h2>Dating : How One Book Helped Me Learn 5 Languages
“Language: the words, their pronunciation, and the methods of combining them used and understood by a community.” Merriam-Webster
As a writer, the power of language is not lost on me. Language has the ability to connect people from all over the world in pursuit of common understanding. Not only do the words matter, but the combination of different words in different patterns gives endless possibilities to their meaning. Advanced knowledge of our native tongue opens the door to the use of metaphor, sarcasm, and hyperbole. We can also learn new languages, often the formal usage at first, and as we become comfortable, we adopt the slang and nuanced way of speaking that native speakers of that language use. It is truly an incredible gift to be able to effectively use language to communicate.
But what if I told you that you innately “speak” five languages you may not even be aware of? Yep, you read that right!
In his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secrets to Love That Lasts, Gary Chapman, a couples counselor, outlines five non-verbal languages we speak to those who we love, be it platonic or romantic relationships. When I was first introduced to this book in college, I was highly skeptical. TV and movies, in addition to the many relationships modeled for me in real life, had given me a clear picture of how to love. Or so I thought.
As I read the book and took the quiz to figure out what my top two love languages were, I began to see that I used these languages without even realizing it. And once I knew what they were and how to use them, it completely changed the way I approached the idea of a relationship.
- Words of affirmation — using positive words to affirm the one you love
- Gifts — giving thoughtful gifts to show you were thinking about someone
- Acts of Service — doing something that you know the other person would like
- Quality time — giving your undivided attention
- Physical Touch — holding hands, kissing, embracing or any other affirming touch
Generally speaking, everyone tends to use two of the five languages as their primary love languages. For example, my love languages are quality time and physical touch. However, I’ve also learned how to “speak” the other languages so that I can effectively love those around me.
As I’ve learned the characteristics of each of the love languages, I’ve begun to “assign” them to people that I know. It has changed the way that I interact with certain people. Let me give you some examples!
Physical Touch
This is one of my primary love languages, as well as my boyfriend’s top language. Now, it’s important to note that physical touch doesn’t mean sex. It doesn’t even have to mean anything romantic. In my platonic relationships, those who know I use physical touch will pull me into hugs quickly, or get my attention with a brush of their hand on my arm instead of saying my name. They understand my desire to be physically near those I love. Physical distance to me also means emotional distance. In a romantic sense, this means I may not always say, “I love you.” In fact, I sometimes even forget to say it. However, ask my boyfriend and he will tell you he knows I love him. Why? Because I convey love through physical touch. As we eat dinner, the hand I’m not using to eat rests on his knee. As we do the dishes, I brush my hand across his back as I move past him. As we walk through stores, our hands constantly reach for the others. If one or the other of us doesn’t want to cuddle under a blanket as we watch TV in the evening, we know something is wrong. We speak love without ever speaking a word.
Quality Time
This one is somewhat self-explanatory. If you love someone, you want to spend time with them. But there is an element of this love language that is often overlooked, especially in the technology-driven world today: undivided attention. In my relationships, I want my time with the other person to matter. If we are sitting down to catch up over a cup of coffee, the most hurtful thing they can do constantly check their phone. Quality time means I want to be invested in deep, meaningful conversations with you, and that is interrupted each time you pick up the phone. My boyfriend and I love to watch movies. Almost every evening, we watch a movie, or at the very least, an episode of a TV show. However, this isn’t quality time. Yes, it is time together doing something we love, but neither of us as the other’s undivided attention. Instead, our quality time happens before I leave at the end of the night when he walks me to my car and we end up talking for another half hour about our dreams, our hopes for the future, or the memories that brought us to where we are today. Those moments are more special to me than watching a million movies with him.
Words of Affirmation
Everyone likes to hear that they have done a good job or that their efforts are appreciated. However, for those whose love language is words of affirmation, they don’t just appreciate compliments, they crave them. They feel understood and loved when someone goes out of their way to tell them “good work on that project” or “I really like the way you thought about the solution to this problem”. Personally, this was my lowest scoring language. My love is validated in other ways, and I don’t feel more or less understood in the world if someone acknowledges my work. Nonetheless, I am conscious of others who speak this language, and I try to be as encouraging and empathetic to them as I can be. (Truthfully, this is the language I am really bad at effectively communicating!)
Acts of Service
People whose primary love language is acts of service feel appreciated when their loved one spontaneously does things they would like done. This can manifest in a plethora of different ways. If you come home and find out your husband has washed all the dishes and vacuumed the floor, you would feel loved. Let’s say that you typically mow the lawn. You have had a hard day at work and text your wife to say how run-down you are by the day’s constant barrage of disappointments. As you pull into the driveway, you see your wife mowing the lawn for you. If this fills you with an overwhelming sense of love, your primary love language is probably acts of service. To speak love to those with this language, find tasks that they find mundane or stressful, and if you can, complete the task for them. Even if the task is menial, as simple as taking out the trash even though you weren’t asked to, your partner will feel the love.
Gifts
The love language of gifts seems as though it would be the easiest language to convey, but in reality, it requires significant time and effort. If you know someone who has this as their primary language, you may be tempted to go out and buy them a ton of things to “satisfy” their desire to receive gifts. However, if you do this without a little bit of thought beforehand, the things you buy will mean nothing. Gifts are actually one of my favorite languages, and it alternates in and out of my second top spot, but mostly in the sense that it is a language, I like to speak, not one I like being spoken to in. What that means is I love giving gifts, but not necessarily receiving them. For me, there is a certain thrill in finding a gift that is tailor-made for an individual. Anyone can go to Walmart and buy a candle or picture frame to give as a gift. But me knowing that my brother would really enjoy an Airpod case that looks like a GameBoy more than a generic gift is what this love language is all about. It’s less about a gift and more about knowing what the person would enjoy. To express this language, don’t assume you have to spend hundreds of dollars on the perfect gift. Oftentimes, the perfect gift is the one that shows you put time into planning it out.
As with learning any new language, the easiest way to pick up someone else’s love language, or discover your own, is to practice. I have spent several years now figuring out how I like to be loved, which in turn has helped me love others. This is a vital step, because any relationship, platonic or romantic, is a two-way street. You have to give love to get love, and I hope the tools above have helped you learn how to begin to recognize how you give and get love effectively.
“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”
— David Wilkerson
