Dating : ICH KANN DIR DIE WELT ZEIGEN (aka I Can Show You The World)

So I had gotten tired of being matched with disappointing Nigerian men. In fact, disappointing black men in general. I began swiping right on strictly oyibo men. It was amazing (and slightly alarming) how many men I got matched with! I was thinking….hmm, jungle fever? Were they looking for prostitutes? Was this a fad for them? Was this some long joke they were playing with their fellow expatriates? Why on earth was every white guy I swiped right for matching with me????

Oh well, who cared? I was going to try this in Nigeria and see how it went. Now, a quick background — dating white men was not a problem for me. Heck, most of the guys I dated back in university are white. Moving back to Nigeria and dating strictly black men was what I found quite interesting and a tad novel, to be honest. The problem was, dating guys I had a rapport with back in university was quiiiiiite different from dating men that moved to Nigeria, probably for the first time even! Hmmm. I was ready for it anyway.

The first guy I chatted with was…quite interesting. And a bit shocking actually. The conversation was quite short and straight to the point. And, it ended swiftly too.

Him: Nice matching with you.

Me: Same! How are you?

Him: I’m going to be in Lagos for the weekend. Is N30,000 okay?

Me: ….

Me: ….

Me: (asa;ljvnad,fnebgfrkfunas casuyfygaekf bfeaf)

Me: Lol (unmatch).

This obviously got me a bit wary. Were they all going to be like this? Was it a fluke? Was it me? I scrutnised my photos again with a fine toothed comb; I didn’t look “slutty“ so why the hell did I receive this message? Was this the norm with white guys in Nigeria? I had a quick chat with one of my best friends and she told me that he was clearly mad. In fact, she said ‘ori bobo ti fo, nonsense!‘ and I laughed because it was either laugh or scream.

Anyway, I decided to chill on replying messages for a bit, until I got a sane one. He messaged me saying:

I’m on Tinder simply because I’m cycling through Africa but your profile is very attractive to me, so I thought to send you a message. Please don’t delete.

Awwwww. Yup, I literally thought, awwwwww. I had to reply him. Plus he was kinda cute so I thought, why the hell not? I replied saying I thought it was a cute message and showing my appreciation for his compliment and that began our conversation. He was German (GERMANNNNNNNNNNNN, that took me aback a bit then I realised the whole Nazi thing was over…somewhat. Hopefully.) and that he was cycling and hitchiking his way through Africa. And then he said something I found really entitled, and irritating. He said that I should join him and I replied that visa restrictions won’t make this possible. This wonderful baby boy decided to SCHOOL me on how it was possible to traverse the world irrespctive of not having the necessary visas.

Him: I don’t think it’s that difficult, to be honest. I mean, I’ve been using my passport and doing it everywhere. All you need to do is do the same.

Me: Are you actually being serious.

Him: Why would I joke about this? Let’s do it, come on, don’t be a spoilsport.

Iya e ni spoilsport, dear.

The entitlement.

Anyway, I changed the topic as quickly and sweetly as I could and ghosted him for a few days. Then one of my close friends said we should head to some random bar/jazz thing/not exactly sure what but kinda alte thing somewhere in Ikoyi. I thought, why the hell not and went there to have a few drinks and dance the night away. Guess who messaged me? Uncle G(aka German cuz I truly cannot remember his name *covers eyes*). He said he was staying at La Taverna and asked what I was up to. Brethren, I thought La Taverna was just a restaurant…you learn new things everyday. I told him to come through because, truth be told, where I was was definitely his kind of place: trying too hard to be African, albeit in bloody Africa, but really and truly for foreigners. He swung by and I saw him walk in and my first thought was, yoooo, photos are really diabolical. He still looked alright. Ish. Alright-ish, but he was definitely more weedy like in reality. Now, you lot (people that know me) know I’m not the formerly skinny girl I used to be. I’m quite meaty now. All I could think was, I can lap this guy for a 2 hour drive and my thighs will be a-okay. He came in with some weird shimmy dance and my somewhat tipsy eyes got even bigger wondering what the hell he was up to. My friend was practically snorting trying to stifle her laughter and I was just eyeballing the shit out of her so she could calm the entire BLEEP down and not make it obvious that the guy was being awkward as heck.

We tried to have a conversation and I realised it was incredibly futile. At the back of my mind, I was wondering why oh why I moved this from messages to reality then I reminded myself that this was not 2002; pen-palism is over, O! I had to get a few more drinks to make the conversation passable and sadly, it didn’t work. Oh, did I say he was a bit grabby? He was extremely touchy. Now, touchy isn’t a bad thing but only if you are vibing with the touchor. I was Not vibing. In any form whatsoever. So imagine having to politely shrug seemingly innocently placed hands on your back, shoulder, neck… frigging thighs! My friend spotted my discomfort and fake smiles and surreptitiously messaged that we leave. I smiled with happiness deep within me then turned to him to tell him I was knackered and ready to him.

My sweet man asked if I would like to go back home with him.

GUFFAW.

I sweetly replied that I was going to my abode and would see him another time (cough). He as sweetly asked if I could drop him off and I said sure. Now, you know how I thought he cycled to meet us? Lies. This man walked all the way from La Taverna to Ikoyi!!!!!!!! I was weak. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with walking. I try to walk as much as I can but if and only if I’m not in a hot country. Nigeria is the fifth level of hell when it comes to heat (and other stuff, really). My friend was the one driving and dropping me off so I asked if she was fine to drop him off and she acquiesced. As we drove, he resumed talking about the visa issue and all I could think of was which deity I offended up there? Was it because I don’t go to church? Was this the reason of my problems with this human being? My friend, bless her soul, tried to explain to him but he was not having it. I just wound the car window down and stuck my head out of the window like an excited puppy, all to block them out. We dropped him off and I came out to hug him bye. He asked if we could have lunch and I replied in the affirmative.

The next day, I was asked if I was actually going to have lunch with him and I laughed and typed a big fat no. In fact, the conversation with a friend of mine (one who had/has been on this Tinder journey with me) went like this:

Me: This joker now messaged me last night saying thanks for dropping him off and we should do lunch.

E: LOL idiot. On his bicycle? LOOOOL.

Me: I replied this morning that sure we can do lunch over the weekend, knowing fully well he’s leaving on Friday.

E: You are a better person than me.

Me: He was now like ohhhh he’s leaving so he doesn’t think it’ll be possible.

E: I’d have been like sure then stopped replying his messages.

Me: I didn’t even reply him. I’ve muted him for the year and archived abeg.

E: Oh such a shame. Maybe on his next African trot.

Me: All these kobo kobo gremilins. Awon globe trotters. Talking about 1k visa in 1 year. Entitled clown.

E: Ignorant.

Me: Extremely.

And that was the end of it.

Onto the next one, dears. xx