Dating : Facing Fear, Over and Over Again

Growing up, I feared heights tremendously, yet, I always found myself in a situation of being elevated from the ground. My father was in the military and I would occasionally find myself at the training grounds of Fort Benning, repelling down obstacle courses that privates would use for basic training. I remember being at the top of Kings Dominion’s 300 ft tall Eiffel Tower and being too scared to go the edge of that tower. This fear persisted into high school and even college. I ended a hike to the top of Stone Mountain because it became too steep for me and I feared that I’d fall off of the mountain. It’s very Taurus of me to want to remain so close to the earth.

I knew that I shouldn’t let fear guide me in those moments, but I ultimately did. We all do at times and it’s completely ok. I now know that all fears are illusions. To help teach my body that this is true, I put myself in situations that could elicit fear. My body is not used to this truth because for so long it operated in the opposite manner. I used to go for hour-long walks around San Francisco’s Tenderloin at night, just to remind myself that even in an open drug use & crime area, I am safe. I grew up boxing so my confidence in my ability to protect myself is pretty high, but I let go of those self-preservation techniques to watch how fear arises and dissipates from my body when in those environments.

On the topic of heights, I bike the Golden Gate Bridge as often as I can. The first time I biked it, I had trouble keeping a grip on my handlebars because I was nervously sweating that much. The wind can feel like a mindless beast at times. One moment it pulls you towards the edge of the bridge. It gives you a glimpse of what it’s like to be separated from a 220-foot drop by just a few side rails. Side rails that you feel taller than while sitting on your bike. It feels like a strong gust can easily blow you over the top. In another moment, this wind may push you towards the hectic traffic that is only a few feet away. I usually get a riveting balance of being pushed to and from. These external forces are coexisting with other bikers on the path who may be more, or less, comfortable with partaking in such an activity.

The more I confront these fears, the more comfortable I begin to feel in these environments.

The obstacle is the way. I immerse myself into my fear so that I may see the truth within it. That everything is fine and it’s ok to feel these bodily reactions to these illusory moments. It makes a lot of sense why I or anyone would feel such feelings. All feelings are valid.

While on the bridge every possible fear-driven thought has occasionally popped into my head. What if the bridge collapses and this is how you go? What if you fall off the edge from a strong wind or from colliding with another biker? What if a car wreck happens and you are involved? For every fearful thought, there is an opportunity to call those fears by their true nature, illusions, and shift one’s focus to peaceful thoughts. Thoughts like, “isn’t it such a beautiful view from up here. It’s such a magnificent structure, I am grateful that it was so thoughtfully designed for our safety. I am so grateful that I can endure such a task.”

This rings true for daily moments too. We truly do not have to act out of fear. It’s ok to feel every emotion that those fearful moments may elicit. They don’t define us, however. They will be over before we know it.

I took this to a new level one day when I did a considerable amount of psilocybin in the dark. I sat there and realized how much of an illusion my fears were. I had many fears going into that moment and when I sat down quietly by myself in the dark, that which I feared never came to be. As a kid, I was terrified of the dark so to be able to sit in that kind of an environment, by myself, on a psychedelic, was no easy task at all. The buildup was excruciating, but the actual moment was quite enlightening.

You can do this too. You can confront your fears at any moment and watch them dissolve into thin air. You are the creator and the creation. Your word is your wand. Ask and it is given, seek and you shall find. If I can, I know you can. Take time to affirm this to yourself before taking on a fear. This will help your body calm down and find its center point. From this state all things are possible.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article! I am more than happy to engage in the comments on anything above. 💚