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Dating : Finding Love in Your Late 30’s — I want to find my person and get married

h2>Dating : Finding Love in Your Late 30’s — I want to find my person and get married

…or more like, age 38 plus. Somehow when you write down “late 30’s”, I think people notice the “30’s” and then they notice the “late” as they try to calculate what age range I’m talking about. You see, in order to truly comprehend “late 30’s”, you first have to consider age 35 and realize that 35 is “mid 30’s”. Then it finally hits you…whoa, she must mean 37, 38 or 39…sheesh.

I also then imagine that upon hearing this, people feel a little bit sorry for you. Certainly, this may not be true, but I think in this world, it is true, on average. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad pity, it’s more like, “thank goodness that’s not me” or, “that won’t happen to me”, or “oh sh*t, I hope this story doesn’t rub off on me”.

Photo by Shanique Wright on Unsplash

Now that we are past the intros, if you have reached this point, you may be looking for advice. I don’t know if this will help, but here are a few points to consider:

  1. You are not alone — consider starting to normalize meeting your person in your late 30’s and your 40’s and beyond
  2. Get smart — have a conversation with yourself about having kids. If there is even a 0.01% chance you may want them, speak you your doctor as soon as possible. I did and I froze my eggs.
  3. Try not to “settle settle”, but again consider at least being open to reading the book “Marry Him…The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. I haven’t read it yet, I’ve ordered it. I am hoping to gain additional perspective and different ways of thinking about where I am relationship-wise.
  4. A caution on the word “settle” — Do not have the perfectly dysfunctional parts of you go out and date. Do not date chaos and do not repeat the chaos of your childhood. Listen to me — let that “sh*t” go.
  5. Focus — I focused intensely on my career and have achieved heights I could never have imagined. I am able to be part of spaces and have seats at tables that are often hard to access. My aim is to apply my ability to focus, to my love life. I don’t mean in that cool calculated competitive manner that is often required to grind in one’s career, but with the my healthiest adult version of me taking lead in an empathetic and compassionate manner. Do not allow people to tell you how to find your person. Yes, you might bump into him with your mask on at the supermarket…still, focus your energy on the universe and bring that which you want to you.
  6. Talk to yourself about how you handle rejection — Boy oh boy it is coming and coming fast! I think I am at a point now where I know the cycle that rejection puts me in — for the first two days to a week I am fine and strong — “I am woman, hear me roar”!…Two days after this strong period, I am calling my sister or my best friends either crying or angry or both as they scramble to pick up the pieces. I see you rejection cycle, I will not let you overtake me any longer (and no reader…I am not in that first two days to a week). To my sister and best friends — you know who you are – Thank you 💕.
  7. Internalize that relationships are not perfect and realize that the idea of a perfect partner is a fallacy. Yes, I want to get married, but I clearly recognize the act of marriage is different from the building of a long-term sustainable relationship. Basically, open your heart to love, come imperfectly perfect and accept imperfectly perfect love. We all know he will annoy you at some point 😉.
  8. Accept what you want — There is no shame or weakness in wanting to enter the next phase of your life with someone. Accept that you are a human with sexuality and that is something to be proud of. Be brave and shout your desire for a relationship from the roofs…the same way you shouted when you pursued and got into med school. I am giving you the courage to know that you will not fail in your career because of your desire to be a wife and a mother. Whatever force got you to your current spot in your career won’t rat you out, at least nothing effective enough to destroy you in the grand scheme of things. I am not talking about balance here, I am simply talking about moving forward with life, real effective life.

These eight points have come to me during my journey to find my husband. I am sure I may add more as I continue to consider and think about my life. Let me know your thoughts and if there are any other points I have missed (Tap underlined for link to YouTube — Dr Tanaka Dune or Link for instagram — @drtanakadune).


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