Dating : I Feel Like A Prisoner In My Body. How do I silence the chatter and take back control?

I often feel like a prisoner in my own body. Forming a disconnect between what I want and what I am confident enough to seek out.

Can you relate to this? I’ll give you an example.

One area of my life where this has become problematic is in my dating relationships. People used to assume dating and talking to girls came easy for me because I was a star athlete and a good student. I was a 3x Michigan High School State Champion and in college, I was the Team Captain and a 3x D1 NCAA Wrestling National Championship qualifier at 149 lbs for Michigan State University.

This was during a time when I was on Prozac. My roommate couldn’t understand why someone like me could be “depressed,” and comments like his furthered my want to disappear from the world that knew me. I didn’t necessarily want to disappear, but I wanted to have never existed. Fortunately, I haven’t experienced this severe of a manic emotional breakdown in a number of years. Though, the days can be tough.

And now, being that I want to start dating, as my mind starts to chatter it can be frustrating.

When it comes to thinking about women I am interested in, I often lose out to a louder, more convincing voice in my head that makes me feel shitty about myself. It’s confusing, even to this day. I’m 29 and struggling with knowing how to properly engage a woman I’m interested in.

There is a block somewhere inside that I’m struggling to free.

Back in college, Jesus was my homeboy and I was afraid of having sex. I had to get blackout drunk to even consider it an option. I wanted to engage in intimate relations but I was terrified of rejection, and whenever I had the opportunity I found excuses.

I still find excuses.

During my 5th year of college, I was done with wrestling and beginning to lose interest in the conventional religious doctrine I was raised to understand. The chains were beginning to loosen. I wanted to date. I wanted to fuck. Up till then, I’d only had sex a handful of times and most occurrences happened while I was drunk.

I went through a phase where I’d go home with a girl after the bars closed and then when the night grew into morning and I started sobering up, I filled with guilt and disengaged the situation. I faked like I fell asleep and found my way home. (Not proud but this is the truth)

One of my post-bar experiences resulted in sex, but the other times started as four play and then when the voice in my head said it wasn’t a good idea to continue, my body shut down. I left the situation.

Online Dating

Most of my relationships are with girls I met online. Facebook, Instagram, a couple of drunken tinder fucks, a bumble hookup and I think that’s it. My sex life sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is.

I went 5 years celibate, partly in college and then for 2 years after. It was a weird time.

Religious confusion and helplessness from “depression” contributed, but I also didn’t want to rack up a huge number of partners because I was afraid I’d have to tell my “future wife” about it all someday. As stated, it was a weird time, but so is today. I still struggle in a lot of ways.

I no longer fear God in the way that I did in my youth. I would like to experience more intimacy in my life, but the voice in my head holds me back quite a bit. There’s a lot to be said about the way we develop as children and I believe what I am experiencing is in large part due to my environment growing up.

I want to be more proactive and date more but the voice in my head, when it speaks, weights my body like a ton of bricks. My body becomes heavy and my joints stiffen. It is the opposite of the way I used to feel when I was in the zone on the mat — light and free-flowing.

In business and sports, I feel like a confident person. But when it comes to dating and relationships I feel infantile. Help?