Dating : How Heartbreak Leads to a Better Relationship (with yourself)

Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet

There I was. I was 19 years old, terrified of the world and myself. I’d built her up as The Answer in my head. I truly felt that she was the one thing that made my life, and me, worthwhile. But today, I was walking down a trail that snaked through the wooded outskirts of the college town we lived in and sobbing, because I felt deeply disrespected by something she’d done recently.

The specifics of the sleight don’t really matter (in fact, it’s probably a situation that wouldn’t bother me if it happened to me today), but the way each of us reacted afterwards does, and I’ve learned something from both of them.

When she did The Thing That Upset me, I did have a highly emotional reaction within myself. I probably didn’t mask it as well as I wanted to. But I explained the principles behind why I was upset, and that I didn’t understand why her opinion on the matter at hand was so different. I wanted an explanation that would help me feel better.

She immediately explained that this was simply how it was going to be if we were going to be together. There was no attempt to compromise on that particular day, and no attempts to comfort the well of rejection that was boiling inside me. And she was right, because the events of that day repeated themselves… frequently.

I learned two things when I looked back on that reaction recently.

If you tell someone that something upsets you, and they don’t even extend an apology, much less a potential solution, then they’re not the person for you.

and,

They may not be a bad person. But they’re not your person.

Forcing yourself into a relationship where you don’t fit after they’ve already shown you that is just going to extend your hurt, and potentially theirs.

Like many an infatuated teenager before me, and surely many after me, I felt that I couldn’t go on without her. In my case, I truly and fully believed that there was no greater path or task for me in life than to be her girlfriend/fiance/wife, and that it was best if I tossed all the silly side quests in my life away.

I slowly gave up more and more things throughout the relationship, because as my obsession deepened I couldn’t stand the thought of anything cutting into the amount of time I could potentially spend with her.

I didn’t have my own life, but because she wasn’t suffering the same affliction as me, she still had hers. So there I would be, waiting by the door for her to come home from normal activities, scared to do anything of my own, because she might come back and I might miss it.

From that I learned, you will never be able to nurture any other relationship if you’re not taking care of yourself at the same time. You will only suffocate it.

I went through so many more days in that relationship wondering why I wasn’t enough for her to care in the specific way that I wanted her to do it, and there’s two simple answers. We simply didn’t fit- our communication style and worldview were incompatible- and I didn’t care about myself in the way that I needed to either.

So what’s the endpoint here? What brought back the memories of how I felt on that walking trail?

Recently I was in a brief non-relationship. We never labelled anything, but we spent a lot of time together, and things were definitely at least headed in that direction. Once again, I found myself in a situation where I was explaining why something upset me. Because I was older, I did a much better job of it this time too. There was one stark difference between this girl and the ex from yester-year, though.

She laughed at me.

Rather than admit that she simply wouldn’t compromise on the issue (which still would have been a deal breaker, honestly), she laughed at the fact that I was upset.

I explained that I wanted to begin pursuing other options and removed her from several social media profiles. She found multiple new ways to message me and continued to minimize my feelings and tell me I was wrong for about two weeks.

At 19, that would have crushed me, and I would have gone crawling back.

This time, I’m happy. I’ve been reveling in the fact that I have more time to spend on my own interests and with my own friends. I’ve found new outlets for both my writing and my art, and my confidence is slowly but surely growing with both.

Instead of being scared to be without someone, I’m horrified by the idea of being with someone who could disregard me so easily.

I’m not sure who I’ll end up with, or if I’ll end up with anyone “in the end,” but I’m confident that when and if my time comes, I’m finally in a position to cater an environment of mutual respect rather than codependency. Even if it never does, I’m doing just fine as is.