Dating : I’m Bringing Sexy Back — With This List!

There is no reason for romance to go stale. We just need to up our game, that’s all. And lucky you — I’ve made a list.

Here are the six things you did that made you unattractive, killed the spark and made him bored. Like really bored.

Study this list of things you did that you shouldn’t have done. And change. Bring that sexy back!

I know, “bitch” is a horrible term. But one of the most complicated things about RBF is that apparently some men — a small minority — actually are attracted to a face that looks like it wants to bite your head off. But most men are either scared by it or put off. So you might want to fix that.

To determine if you really have RBF, you have to catch yourself by surprise and take a selfie without changing your resting expression. We all tend to smile and put on a mask for the selfie, so it’s actually quite hard to catch the RBF in the act. Better to maybe ask your friend to surreptitiously snap a photo of RBF in action.

Fortunately, the cure for RBF is quite easy: plastic surgery. I’m not saying you need to go all “Joker” and have a smile plastered to your face. I got a simple raise to the corner of my lips so I don’t look like such a bitch any more. And guess what? I still have a boyfriend. Yay me, and thanks Doctor Fuxwell, you did a great job. You brought my sexy back! And it only cost me 15 thousand bucks!

Yeah, that’s not really a turn-on for guys. Why not? Oh yeah. Their moms were judgy. They were uptight. They were not spontaneous. They were overly cautious. They were sexually repressed. They were…moms.

Finding out if you have become your mother is quite simple. Look at what you’re wearing right now. Could it in any way, shape, or form be called a “house dress?”

Yeah, house dresses are not sexy. They evoke images of dishwashing and window cleaning and “fixing” supper instead of cooking it. Take it off right away and walk around the house in your bra and panties for the rest of the day. That’s an order.

Now look at your shoes. Could they in any way, shape or form be called “sturdy shoes?”

Yeah, kick off those kicks. Sturdy shoes are not sexy. They, in fact, cancel out the sexy. They kill it. Take off them sturdy shoes! Put some shoes on that are not at all sturdy — shoes look like they are about to break.

Better yet, don’t wear shoes at all. Get some Converse All-stars. Nothing says manic pixie dream girl like a pair of Converse All-stars. Or go the complete opposite route — four-inch spike heels. Whatever, remember that sexy starts at the floor and works its way up. Now bring that sexy back, grrrl! Feel it in your feets!

Gross, right? Who goes into the bathroom and takes a big old dump with the door open so that your significant other can hear every plop and groan. Look, I’m not uptight about poo or anything, but it’s just not sexy. Leave a little to the imagination, will ya?

And please, please, please. Flush. Every time. Do not leave your leavings proudly for your mate. He will not be proud of you. He will be depressed because you know what, you’re all he’s got.

Lock that door and flush that toilet, girl! And give the sexy a chance now!

I think a lot of women just after a break up are kind of shocked when they look back it suddenly occurs to them how critical of their SO they’ve been for the past couple years. Ouch. I spilled quite a few tears over this one.

Needing to be “right” all the time is the number one killer of the sexual spell. It completely annihilates it. Who is sexually attracted to an “I’m right and you’re wrong” machine? If you’re reminding your mate all the time about how wrong he is, is it really that surprising that he wants to go stick his dick in a prostitute? Sure, she might have seven sexually transmitted diseases, but she doesn’t try to “win” every conversation.

You know what the prize for winning is? Nothing. Worse than nothing. You killed the sexy.

Now I can hear your outrage. No, I’m not saying you have to be a “yes woman” and agree with every dumb thing that dumbass says. I’m not saying that! Geesh, you really love being outraged and right, doncha?

What I am saying is sometimes people wear each other out.

You remember when you first fell in love? You made him feel so important and so great. Now, granted, you now know for certain that he is neither important nor great. And you remind him of that with some frequency. I’m not saying you have to completely go cold turkey on that — it’s impossible. I’m calling for some moderation. Start with one day. Don’t criticize him for one day. Not once, for one day. Would the world end if you refrained from correcting him for 24 hours? No, but the sexy might come back! Come on back, sexy. Come on!

Don’t you know, guys kinda hate that? If you have a problem, please don’t whine to him about it. Only come to him with solutions, not broken stuff. And as for clinging, in case you didn’t know this, he’s a Buddhist. That’s right, he believes in non-attachment. So meditate a little more, huh, and stop bugging him about stuff. Finally, your neediness? It’s a little disgusting. You know what you need to do? You need to calm down. Get yer sexy on!

Systems tend toward disorder. It’s a known fact. Relationships also. The sexy goes poof. Just like that. Every gosh darn time.

So what can you do?

Simple! Justin! Hit it! Bring the sexy back.

Dance around and feel it girl!

The sexy can create a new set of physical laws and another universe. One in which sexy girls stay alluring for all time and guys continue to find them irresistible forever and ever. So shake it, grrrrl. Shake that sexy!

You ready?
You ready?
You ready?
Uh. Yes.

(Oh I’m exhausted. You know what, the sexy is too much work. I give up.)

Get a cat. A bunch of cats. A new set of pajamas. And take your cats for walks around your neighborhood, maybe in a little cat stroller.

Become that woman. Men, shmen. Who needs ‘em? Sexy shmexy. Who cares!

“Here kitty, kitty. Come to mama!”

Achoooo!

(Damn! I wish I wasn’t so allergic to feline dander!)