Dating : Empty room

Here I am, age 29, lying on the crusty carpet of a mostly empty living room, except for a few books and a painting by Leo Politi. I am unemployed, and have been on and off employed for five years. Why? Me.

I am not a poor worker. I am actually quite succesful at any endevour that I undertake. So why? Why do I start work and then leave in 6–12 months?

I find myself lacking a challenge. The work is mostly very easy and I crave something more. Crave. Ah, I read about cravings this morning. “The craving of the sluggard will be the death of him, because his hands refuse to work.” Proverbs 21:25

Look at me, a man after God, being chastised by my Heavenly Father. And I need it. I am a highly fickle man, interested in something one second and on to the next thing. The things of earth bore me. We follow vain pursuits, in my opinion. Everything is vanity Solomon declares in Ecclesiates. And I agree with king Solomon. Selling software or real estate or widgets does not interest me much. Even when we try to justify our ambitions as serving humanity — I do not see it. Because all of it here on earth will turn to dust. All of it is perishable.

There is only one thing that is imperishable — and it is our souls. Where will we go after we die? That is my question to you. Where will you go when you die? And whatever vague answer that you conjure up, where did you receive that answer? From your own mind? From a book? If so, what book? Who wrote the book?

Perhaps my fickle attitude comes from my belief in God and His holy Word. I have been on a spiritual journey since age 25, seeking to understand who I am and where I fit into things. And on that journey I have explored many practices, from yoga to humanism to atheism to whatever else is out there. I would dive into most practices with my normal intensity and in a few weeks there would be nothing left to stand on. I am a man who analyzes. I like to see if the thing that I am pursuing is worthwhile to pursue. I see the writing on the wall very quickly. There is no sense pursuing fruitless endeavors, no?

But with Christ something new happened. I started reading the Holy Scriptures about Jesus Christ and viola! Every single answer that I have ever had about life was sprawled on the pages in front of me: who am I, why am I here, what is my purpose, ect. I soaked in His Word. Alone in my bedroom, reading, reading, reading. I would go into the world and see His Word in action. People would talk about issues of the world and I had the answer.

I was not, however, becoming like Chirst. I was becoming a pridefully arrogant man. I was becoming a religious zealot. And that is not God’s fault, it is man’s fault. Man, a spiritual being by origin, is living in a box. We are caged up and that is why there is a battle internally. Man is living in a foreign land. We are all foreigners here, because our home is in heaven, with our Father.

Thus we are all a bit awkward here on earth. We put on suits and wrap cloth around our neck and impress because that appears to be what you do here. Win the world. But that is not what we are here to do. Winning the world is like winning 50 meters of a 100 meter dash. People look so nice and shiny, but it does not last.

I think I struggle because I understand eternity. I understand that I serve a God where anything is possible. I can move mountains. Therefore, I do not persevere at jobs. But that is the evil one sneaking back in and stealing my joy. The evil one wants to use the Truth against me. And he does. he uses the Truth against Jesus in the wilderness, why would he not use it against me? And you?

So I make hasty decisions based on my own self-will and kill my joy. I end up unemployed and wishing that I was working! Because work is built in us. He put us in the garden to work it. Not to sit around all day…

There is a battle within. I seek to go home to my Father in heaven. A place where we laugh and sing and praise Him, our Father. Yet, I am stuck here in a place where we sweat for our bread. There is one thing that keeps me and encourages me, and that is my beautiful wife. I love her deeply and cherish that the Lord has placed her in my life. Perhaps that is why she is in my life. He knew that I would not fair well alone.

God gave Adam everything. He even let Adam name everything. Yet Adam was still sorrowful without a friend. So the Lord made woman from the rib of Adam and the man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”

She is my helper. She is the reason that I continue to pursue my career. Because I want to provide for her and our family. I want to be a dependable husband.

In all of my sorrow I continue to gives praises to the Lord. He knows my heart and knows what I need. I know that He has a good plan for me. And I trust Him, always.

Thank you God.