Dating : “I’m Feeling Really Turned on by You.”

I was lucky enough to have a front row seat to a first date. They had connected on Match and met at a Thai restaurant I was also at. He was a clean cut, average looking caucasian male in his late 40s and she was a cute part Asian woman in her 30s. Whatever the age breakdown — she was 16 years his junior. He called this fact “the experiment” although it quickly became apparent he tends to date women in their 20s.

Perhaps I am a bit old school — this is possible. But many of the statements he made over the course of the date struck me as both inappropriate and highly presumptive. Until last night, I had heard about people having bad dates but I didn’t really think it was something that actually happened. And really, how bad could a date get? Then I overheard the conversation (well, mostly him talking) and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I actually thought it might be a joke, except he genuinely seemed to think he was doing well. I felt so bad for the poor woman sitting at the table with him. So in an effort to save more women from horrible dates, here is a list of statements that should not be said on a first date.

“You’re really pretty — are you sure you’re a woman?”

Yes, he seriously said this. To make matters worse, he continued with “Everytime I meet a really pretty Asian girl, I have to make sure its not a guy.” She looked at him quizzically, “I have to check under the hood and make sure you don’t have the wrong kind of engine.” She made a startled, choking sound which she played off as a cough. He reached out to touch her but she pulled back and coughed some more into the napkin. It was painful to watch.

I don’t think I have to explain why this is not great first date (or really any date) conversation. But in case you aren’t sure, whether she is a woman or not is really her business. Yet, she did say she is a woman so its a safe bet she knows what gender she is. Aside from this — he’s telling her he has to see her naked in order to determine if she is in fact a woman and that he does this with “any pretty asian girl…” This is just not a winning line in any regards.

“Maybe I will learn some things from you — I just don’t know what yet.”

This was as out of place as it sounds. For one, they weren’t discussing learning lessons or growth in any manner. They were talking about her job, desk attendant at a nail salon. He was very sarcastic about her job and didn’t seem to take her seriously or think she had any intelligence. I would believe this is why he didn’t know what he can learn from her — he seemed to be convinced he was pretty awesome from the start of the date (he spent a great deal of time talking about his old position… he was let go in October). But the point here is that it doesn’t matter what the person does for a living. If they have a job and they enjoy what they do, that should be respected and celebrated. He was on a date with her having known what she does for a living so I would have expected him to be a bit more open minded and accepting — its unfortunate that he wasn’t.

Any prolonged talk about an ex

This wasn’t a statement so much as a line of conversation. He spent 22 minutes (I timed it) at the beginning of the date — before asking anything about her — to explain how his ex wife was a money hungry woman who refused to work and took all of his money and never helped him with anything. He called her a gold digger and said she was heartless and didn’t care about anything except for herself.

Now, the reason why this is a bad conversation path to travel is clear. We shouldn’t speak ill of our past partners and even if we do mention something negative, it shouldn’t be the center of a 22 minute conversation. That much time spent trashing our ex makes the other person on the date with you think a) you’re not over the breakup and/or b) you were obviously part of the problem. The first date is for getting to know each other and the conversation about your ex does not say anything positive about you to your date. They came to get to know you — not your ex.

“Welcome to the ‘churn’.”

I was previously unaware of this term. Apparently, (according to the guy), the churn is the period of time between partners when you have to go on “100 first-dates” to find the “next one”. This is how he explained it: “Every couple years the girlfriend gets annoying or demanding so you get rid of her, get back on the apps and websites and have to go on a hundred first dates to find the next one. We men call it the ‘churn’.” Welcome, indeed. But if I had heard this on a date, it would have been a goodbye for me!