h2>Dating : I Stalked My Ex and Stumbled on His New Partner
Here’s how I feel…
I finally finished with my ex of 3 years back in July, we had broken up at the beginning of the lockdown due to the fact that we couldn’t be in one place, I wanted this to happen, but he was very reluctant to make the move.
I had spent my day creating an office space for him, a cute card on his side of the office with his name scribbled, and a poorly drawn heart to make things more romantic. He had packed his bags, but somehow decided to change his mind last minute, leaving me heartbroken that we would be apart for months.
Fast forward to August, I found out that he had in fact moved in with someone else for the second lockdown, contradicting every excuse he had given as to why we couldn’t move in together. His sister who I had developed a semi-good relationship with, had taken great joy in telling me all about it.
What a sweet woman!
Safe to say I was incredibly hurt and questioned the whole relationship. He had met this person, and it took him less than a month for them to move in together. I cried. Refused to eat for a period of time and thought I would never get into another relationship. You know, the usual woe is me, I’m so heartbroken shebang.
It also didn’t help that I had a tattoo we had gotten together staring right at me every time I looked at my arm, I strongly advise against following in my foolish footsteps.
After a few months, I began to feel better, I’m a strong believer in when someone’s not for you, they simply aren’t for you, time is a human construct, and someone more compatible would eventually come along.
This philosophy has gotten me through some of the biggest losses and rejections I have faced in my 23 years of existence, and I can say there have been quite a few of those. I sat myself down, went through some of the things I could have done better, reflected on the whole thing and forgave myself where necessary.
Fast forward to today, 7 months after the breakup, I somehow got the urge to check up on him. And yes, yes I know. Stalking your ex is probably not the best idea. But I had cut off all contact from him and somehow felt I was strong enough to see what he had been up to.
I made a new account, followed him on Instagram as his page was private, and surprisingly, he accepted. I guess my 1 follower 0 following account didn’t look suspicious enough.
The first thing I could see on his page was a tribute to his new girlfriend, calling her the best girl in the entire world and expressing how excited he was to be spending Christmas with her. The comments were filled with them exchanging I love yous and an excess of xxxxxxs.
Awwwww, I thought, don’t you just love young love?
How did I feel you may ask? Considering we had spent Christmas together for the past two years, considering our anniversary happened to fall 2 days after Christmas, and considering the fact that he had posted an identical post of me with an identical caption three years prior.
Well I felt numb.
Yes, numb.
No feeling of anger, jealousy, sadness or joy.
Just numb.
I had prepared myself to find something similar, seeing as he was someone who was very openly affectionate. But I didn’t necessarily predict how I would feel should I stumble upon a picture of his new partner. I do have to say though, he has done very well for himself, she is a very beautiful woman.
I am completely over him, even though I am not over the situation and the trust issues I have developed from it. I still find it hard to enter into a new relationship, and quite frankly find it really hard to trust anyone, but I am very proud of this numbness I feel.
I am proud that I simply made a cup of coffee afterwards and chose a new series on Netflix. I am proud that instead of feeling insecure and inadequate, the feelings that have plagued me in the past few months, I simply feel numb. I am proud that there was no urge to leave an embarrassingly unnecessary comment about how hurt I was when I found out he had moved on so quickly.
I am proud that I didn’t fall into my bed, listening to sad love songs and reminiscing about the past. I might be wrong, but I equate this to a form of success, as the lack of emotions after seeing something I regarded as incredibly hurtful a couple of months ago, means I’m in a much better place in my life.
Perhaps my philosophy worked after all, perhaps I realised there’s nothing one can do in these kind of situations but wish them happiness, and hope for new beginnings.
Or maybe this is my brain trying to escape from the overwhelming emotions it really wants to bring forth.
Whichever one it is, I am very happy that till now, as I binge-watch a crime series on Netflix, hands deep in popcorn and wearing a very ugly facemask, the numbness still hasn’t worn off, and I really do hope, the numbness never wears off.