Dating : If you’re joking about me stabbing you, the date’s not going well.

If you’re joking about me stabbing you, the date’s not going well.

My phone is buzzing on the bed, two feet away from where I’ve buried my head in my cat’s stomach fluff. I’m halfway curled under the duvet because I woke up this morning to a fly crawling on my skin, and that’s just a shit way to start the day, so to cope I went back to bed for eight hours. I have a joke that I named one of my cats (sir stomach fluff) Timothee Chalamet because I knew how often I’d be kissing him, which is true.

I feel like there should be a tickle-me-Elmo product for people to practice stimulating women, like a Make-Me-Cum Katie. A “show me where he touched you” doll, but a “show me where to touch you doll.” Call me Sesame Street, it’s learning!! But to be really real, I’m dispirited and losing faith that a guy will ever make me see fireworks. The first and last guy to get me there was a decade more experienced, and the way he touched me, oh my god. I don’t know how he did it. I’ve thought about reaching out, but he was literally a trash bag of a human with zero respect for my time, so I can’t. But fuck, he was skilled.

If he was a 10 at the ancient art of pleasure, Mr. Most Recent was like, a 2. I had to yank his hair in different directions like Ratatouille in the bedroom, which wasn’t ideal. His face is nice but intellectually we didn’t really gel, and I’d feel more remorse over it if he showed any orgasm aptitude. we’d hooked up a couple times, spent some time together, then he moved out to Jersey, two hours away, and wanted to keep seeing each other.

Heeeeeeeeewow, but the other night I had him come over. Boundaries were not going well. I told him I wanted to be friends first, but maybe wasn’t as clear as I should’ve been — I still kissed him a couple times because he’s CUTE! chris pine-cute. The time before I’d told him not to assume we’d do anything intimate, but I still had to skate by his touches. He wasn’t picking up what I was putting down.

He hovered behind me while I cooked, and I said he was making me uncomfortable. He responded with the “don’t stab me” line, definitely a glaring red flag. I’m realizing that 1. I breeze past these things, and 2. when you have to voice your discomfort, if it’s at that point, dump the invader. Calling it out and letting things continue, nbd, just tells them how to treat you, I think. I should’ve ousted him then, but I didn’t.

Then it felt like he was being deliberately obtuse about the meaning of fucking r/eyebleach, so I said don’t be annoying, because he WAS! ugh ugh ugh, that’s when I knew, again, I wanted him to leave. He responded in this hurt tone, “you think I’m annoying?” It SUCKS when things sour, but it also had been our fourth? fifth? time hanging out, and we weren’t made to last.

Bottom line, I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust to not spill on my couch. Earlier, unprompted, he’d said two things he liked about me were that I was from Maryland, like he was, and that I was jewish, like he was. like, sir, that’s a wide demographic. I kind of knew then. In retrospect, I knew so many times.

When he asked for weed and refused to pay for it, joking that I was a dealer, the connection was officially extinguished. i wasn’t feeling well, so asked if he could leave and crash with his grandma on the Upper East Side. And he got SUPER PISSY! His response was “no,” lmao BYE. He threw a fit, and I know I did the right thing if that was his reaction, but I still felt like crying. we’re in covid times. I was sorry he made the trip, but if I’m tired and my throat hurts, it’s for both of our sakes for you to peace out. I had told him not to expect anything. I couldn’t trust him alone with my weed or to respect my boundaries, let alone to not give me corona.

Honestly, I should’ve bid him adieu two and a half dates ago, when he asked if I thought I was vain or narcissistic. Like fuck you, man, i work in beauty, and i don’t think it’s wrong to like yourself. I’m not narcissistic, but vanity can be healthy within reason. No further comments, only these texts solidifying his status as a -4.