Dating : Exclusive But Not Yet Official

The relationship status that should raise a red flag

My niece Kimberly has been seeing a guy in college but she bristles when I call him her boyfriend. Rich isn’t her boyfriend, he’s just a guy she was hanging out with (at first). Now they have moved into the next stage of Gen Z relationship status: exclusive, but not yet official. So you still can’t call him a boyfriend. Because it’s not official. But they are exclusive, ‘kay?

There are several reasons, according to Kimmy, why it’s best to wait a while before becoming official.

— It might save you the shame of admitting that you broke up with your boyfriend.

If something happens you can just explain to your friends, “Nah, we’re not hanging out so much any more.” That is much less of a big deal, right?

No! The idea that there is any kind of shame in a relationship not working out is something you are just making up. Everyone understands. Relationships are tough. Things don’t go according to plan. It’s OK, Kimmy, you can risk having everyone knowing your boyfriend broke up with you. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. In fact, it humanizes you to have unfortunate events in your life!

I blame Instagram influencers and Youtube couples and all that image crafting shit that started with social media. People are holding off becoming “official” because they don’t want a blemish on their “record.”

NOBODY IS KEEPING SCORE!

Kimmy, there is no “record.” People don’t pay attention to social media. Or even if they do, fuck them, they’re idiots.

BE YOURSELF! BE BRAVE! CALL HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND!

— What if someone better comes along?

There is this Lebanese guy that Kimmy said asked her to lunch the other day. But then it never panned out. I get the feeling that Kimmy wants to keep her options open. If Lebanese Guy ever follows through and it seems a better deal, Kimmy wants to be able to switch teams.

PEOPLE ARE NOT OPTIONS. YOU ARE NOT BOYFRIEND “SHOPPING!”

Kimmy, I know you love to shop and I know sometimes you have trouble deciding which outfit to buy. I know this because I have been shopping with you — and it sucks! You are so indecisive.

IT WON’T BE ANY LESS DRAMA DUMPING HIM IF HE’S NOT OFFICIAL!

If you really want to dump a guy for another guy, Kimmy, it’s going to be dramatic. You can survive it, don’t worry. But it’s not any easier to say “I met someone” to an unofficial boyfriend. It is still going to hurt.

I get it. You’re thinking maybe you won’t even have to tell him you met someone if you meet someone. Because you’re unofficial so it’s none of his business.

THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

You were exclusive, remember? You are going to violate the exclusivity arrangement. Or at least renegotiate it. Those are tough negotiations. There will be tears on both sides, I guarantee it. I’ve lived it. A few times!

—You’re waiting for the sex to get better.

Sex doesn’t get better. I’m sorry, I don’t think it does, Kimmy, and I should know — I’m a sexpert, remember?

I asked Kimmy, “How’s the sex?”

“Ew, Aunty,” she said to me. “I’m not going to discuss that with you!”

“That bad, huh?”

I could see from her face the sex wasn’t good.

“Oh Auntie,” she admitted finally. “I haven’t had an orgasm.”

YOU CAN TEACH HIM HOW TO GIVE YOU AN ORGASM!

So don’t worry about that, I explained to Kimmy.

“But you just said the sex doesn’t get better,” she complained.

Yes, you can have more orgasms, but what is sex? It’s not just orgasm. In fact, it’s 99 percent something else and one percent orgasm.

The sex is good when you enjoy the time together, and it makes you both feel extra awesome. That’s the way it should be Kimmy. Sex doesn’t have to be orgasmic, but it should be a helluva lot of fun. If not, lose his number.

— You Don’t Want to Hurt His Feelings.

Oh my gosh, Kimmy, I said, when I realized that the real reason they were not “official” was that Kimmy didn’t want to be didn’t Rich’s girlfriend — she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Auntie, he’s such a nice guy,” Kimmy whined. “I can’t stick the knife in him. Not yet at least.”

IT DOESN’T GET EASIER TO STICK THE KNIFE IN.

In fact, the longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be. You are going to become almost like family to each other after a year. Imagine sticking the knife in one of your own family members?

No, Kimmy, it’s better to do it now.

I ordered Kimmy to have the “should we make it official” conversation. The “Do you want to be my boyfriend” talk. The “shit or get off the pot” moment.

Just bring it up. Don’t stay in limbo. It’s too stressful. Get real about what’s happening.

Exclusive but not official, that might be a thing, Kimmy, but it’s not real.

I get it. If that’s the case, and you want to continue having it be a private thing between you, that’s great. Do it. Especially if you have a bunch of nosy haters for friends, by all means, keep this relationship to yourselves.

For a few weeks or months, fine.

Eventually, though, Kimmy, this transition period will end. And like it or not, you will either become an official boyfriend and girlfriend, or you will block each other’s numbers and he will become “somebody that you used to know.”

Know this — either way, you will be fine. I got your back, Kimmy, and so do a lot of other people.

Good luck!