Dating : I Dumped Two Nice Guys So I Could Date a Jerk

It’s not because nice guys finish last

I’ve heard a lot of guys complain that women never go for the nice guy and that they’re attracted to assholes who mistreat them.

Usually the guys who complain about this aren’t legit nice guys but just jerks who think they are, but that’s besides the point. (I won’t go into that here, but Chloé Daniels does a great job explaining this phenomenon.)

I’ve been on the other side of that complaint. I’ve been the girl who dumped the nice guy so I could go for the asshole instead. In fact, I’ve done worse than that. I dumped two nice guys at once for an asshole.

But it’s not because I get turned off by nice guys or because I can’t resist an alpha jerk. The real reason is more complicated than that.

I met Cody at a party through some mutual friends. He flirted with me, and because this was before smartphones were a thing, I gave him my email address.

We got to know each other online and he invited me to a party at someone’s apartment. Instead of staying with the crowd, we spent the entire night on the roof talking. Before the night ended, he gave me an awkward hug then said (to the air more than to me), “Fuck it, I’m just going to go for it” and gave me an awkward kiss.

That’s how I found myself with him.

Cody was nice and I appreciated that. But after a while, it became clear that there wasn’t much else happening between us.

He never showed a whole lot of interest in me. He never complimented me or told me he liked me. He wasn’t very affectionate at all.

In fact, I was the one who had to initiate all the physical contact between us, which wasn’t easy for me. Sometimes, I’d get drunk and make out with him, but the rest of the time, we kept an uncomfortable distance.

For the most part, we were friendly, we talked a lot, but I had a hard time feeling like I was actually dating him. I almost got the impression that Cody wanted to have a girlfriend more than he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

Soon after meeting Cody, Todd took an interest in me.

Todd was really attractive. He was a cute farm boy who lived out of town but I’d see him on weekends because he liked to hang out and party with some of my friends.

I had to remind myself that Cody was interested in me (at least in theory). With Todd, there was no question. He was very physical with me. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and we’d find any excuse we could to go find a bedroom we could fuck in.

Sex with Todd wasn’t amazing, but it was the best I’d had at that point. Still, there was one big obstacle that kept me from committing to him. He didn’t have much of an interest in getting to know me on a deeper level.

Our physical chemistry was good, but our verbal chemistry was terrible.

If we were ever alone with our clothes on, things would get awkward. Sometimes, I think we had sex in part so we didn’t have to sit in awkward silence.

Cody and Todd were both nice guys and interested in me, so I kind of tried them both out. I flip-flopped between the two — dating one for a while then going back to the other.

I dated them at the same time, and I also dumped them at the same time. And I did that because I met James.

I met James at work. We spent a lot of time talking. Talking turned to flirting. The flirting turned to him inviting me over to his place.

He didn’t have to ask me twice. He was almost everything I was looking for in a guy.

He seemed intelligent and mature. He showed interest in me, both physically and as a person. He had tattoos and the kind of quasi-hipster look I went nuts for.

There was only one thing missing: he wasn’t a nice guy.

He seemed sensitive and sweet at times, but there was always a darker edge to him.

He could be controlling. Even though we had barely started a relationship, he already tried to restrict my drug and alcohol use.

He played with my emotions a lot. He would accuse me of cheating without any evidence that I had (there was none because I stayed faithful to him). He would pout and whine to the point where I would apologize and reassure him even though I really had no reason to.

The worst was his manipulation. When I wouldn’t give him the kind of sex he wanted, he would either go cold on me or accuse me of withholding it because I didn’t love him. He’d keep it up until I’d give in, only to brush those tactics off again as soon as I showed reluctance.

Through it all, I still liked him. The qualities I fell for still shone through often enough. I was even upset when our relationship came to an end, even though it also meant the end of all that emotional abuse.

Cody was very respectful and nice to talk to, but there was just no passion between us.

Todd was nice and brought the heat, but he didn’t really show any interest in getting to know me on a personal level.

I left them for James because James gave me both of those things. There was a lot of passion between us but he also seemed genuinely interested in getting to know who I was and having a more personal connection.

I dumped two nice guys so I could date an asshole instead. But it’s not because I don’t find nice guys appealing or that I have some attraction to assholes.

I didn’t find the controlling, manipulative, and abusive side of James hot or appealing. I stayed with him despite those qualities, not because of them.

And I didn’t lose interest in Cody and Todd because they were nice guys. I lost interest in them because they just weren’t giving me the kinds of things I was looking for in a relationship.

That’s the crux of the issue. When guys complain that nice guys never get the girl, what they don’t seem to realize is that being nice is great — essential even — but it’s not enough.

Women aren’t going to lay down at their feet because they show them respect. That’s just basic decency — it shouldn’t be the only thing you’re bringing to the table.

I didn’t fuck guys because they were nice. I fucked them because there was attraction and desire.

I never agreed to be anyone’s girlfriend because they were nice, either. I did that because we had a strong mutual interest in each other.

I’m sure there are some women who are genuinely into domineering alphas and who just can’t get it up for anyone who treats them kindly. I’m not here to yuck that yum.

But I’m willing to bet that’s not the case for most women. I have a feeling behind most cases of a woman choosing a jerk over a nice guy there is a story closer to mine — one that’s complicated, messy, and involves all sorts of needs and desires competing for each other. Because people are complex like that.

And if you want more evidence that nice guys don’t finish last, there’s my last name.

A few months after things ended with James, I met a guy named Jake Austin. We connected on a personal level. We made out like we were on a third date for months. We had crazy awesome sex almost constantly. And best of all, he treated me with complete and total respect.

I had finally met a nice guy I had real chemistry with. I wasn’t about to leave him for some bad boy. Nope, I locked that shit down, took his last name, and never looked back.