Dating : Ghosting: Being Mature When Someone Just Isn’t For You

Up until recently, I rarely could be honest with a relationship prospect that I had lost interest in. I either was just polite enough to keep the connection going and appear as though there might be a viable chance for us. Or, I would fade to black and just become unresponsive. The official term for the latter activity is ghosting. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve ghosted others. Ghosting is when you simply cut off all communication with someone, usually a romantic prospect, without offering any explanation. While I’ve internally debated and discussed with friends what is the most sensible thing to do when you are simply not interested in someone, I’ve finally decided that moving forward, I will no longer ghost and this is one of the most liberating adult life decision I could make. I know that seems a bit dramatic, but please let me explain.

It all starts simply enough. You have a date that you have really been looking forward to. It turns out to be a disappointing experience. Or, you and your significant other are on the rocks. You decide that this is simply not the relationship for you. Whatever the specific issue is, and/or no matter how long or short two people have been connected for, one thing is clear. Ghosting occurs when one person fails to meet another person’s expectations and her or she wants to avoid an uncomfortable interaction. Rather than be confronted with the possibility of hurting someone’s feelings or in an effort to avoid emotions at all, a huge segment of the population just goes silent. They figure the other person will get the idea and simply move on. No harm, no foul.

When it comes to established relationships, ones where both parties invovled have already had the exclusive and monogamous relationship chat. Notification and explanation are appropriate. For those relationships where you are actually referring to your partner as a boyfriend or girlfriend, it is only right and respectful to have a conversation to end things. Disappearing in this scenario, without an explanation, is downright cruel. Imagine all the confusion you would feel if it happened to you? I once dated a man for 9 months who ghosted me. He reappeared after a month with an early morning call explaining that the relationship was headed in a direction he quite simply wasn’t ready for. By the time he called, I was already over the relationship, over him, and quite frankly, had already processed the confusion and emotionally moved on. However, when he initially stopped calling and texting, I wasn’t sure what to think. I didn’t know if something awful had happened to him or what. Of course after a brief a wellness check via his social media, I realized what happened.

Even when you are just starting to see someone, before you have been physically intimate with them. You don’t lose anything by simply letting them know that the situation is not going to work out for you. While it could be argued these are situations so new and fresh, you don’t “owe” the person anything. Using this same logic, it also doesn’t “cost” you anything to put the connection to rest, either. A man I went on a date with, continued to try to connect with me despite my one word texts and abbreviated pleasantries. When he texted me a poem, I decided that it was best to put us both out of our misery. I sent a polite, but direct text that simply said, “We are not match. I wish you the best of luck.” I never heard from him again and at least he was given a clear message about where I stood. Before, this text, he was only being persistent. To continue to communicate further, on his part, would have been harassment.

It certainly does not feel good to be ghosted. Often times you don’t have any warning signs and you have no idea the real reason. Do not reach out! While it may not be clear WHY someone does not want to have anything to do with you, it is clear that they DO NOT WANT TO HAVE anything to do with you. They simply did not value you enough to communicate this. Therefore, do not disrespect yourself further by demanding an explanation or reaching out. Doing so, communicates that you are ok with being treated like garbage. Your time is better spent on healing and moving on.

Do you really need closure from someone who ghosted you? Think about if someone treating you in such a way, supports what you want in an ideal partner. Spend time indulging in self-care activities and loving yourself as you prepare to put yourself out there again. Be grateful that you have been spared from what might have easily been a painful relationship, further along the road, with someone who lacked basic mature interpersonal skills. The ultimate gift horse.