Dating : I’m Having a Tough Relationship Conversation Tonight

From our first date, I knew.

I saw his face and his big, dimpled smile, and I knew.

I knew that we were going to tangle our lives together. I knew that he was my person. I could feel it in my gut. I could exhale.

It’s been a year and this still holds true.

He’s still my person. He’s still the one I want to call when something funny happens. He’s still the one I want to turn to when things are hard. He’s all of the things I hoped for.

And yet, we’re off.

We’re off-kilter somehow. The train is not on the tracks. And I think I know why.

The truth that I’ve been ignoring is that he’s not ready.

He’s not ready for the steps I’m ready for.

He’s not ready for the house.

He’s not ready for the ring.

He’s not ready for the grown-up moves that I am ready to make.

And I think he’s been trying to tell me all along. But I haven’t noticed.

I didn’t want to notice. I didn’t want to see the avoidance of hard conversations. I didn’t want to see the lack of specificity in our timeline.

I didn’t want to see because I didn’t want to do this.

It’s not over yet. But I don’t know where we’ll end up.

I don’t know how he will take any of this.

Part of me hopes that he refutes it all. I’m hoping that he tells me I’m wrong. That he is in this. That he does want a future.

But the knowing is there again.

The knowing is in my stomach. And it’s pointed out the train that’s off the tracks.

Maybe it’s just this conversation that I’ve avoided. Maybe it will be hard, but end with compromise. Maybe we’ll both get what we want.

Or maybe we’ll both lose.

Here’s what I’m willing to accept.

I don’t have to leave if he’s going to be ready. I don’t have to leave if he has plans. I don’t have to leave if he’s willing to have a conversation.

But, if I see it in his eyes, if I see the found-out look, then I have to leave.

I have to leave if I’m right.

I have to leave if he’s not going to be ready.

I have to leave if the train will never find the tracks again.

Oh God, I will have to leave, won’t I?

I’ll have to leave the love of my life.

But is that what he is?

It feels that way, but it’s felt that way before.

It feels different this time, and yet, I’m still questioning. I’m still unsettled.

The day-to-day is amazing. The day-to-day is right. Apart from our sex drives, we fit together. We complement each other.

Can I keep ignoring what I need? No.

And is it really love if we’re on different pages? I don’t know.

Here’s what I need.

I need to stay calm and clear in my conversation. I need to not let emotions take over.

I need to believe that there’s a future for us.

I need more honest conversations. I need more words of affirmation.

I need hope.

Here’s what I want.

I want him to be ready. I want the house. I want the yard. I want the planning of our futures together. The collaboration. The intertwining.

I want to keep exhaling. Together.

I want to live together. I want to share finances together. I want to walk down aisles together.

I want that big, dimpled smile.

I want the laughter and the crying and the day-to-day we’ve made.

I want him. And I may lose him.

Think of me tonight, when you’re in your day-to-day. Think of how my world might flip. Think of how my heart might break.

Think of the love that I might lose.

Thank you.