h2>Dating : I am Exhausted by Four Things:
- The number of times I’ve proclaimed “I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that.” (again)
- The number of times I let someone treat me like that. (again)
- The number of times my friends have proclaimed to me, “I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that.” (again)
- The number of times I have listened to them sob about allowing themselves to be treated like that. (again)
My best male buddy Steve has just gone back to the same woman about whom he proclaimed not ago,
I’m too fucking tired of the drama, man.
Here’s the article I penned about it.
Steve has harangued me a thousand times over for every single time I let the previous abusive SOB back into my life.
And he was right every single time.
I harangued him a thousand times over for every single time he reunited with a very bad GFF.
Yet there he went again. I was right every single time.
See how we are?
At least mine is doing a slow roast in triple-digit weather down in Phoenix, where he living his own kind of hell. He hates hot weather. Forgive me while I choke on my late afternoon coffee.
And it was how hot this summer? This will tell you. They had one cold wave which produced a 97-degree day. Most were between 108 and 115.
For those of you who adore this kind of weather, my hat is off to you.
If he is true to form, and we all are, he will find some way to fuck up his current love and end up back in Colorado, where the scorch marks might heal after a while.
If I am true to form, if he shows up, I will, because I am immensely human, struggle with it. Unless of course I’ve sold and moved, which continues to be the plan.
If my buddy Steve is true to form, by the holidays I will hear him say that he can no longer deal with the drama any more.
Because we are caught in our habit energies, our mechanical, compulsive ways of being. No matter how badly we want to break them, this is what we do. Steve and I are sixty plus, and the choices are different at this age. We are comfortable with what we have had, and what is predictable, and even with knowing what will come.
Even when we know we’re likely to be annoyed, or hurt, or dumped. This is how hard it is to be human, fallible, vulnerable.
Just as my ex-BF has on twelve occasions told me to “have a good life, I never loved you anyway.” Then he would stumble back to my doorstep begging for another choice. He is no more free than Steve or me.
This is why it’s exhausting. But funny.
So yeah. When I hear friends, and myself make these exhortations about NEVER AGAIN, I do have to stifle a laugh. (Especially at myself)
Nope. Until something fundamentally shifts, you’ll likely do what you’ve always done.
When we come to a fork in the road, and the one that veers sharply off left into the dense woods, uncharted territory, most of us choose the familiar path.
It might veer right, but it often isn’t. Right, as in right for us.
Will I never ever ever let that abusive SOB back into my life again?
I don’t know until I face that fork in the road.
Neither does Steve.
Neither do any of my friends.
Until you and I face the acid test, all we have is a lot of hot air, claims, brave words and proclamations. Easy to do when you’re with your tribe.
Easy to do until you are face to face. In some ways, like Jeffrey Epstein’s damaged accusers, they were still terrified of the man. People have unbelievable holds on us for any number of reasons. We’re full of “I’m gonnas” until we realize “I still can’t.”
Or with any grace, fuck this is gonna be hard, but this time…
Hit the Road, Jack.
I want to believe a great many things about myself. I want to believe I love myself enough to shut the door in the man’s face. With any luck, his nose will be close enough to give it some much-needed character.
The truth is that I never know until I get there.
I hope I do. This time, and mark my words, my bet is there will be another time, I really hope I do.
