Dating : Don’t Stand So Close To Me

The silence is mine to listen to or fill.

To week-long fits of procrastination for unwashed dishes, or to almost real daydreams of a loving hug after work? To shamelessly slurping on Chinese takeout or to the secure comfort of having a shared meal?

A million codes of emotion abound in every feeling of loneliness and togetherness.

When I’m not alone, I’m rarely lonely. I rejoice in the company of too many people, too many conversations and words hazing as people talk-over each other. I revel in my freedom from the moral bound to those unwashed dishes and reassure myself that the faint-scent of lonesomeness is far more beautiful than the presence of another person. My ache for companionship gets overrun by the powerful emotion of pride.

In the very few moments when I dwell in the low of feelings, I question my very pride. I idealize the coupled life of strangers I pass by, stand still and stare with blatant envy. I scream at myself for the cookie crumbles on the floor, I feel like they’re mocking me. The feeling precedes loneliness as even my own self seems like an enemy.

The art of steadiness lies in acceptance, however, the fussy generation of ours makes it almost impossible. The glow of light from an electronic device fills hope and a right swipe for a man seems perfect in an imperfect world. It tugs on the string of desire and makes you crave for love in all the wrong moments. I don’t understand the blurred lines, the grey areas of technology. It makes you feel guilty of feeling good alone.

Don’t stand so close to me, because I will never cherry-pick. I won’t feel alarmed by that pile of unwashed dishes, I won’t stop slurping noises because I may be judged. I feel no shame in accepting that I still would want someone to let me fall into their arms after a day of work. I would still want a person to share my meal with.