your partner caring? Do they really consider your needs, and how their behavior impacts your feelings (Collins, 2006)? Finding a caring person isn’t always easy, but it can add an extra layer of trust and security to a relationship that’s transformation. This care can’t be demonstrated in words alone, however. It’s demonstrated in the way our loved ones and spouses behave around us, and it’s demonstrated in the way they treat us when no one is looking. Are you valued? Appreciated? Loved? Return the favor with gratitude and a show of action.
When we’re invested in someone who really cares about us, there’s a number of signs we can look out for. From a pattern of actively listening to unconditional acceptance, and a willing accountability — true care is demonstrated not just in our words, but the way in which we behave with our partners as well.
Actively listening
Active listening is one of the best skills we can master when it comes to a successful and lasting relationship. So many of us hear what is being said, but we don’t actually listen. We’re too busy anticipating what we’re going to say next. That’s not the case with active listening. When you listen actively, you’re engaged with the other person and focused only on what they’re saying. You ask questions that demonstrate interest and show you want to know more.
Seeking to understand
Understanding is an important part of every relationship. We need to understand ourselves, but we also need to understand our partners. Is your partner understanding of you? Do they try to see things from your perspective whenever new ideas are presented, or you encounter challenges as a couple? When someone goes out of their way to try to understand where we’re coming from, we know we’re invested in a compassionate partner.
Never dismissive
Genuinely caring for someone causes you to see them in a different way. You want the best for them, and you want to see the best in them. Above that, though, you want them to be happy and be comfortable and at peace. Keeping all that in mind, it becomes hard (if not impossible) to become dismissive of that person. Rather than pushing them away, or pretending their feelings don’t matter, the good partner is concerned for your wellbeing. They don’t want to hurt you and won’t dismiss your feelings as anything less than valuable.
Always attentive
A caring partner is one who is attentive to your needs. They don’t live in a world where only their happiness exists. They look at you with empathy, and know that you are a living, breathing person with your own needs and desires that are independent of their own. Caring partners are mature enough to know how to prioritize your needs alongside theirs. They don’t see it as a devaluing of their own needs.
Willing to respond
It’s not enough to be attentive to another person’s needs, you also have to be responsive to them as well. If a partner really cares for you, they don’t just note your needs — they actively respond to them. When things go wrong, they actively try to improve your relationship. They’re willing to step up to the plate and put in the work it takes to make sure you know you’re loved, respected, wanted, and a part of the team.
Communication is easy
No couple thrives without honest and open communication. We have to talk to one another to share our feelings, our goals, our love, and our concern. Communication is the way in which we demonstrate our expectations and align ourselves. It’s how we find resolution when we get upset and work things out rather than throwing them away. Once you’re invested in a caring partner, the communication comes easily.
Being a help-meet
What is your home life like with your partner? Do they step up to the plate to help you with chores and tasks? Do they get involved when work gets tough and they see you overwhelmed and stressed to the max? The people we build a life with should be supportive and they should be a help-meet to us. We shouldn’t have to beg them to step in when things get too tough. The partner who cares for you is one who is always supportive and concerned.
Taking responsibility
Caring for someone else isn’t always about what we offer them. Sometimes, it’s about how we comport ourselves as adults. Part of that is taking responsibility for our own actions. Does your partner take responsibility when they get things wrong? Are they willing to step up to the plate and do whatever work is needed on improving themselves (and the relationship)? That means that they care for yourselves and your partnerships as much as their own self-interest and needs.
Unconditional acceptance
No relationship can hope to survive with a high degree of happiness when there is no level of acceptance within it. We have to accept our partners for who they are, rather than trying to change them. True love does not seek to change or reshape. It opens its arms to the good and the bad and desires the company, anyway. Does your partner accept you no matter who or what you choose to be? They truly care for you in a selfless place.
When you’re lucky enough to have a caring partner, you have to be willing to show gratitude and put in work of your own. Appreciation is how we let our partners know they matter, and that their work makes a difference in our lives. Don’t just give thanks and move on. Return the love they show you with gratitude, unasked help, and by taking accountability for your role in the relationship.
1. Show a little gratitude
If you’re really seeking to return the love and care your partner brings to you, then you need to show them a little gratitude. Too often, we get swept up in the chaos of life and we forget to remind our partners of how much we appreciate their care. Maybe your relationship has gone on autopilot after a long-term run, or things have just sunken into a rut. Whatever the reason, you can break the cycle (and prove that you care for your partner just as much) by showing a little gratitude on a regular basis.
Give your partner the gratitude they deserve and express your appreciation for them every day. When they do something nice for you, thank them, but also let them know that you find their gesture a truly special one. Make room for them in your life and your heart. And demonstrate the place they hold by expressing it through word and deed.
Small gestures can be especially powerful when it comes to expressing the gratitude we have for our partners. Leave little notes around the house in unexpected places, or show a little physical affection when it’s appropriate and outside of the routine. Thank your partner for everything that they do. Cook a special meal for them. Rent their favorite movie on your favorite streaming service. There’s no right or wrong way to show your partner that they matter. You simply have to do it every single day.
2. Help (without being asked)
There is no denying the power of being a help-meet when it comes to building a solid relationship. The whole point of a relationship is to have someone you can depend on in life. Working as a team, you should be able to make your burden lighter while also fully realizing yourselves as individuals. When someone is struggling, or someone just needs a helping hand — we should be there, unasked for, and ready to do what needs to be done.
Step in when you see your partner struggling and stressed. Don’t wait for them to ask you for help. Get active and do some little tasks around the house or on their to-do list. Show them that you care and that you pay attention to what’s going on in their lives.
Love is not something that we can demonstrate with our words alone. There must be action behind it. Move this action beyond physical affection and physical intimacy alone. Giving someone help before they have to deal with complicated emotions around asking for it is such a powerful sign of deep and unconditional love. Do you really want to prove yourself to your partner and thank them for their care? Reach out and do something selfless for them.
3. Listen without want
In our society, listening has become a weaponized act. We listen (mostly) to respond and spend most of our day wrapped up in the sound of our own thoughts. On the rare occasion that we do listen genuinely, it usually comes from a self-centered place. This isn’t useful. To show our partners how grateful we are for the love that they show us, we have to listen solely because we want to understand where they’re coming from.
Don’t just listen to your partner because you want them to listen back (or because you want something else from them). Listen to them out of a genuine desire to learn more about them, or how they’re feeling.
If you only act attentive when you’re in need, then you’re not really listening to your partner. You’re manipulating them. Come to the conversation with a clean slate. Don’t dwell on your thoughts or your feelings. Instead, listen to theirs and ask questions that deepen your understanding of them. Active listening is a powerful skill, and one that can transform your relationship.
4. See things from their angle
Small acts can result in large results when it comes to proving that you care for your partner, too. One of the simplest acts is making a mindful and intentional attempt to see the world from your point-of-view. Think about the last time your spouse (or someone you love) made you feel seen and really justified. Give this gift to your partner by dropping your ego and consciously taking a deep dive into the way in which they see the world.
Step outside of yourself and try to see things from your partner’s point-of-view every once in a while. When you fight, consider the angle that they’re coming from. Consider the experiences that are informing their words and their actions. What is the meaning that they’re really trying to get across to you?
Demonstrate a desire to understand your partner on a more intimate level. If describing something that makes them unhappy, dig a little deeper. Why do they feel the way that they do? Why do they act the way that they do? Where do their core beliefs and values come from? As it becomes easier to see them where they’re coming from, you’ll be better equipped to communicate more effectively and openly with one another. And that’s really what matters when we’re trying to find the middle ground in a healthy relationship.
5. Be accountable for your mess
No relationship is smooth sailing all the way. We mess up. We screw up. We make mistakes and face all kinds of setbacks along the way. Sometimes, someone will get stressed and will snap at the other person. Maybe the stress adds up and you and forget their birthday. All of these things come together, and detract from the happiness we share. Repairing this damage is one of the best gifts you can give to a partner or spouse who really loves you. That takes accountability, though, and a willingness to work for the change.
Be accountable for the messes you make, both in your home and in your relationship. Clean up after yourself, literally and figuratively. Rather than expecting your partner to do all the heavy lifting, work on yourself and make the improvements you need to make.
Although a partnership demands that we combine our lives, it doesn’t less the responsibility we have for ourselves. We are still responsible for ensuring that our needs are met. We’re still responsible for making sure that we’re happy and comfortable. Your partner is not responsible for making you happy. They’re not responsible for healing your wounds or re-righting the past. Self-accountability is one of the best ways to show that we love our partners (and ourselves).
Landing in a good relationship leaves us feeling lucky. Having a partner who genuinely cares about us is a gift, and one we shouldn’t take lightly. When someone demonstrates a willingness to support and love us — we should return the favor. The best way to do that is through committed action, though — not words alone.
Show your partner a little gratitude and let them know that you appreciate having them in your life. When you see them struggling, or you see them stressed, reach out and help them. Don’t wait to be asked. Listen to them when they’re having a hard time and don’t listen with the expectation of receiving something in return. Simply being there for someone is a powerful bonding agent. If it all head south, get out of your corner and try to see things from their perspective. Someone who steps outside of themselves demonstrates a desire to know us in all ways. Be accountable for your own mess, too. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Carry your weight and come to the table as equals, ready to build as a team.
- Collins, N. L., Guichard, A. C., Ford, M. B., & Feeney, B. C. (2006). Responding to Need in Intimate Relationships: Normative Processes and Individual Differences. In M. Mikulincer & G. S. Goodman (Eds.), Dynamics of romantic love: Attachment, caregiving, and sex (p. 149–189). The Guilford Press.
