Dating : If We Don’t Behave Like Douche Bags and Creepers How Will Women Ever Notice Us?

HUMOR-LESS

Life lessons for dealing with the ladies

I’m working on my dating game.

I’ve been following the work of some catty feminists and other attention-starved females, reading and studying their simple yet oh-so-childishly charming words. I’ll try not to be condescending (that means “to talk down to”) as I explain what I’ve learned.

No interest — a must!

Make sure that the woman of your dreams, your intended conquest, shows absolutely no outward signs that she’s interested in you. There should be no looks in your direction, no welcoming smile, no opening for conversation whatsoever.

Quite the contrary, try to find a woman who is busy, preoccupied, at work, or otherwise focused intently on an activity that is the very antithesis of open for conversation. If you can make her pause in a phone conversation, remove her headphones, look up from her computer or, best of all, do two or even three of these activities, score! (If you know what I mean, wink, wink.)

Then just say “hey” or wave at them, and you’ll be off to a good start.

This really works because most guys are afraid to approach busy women.

Then the real fun begins

Once you’ve got their attention open with either a “neg,” some mansplaining or a compliment-like statement.

“Negs” knock people down a peg and soften them up. Here’s a classic I like to use at the gym. “Keep on that treadmill girl, it’ll do you good. Looks like you’re off to a good start though.”

See what I mean? There’s a subtle dig in there. You both know she has to keep exercising to get into really good shape but you’ve let her know you notice and appreciate her efforts.

Mansplaining has such a nasty ring to it, but most women like hearing our point of view on pretty much every subject. They only call it “mansplaining” because it’s coming from a man and “rightsplaining” isn’t PC enough for most people these days, jeez! So, tell them what you think. Here’s a great example that I used just the other day. A pregnant but still cute girl was reading some book about pregnancy. I could tell she was single though, no ring. And, what’s a woman in that situation without a good man in her life, correct-o-mundo? So I came right up and said “They try to tell you in there that delivery and all hurts you know but it’s no big thing. I hit my thumb with a hammer and let me tell you that was some pain.”

It was “on” after that. I even told the chick I’d peel off my bandaid and show her my bruise but she couldn’t bear to look.

Another way to get ’em is with compliments. Remember you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. I like to say “Smile girlie, you look so serious right now. Besides you’ll look so much better with laugh lines instead of frown lines.” That always works.

Keep the conversation going

Now that you’re on a roll you’ve gotta have some good pick up lines. So, if the girl you’re after is at the gym it’s “you look like you could take me in a fair fight, but it wouldn’t be fair would it ’cause you’ve already made me weak in the knees.” See, let them think they’ve got you. Plus, there’s kind of a twist in there somewhere about sex, and that’s what it’s really all about.

Another favorite of mine, especially for when the girl is reading (or pretending to read) “Girl, you’re like a library book. I’d love to check you out.” That’s just the best. It makes everyone stop what they’re doing and look up.